all those telltale absurdities and impossibilities concerning the 〃great
pine forest；〃 the 〃dressed…stone mansion；〃 etc。 But I found out then；
and never have forgotten since； that we never read the dull explanatory
surroundings of marvelously exciting things when we have no occasion to
suppose that some irresponsible scribbler is trying to defraud us； we
skip all that； and hasten to revel in the blood…curdling particulars and
be happy。
THE UNDERTAKER'S CHAT
〃Now that corpse；〃 said the undertaker； patting the folded hands of
deceased approvingly； was a brick…every way you took him he was a brick。
He was so real accommodating； and so modest…like and simple in his last
moments。 Friends wanted metallic burial…casenothing else would do。
I couldn't get it。 There warn't going to be timeanybody could see
that。
〃Corpse said never mind； shake him up some kind of a box he could stretch
out in comfortable； he warn't particular 'bout the general style of it。
Said he went more on room than style； anyway in a last final container。
〃Friends wanted a silver door…plate on the coffin； signifying who he was
and wher' he was from。 Now you know a fellow couldn't roust out such a
gaily thing as that in a little country…town like this。 What did corpse
say？
〃Corpse said； whitewash his old canoe and dob his address and general
destination onto it with a blacking…brush and a stencil…plate； 'long with
a verse from some likely hymn or other； and pint him for the tomb； and
mark him C。 O。 D。； and just let him flicker。 He warn't distressed any
more than you beon the contrary； just as ca；'m and collected as a
hearse…horse； said he judged that wher' he was going to a body would find
it considerable better to attract attention by a picturesque moral
character than a natty burial…case with a swell door…plate on it。
〃Splendid man； he was。 I'd druther do for a corpse like that 'n any I've
tackled in seven year。 There's some satisfaction in buryin' a man like
that。 You feel that what you're doing is appreciated。 Lord bless you；
so's he got planted before he sp'iled； he was perfectly satisfied； said
his relations meant well； perfectly well； but all them preparations was
bound to delay the thing more or less； and he didn't wish to be kept
layin' around。 You never see such a clear head as what he hadand so
ca；'m and so cool。 Jist a hunk of brainsthat is what he was。
Perfectly awful。 It was a ripping distance from one end of that man's
head to t'other。 Often and over again he's had brain…fever a…raging in
one place； and the rest of the pile didn't know anything about itdidn't
affect it any more than an Injun Insurrection in Arizona affects the
Atlantic States。 〃Well； the relations they wanted a big funeral； but
corpse said he was down on flummerydidn；'t want any processionfill
the hearse full of mourners； and get out a stern line and tow him behind。
He was the most down on style of any remains I ever struck。 A beautiful；
simpleminded creature it was what he was； you can depend on that。 He was
just set on having things the way he wanted them； and he took a solid
comfort in laying his little plans。 He had me measure him and take a
whole raft of directions； then he had the minister stand up behind along
box with a tablecloth over it； to represent the coffin； and read his
funeral sermon； saying 'Angcore； angcore！' at the good places； and making
him scratch out every bit of brag about him； and all the hifalutin； and
then he made them trot out the choir； so's he could help them pick out
the tunes for the occasion； and he got them to sing 'Pop Goes the
Weasel；' because he'd always liked that tune when he was downhearted； and
solemn music made him sad； and when they sung that with tears in their
eyes （because they all loved him）； and his relations grieving around； he
just laid there as happy as a bug； and trying to beat time and showing
all over how much he enjoyed it； and presently he got worked up and
excited； and tried to join in； for； mind you； he was pretty proud of his
abilities in the singing line； but the first time he opened his mouth and
was just going to spread himself his breath took a walk。
〃I never see a man snuffed out so sudden。 Ah； it was a great lossa；
powerful loss to this poor little one…horse town。 Well； well； well； I
hain't got time to be palavering along heregot to nail on the lid and
mosey along with him； and if you'll just give me a lift we'll skeet him
into the hearse and meander along。 Relations bound to have it sodon't
pay no attention to dying injunctions； minute a corpse's gone； but； if I
had my way； if I didn't respect his last wishes and tow him behind the
hearse I'll be cuss'd。 I consider that whatever a corpse wants done for
his comfort is little enough matter； and a man hain't got no right to
deceive him or take advantage of him； and whatever a corpse trusts me to
do I'm a…going to do； you know； even if it's to stuff him and paint him
yaller and keep him for a keepsakeyou hear me！〃
He cracked his whip and went lumbering away with his ancient ruin of a
