as soon as Mr。 heard the news he summoned a jury； mounted his mule；
and posted off； with noble reverence for official duty； on that awful
five days' journey； through alkali； sage brush； peril of body； and
imminent starvation； to hold an inquest on this man that had been dead
and turned to everlasting stone for more than three hundred years！
And then； my hand being 〃in；〃 so to speak； I went on； with the same
unflinching gravity； to state that the jury returned a verdict that
deceased came to his death from protracted exposure。 This only moved me
to higher flights of imagination； and I said that the jury； with that
charity so characteristic of pioneers； then dug a grave； and were about
to give the petrified man Christian burial； when they found that for ages
a limestone sediment had been trickling down the face of the stone
against which he was sitting； and this stuff had run under him and
cemented him fast to the 〃bed…rock〃； that the jury （they were all silver…
miners） canvassed the difficulty a moment； and then got out their powder
and fuse； and proceeded to drill a hole under him； in order to blast him
from his position； when Mr。； 〃with that delicacy so characteristic of
him； forbade them； observing that it would be little less than sacrilege
to do such a thing。〃
From beginning to end the 〃Petrified Man〃 squib was a string of roaring
absurdities； albeit they were told with an unfair pretense of truth that
even imposed upon me to some extent； and I was in some danger of
believing in my own fraud。 But I really had no desire to deceive
anybody； and no expectation of doing it。 I depended on the way the
petrified man was sitting to explain to the public that he was a swindle。
Yet I purposely mixed that up with other things； hoping to make it
obscureand I did。 I would describe the position of one foot； and then
say his right thumb was against the side of his nose； then talk about his
other foot； and presently come back and say the fingers of his right hand
were spread apart； then talk about the back of his head a little； and
return and say the left thumb was hooked into the right little finger；
then ramble off about something else； and by and by drift back again and
remark that the fingers of the left hand were spread like those of the
right。 But I was too ingenious。 I mixed it up rather too much； and so
all that description of the attitude； as a key to the humbuggery of the
article； was entirely lost； for nobody but me ever discovered and
comprehended the peculiar and suggestive position of the petrified man's
hands。
As a satire on the petrifaction mania； or anything else； my petrified Man
was a disheartening failure； for everybody received him in innocent good
faith； and I was stunned to see the creature I had begotten to pull down
the wonder…business with； and bring derision upon it； calmly exalted to
the grand chief place in the list of the genuine marvels our Nevada had
produced。 I was so disappointed at the curious miscarriage of my scheme；
that at first I was angry； and did not like to think about it； but by and
by； when the exchanges began to come in with the Petrified Man copied and
guilelessly glorified； I began to feel a soothing secret satisfaction；
and as my gentleman's field of travels broadened； and by the exchanges I
saw that he steadily and implacably penetrated territory after territory；
state after state； and land after land； till he swept the great globe and
culminated in sublime and unimpeached legitimacy in the august London
Lancet； my cup was full； and I said I was glad I had done it。 I think
that for about eleven months； as nearly as I can remember； Mr。's
daily mail…bag continued to be swollen by the addition of half a bushel
of newspapers hailing from many climes with the Petrified Man in them；
marked around with a prominent belt of ink。 I sent them to him。 I did
it for spite； not for fun。
He used to shovel them into his back yard and curse。 And every day
during all those months the miners； his constituents （for miners never
quit joking a person when they get started）； would call on him and ask if
he could tell them where they could get hold of a paper with the
Petrified Man in it。 He could have accommodated a continent with them。
I hated … in those days； and these things pacified me and pleased me。
I could not have gotten more real comfort out of him without killing him。
MY BLOODY MASSACRE
The other burlesque I have referred to was my fine satire upon the
financial expedients of 〃cooking dividends；〃 a thing which became
shamefully frequent on the Pacific coast for a while。 Once more； in my
self…complacent simplicity I felt that the time had arrived for me to
rise up and be a reformer。 I put this reformatory satire； in the shape
of a fearful 〃Massacre at Empire City。〃 The San Francisco papers were
making a great outcry about the iniquity of the Daney Silver…Mining
Company； whose directors had declared a 〃cooked〃 or false dividend； for
the purpose of increasing the value of their stock； so that they could
sell out at a comfortable figure； and then scramble from under the