hearse； and I continued my walk with a valuable lesson learnedthat a
healthy and wholesome cheerfulness is not necessarily impossible to any
occupation。 The lesson is likely to be lasting； for it will take many
months to obliterate the memory of the remarks and circumstances that
impressed it。
CONCERNING CHAMBERMAIDS
Against all chambermaids； of whatsoever age or nationality； I launch the
curse of bachelordom！ Because：
They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the bed from the gas…
burner； so that while you read and smoke before sleeping （as is the
ancient and honored custom of bachelors）； you have to hold your book
aloft； in an uncomfortable position； to keep the light from dazzling your
eyes。
When they find the pillows removed to the other end of the bed in the
morning； they receive not the suggestion in a friendly spirit； but；
glorying in their absolute sovereignty； and unpitying your helplessness；
they make the bed just as it was originally； and gloat in secret over the
pang their tyranny will cause you。
Always after that； when they find you have transposed the pillows； they
undo your work； and thus defy and seek to embitter the life that God has
given you。
If they cannot get the light in an inconvenient position any other way；
they move the bed。
If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall； so that the lid will
stay up when you open it； they always shove that trunk back again。 They
do it on purpose。
If you want the spittoon in a certain spot； where it will be handy； they
don't； and so they move it。
They always put your other boots into inaccessible places。 They chiefly
enjoy depositing them as far under the bed as the wall will permit。 It
is because this compels you to get down in an undignified attitude and
make wild sweeps for them in the dark with the bootjack； and swear。
They always put the matchbox in some other place。 They hunt up a new
place for it every day； and put up a bottle； or other perishable glass
thing； where the box stood before。 This is to cause you to break that
glass thing； groping in the dark； and get yourself into trouble。
They are for ever and ever moving the furniture。 When you come in in the
night you can calculate on finding the bureau where the wardrobe was in
the morning。 And when you go out in the morning； if you leave the slop…
bucket by the door and rocking…chair by the window； when you come in at
midnight or thereabout； you will fall over that rocking…chair； and you
will proceed toward the window and sit down in that slop…tub。 This will
disgust you。 They like that。
No matter where you put anything； they are not going to let it stay
there。 They will take it and move it the first chance they get。 It is
their nature。 And； besides； it gives them pleasure to be mean and
contrary this way。 They would die if they couldn't be villains。
They always save up all the old scraps of printed rubbish you throw on
the floor； and stack them up carefully on the table； and start the fire
with your valuable manuscripts。 If there is any one particular old scrap
that you are more down on than any other； and which you are gradually
wearing your life out trying to get rid of； you may take all the pains
you possibly can in that direction； but it won't be of any use； because
they will always fetch that old scrap back and put it in the same old
place again every time。 It does them good。
And they use up more hair…oil than any six men。 If charged with
purloining the same； they lie about it。 What do they care about a
hereafter？ Absolutely nothing。
If you leave the key in the door for convenience' sake； they will carry
it down to the office and give it to the clerk。 They do this under the
vile pretense of trying to protect your property from thieves； but
actually they do it because they want to make you tramp back down…stairs
after it when you come home tired； or put you to the trouble of sending a
waiter for it； which waiter will expect you to pay him something。 In
which case I suppose the degraded creatures divide。
They keep always trying to make your bed before you get up； thus
destroying your rest and inflicting agony upon you； but after you get up；
they don't come any more till next day。
They do all the mean things they can think of； and they do them just out
of pure cussedness； and nothing else。
Chambermaids are dead to every human instinct。
If I can get a bill through the legislature abolishing chambermaids； I
mean to do it。
AURELIA'S UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN ＇Written about 1865。＇
The facts in the following case came to me by letter from a young lady
who lives in the beautiful city of San Jose； she is perfectly unknown to
me； and simply signs herself 〃Aurelia Maria；〃 which may possibly be a
fictitious name。 But no matter； the poor girl is almost heartbroken by
the misfortunes she has undergone； and so confused by the conflicting
counsels of misguided friends and insidious enemies that she does not
know what course to pursue in order to extricate herself from the web of
difficulties in which she seems