tumbling concern。 And while abusing the Daney； those papers did not
forget to urge the public to get rid of all their silver stocks and
invest in； sound and safe San Francisco stocks； such as the Spring Valley
Water Company； etc。 But right at this unfortunate juncture； behold the
Spring Valley cooked a dividend too！ And so； under the insidious mask of
an invented 〃bloody massacre；〃 I stole upon the public unawares with my
scathing satire upon the dividend cooking system。 In about half a column
of imaginary human carnage I told how a citizen hard murdered his wife
and nine children； and then committed suicide。 And I said slyly； at the
bottom； that the sudden madness of which this melancholy massacre was the
result had been brought about by his having allowed himself to be
persuaded by the California papers to sell his sound and lucrative Nevada
silver stocks； and buy into Spring Valley just in time to get cooked
along with that company's fancy dividend； and sink every cent he had in
the world。
Ah； it was a deep； deep satire； and most ingeniously contrived。 But I
made the horrible details so carefully and conscientiously interesting
that the public devoured them greedily； and wholly overlooked the
following distinctly stated facts； to wit： The murderer was perfectly
well known to every creature in the land as a bachelor； and consequently
he could not murder his wife and nine children； he murdered them 〃in his
splendid dressed…stone mansion just in the edge of the great pine forest
between Empire City and Dutch Nick's；〃 when even the very pickled oysters
that came on our tables knew that there was not a 〃dressed…stone mansion〃
in all Nevada Territory； also that； so far from there being a 〃great pine
forest between Empire City and Dutch Nick's；〃 there wasn't a solitary
tree within fifteen miles of either place； and； finally； it was patent
and notorious that Empire City and Dutch Nick's were one and the same
place； and contained only six houses anyhow； and consequently there could
be no forest between them； and on top of all these absurdities I stated
that this diabolical murderer； after inflicting a wound upon himself that
the reader ought to have seen would kill an elephant in the twinkling of
an eye； jumped on his horse and rode four miles； waving his wife's
reeking scalp in the air； and thus performing entered Carson City with
tremendous eclat； and dropped dead in front of the chief saloon； the envy
and admiration of all beholders。
Well； in all my life I never saw anything like the sensation that little
satire created。 It was the talk of the town； it was the talk of the
territory。 Most of the citizens dropped gently into it at breakfast； and
they never finished their meal。 There was something about those minutely
faithful details that was a sufficing substitute for food。 Few people
that were able to read took food that morning。 Dan and I （Dan was my
reportorial associate） took our seats on either side of our customary
table in the 〃Eagle Restaurant；〃 and； as I unfolded the shred they used
to call a napkin in that establishment； I saw at the next table two
stalwart innocents with that sort of vegetable dandruff sprinkled about
their clothing which was the sign and evidence that they were in from the
Truckee with a load of hay。 The one facing me had the morning paper
folded to a long； narrow strip； and I knew； without any telling； that
that strip represented the column that contained my pleasant financial
satire。 From the way he was excitedly mumbling； I saw that the heedless
son of a hay…mow was skipping with all his might； in order to get to the
bloody details as quickly as possible； and so he was missing the guide…
boards I had set up to warn him that the whole thing was a fraud。
Presently his eyes spread wide open； just as his jaws swung asunder to
take in a potato approaching it on a fork； the potato halted； the face
lit up redly； and the whole man was on fire with excitement。 Then he
broke into a disjointed checking off of the particularshis potato
cooling in mid…air meantime； and his mouth making a reach for it
occasionally； but always bringing up suddenly against a new and still
more direful performance of my hero。 At last he looked his stunned and
rigid comrade impressively in the face； and said； with an expression of
concentrated awe：
〃Jim； he b'iled his baby； and he took the old 'oman's skelp。 Cuss'd if I
want any breakfast！〃
And he laid his lingering potato reverently down； and he and his friend
departed from the restaurant empty but satisfied。
He never got down to where the satire part of it began。 Nobody ever did。
They found the thrilling particulars sufficient。 To drop in with a poor
little moral at the fag…end of such a gorgeous massacre was like
following the expiring sun with a candle and hope to attract the world's
attention to it。
The idea that anybody could ever take my massacre for a genuine
occurrence never once suggested itself to me； hedged about as it was by
all those telltale absurdities and impossibilities concerning the 〃