motionless； with finger on lip； and head and body bent in listening
attitude。 No sound was heard。
Still he listened。 No sound。 Then he turned the key in the door； and
came elaborately tiptoeing toward me till he was within long reaching
distance of me； when he stopped and； after scanning my face with intense
interest for a while； drew a folded copy of our paper from his bosom； and
said：
〃There； you wrote that。 Read it to mequick！ Relieve me。 I suffer。〃
I read as follows； and as the sentences fell from my lips I could see the
relief come； I could see the drawn muscles relax； and the anxiety go out
of the face； and rest and peace steal over the features like the merciful
moonlight over a desolate landscape：
The guano is a fine bird； but great care is necessary in rearing it。
It should not be imported earlier than June or later than September。
In the winter it should be kept in a warm place； where it can hatch
out its young。
It is evident that we are to have a backward season for grain。
Therefore it will be well for the farmer to begin setting out his
corn…stalks and planting his buckwheat cakes in July instead of
August。
Concerning the pumpkin。 This berry is a favorite with the natives
of the interior of New England； who prefer it to the gooseberry for
the making of fruit…cake； and who likewise give it the preference
over the raspberry for feeding cows； as being more filling and fully
as satisfying。 The pumpkin is the only esculent of the orange
family that will thrive in the North； except the gourd and one or
two varieties of the squash。 But the custom of planting it in the
front yard with the shrubbery is fast going out of vogue； for it is
now generally conceded that； the pumpkin as a shade tree is a
failure。
Now； as the warm weather approaches； and the ganders begin to
spawn
The excited listener sprang toward me to shake hands； and said：
〃There； therethat will do。 I know I am all right now； because you have
read it just as I did； word； for word。 But； stranger； when I first read
it this morning； I said to myself； I never； never believed it before；
notwithstanding my friends kept me under watch so strict； but now I
believe I am crazy； and with that I fetched a howl that you might have
heard two miles； and started out to kill somebodybecause； you know；
I knew it would come to that sooner or later； and so I might as well
begin。 I read one of them paragraphs over again； so as to be certain；
and then I burned my house down and started。 I have crippled several
people； and have got one fellow up a tree； where I can get him if I want
him。 But I thought I would call in here as I passed along and make the
thing perfectly certain； and now it is certain； and I tell you it is
lucky for the chap that is in the tree。 I should have killed him sure；
as I went back。 Good…by； sir； good…by； you have taken a great load off
my mind。 My reason has stood the strain of one of your agricultural
articles； and I know that nothing can ever unseat it now。 Good…by； sir。〃
I felt a little uncomfortable about the cripplings and arsons this person
had been entertaining himself with； for I could not help feeling remotely
accessory to them。 But these thoughts were quickly banished； for the
regular editor walked in！ ＇I thought to myself； Now if you had gone to
Egypt as I recommended you to； I might have had a chance to get my hand
in； but you wouldn't do it； and here you are。 I sort of expected you。＇
The editor was looking sad and perplexed and dejected。
He surveyed the wreck which that old rioter and those two young farmers
had made； and then said 〃This is a sad businessa very sad business。
There is the mucilage…bottle broken； and six panes of glass； and a
spittoon； and two candlesticks。 But that is not the worst。 The
reputation of the paper is injuredand permanently； I fear。 True； there
never was such a call for the paper before； and it never sold such a
large edition or soared to such celebrity； but does one want to be famous
for lunacy； and prosper upon the infirmities of his mind？ My friend； as
I am an honest man； the street out here is full of people； and others are
roosting on the fences； waiting to get a glimpse of you； because they
think you are crazy。 And well they might after reading your editorials。
They are a disgrace to journalism。 Why； what put it into your head that
you could edit a paper of this nature？ You do not seem to know the first
rudiments of agriculture。 You speak of a furrow and a harrow as being
the same thing； you talk of the moulting season for cows； and you
recommend the domestication of the pole…cat on account of its playfulness
and its excellence as a ratter！ Your remark that clams will lie quiet if
music be played to them was superfluousentirely superfluous。 Nothing
disturbs clams。 Clams always lie quiet。 Clams care nothing whatever
about music。 Ah； heavens and earth； friend！ if you had made the
acquiring of ignorance the study of your life； you could not have
graduated with higher honor than you could to…day。 I never saw anything
like it。 Your observation that the horse…chestnut as an article of
commerce is steadily gaining in favor is simply calculated to destroy
this journal。 I want you to throw up your situation and go。 I want no
more holidayI could not enjoy it if I had it。 Certainly not with you
in my chair。 I would always stand in dread of what you might be going to
recommend next。 It makes me lose all patience every time I think of your
discussing oyster…beds under the head of 'Landscape Gardening。' I want
you to go。 Nothing on earth could persuade me to take another holiday。
Oh！ why didn't you tell me you didn't know anything about agriculture？〃
〃Tell you； you corn…stalk； you cabbage； you son of a cauliflower？ It's
the first time I ever heard such an unfeeling remark。 I tell you I have
been in the editorial business going on fourteen years； and it is the
first time I ever heard of a man's having to know anything in order to
edit a newspaper。 You turnip！ Who write the dramatic critiques for the
second…rate papers？ Why； a parcel of promoted shoemakers and apprentice
apothecaries； who know just as much about good acting as I do about good
farming and no more。 Who review the books？ People who never wrote one。
Who do up the heavy leaders on finance？ Parties who have had the largest
opportunities for knowing nothing about it。 Who criticize the Indian
campaigns？ Gentlemen who do not know a war…whoop from a wigwam； and who
never have had to run a foot…race with a tomahawk； or pluck arrows out of
the several members of their families to build the evening camp…fire
with。 Who write the temperance appeals； and clamor about the flowing
bowl？ Folks who will never draw another sober breath till they do it in
the grave。 Who edit the agricultural papers； youyam？ Men； as a
general thing； who fail in the poetry line； yellow…colored novel line；
sensation； drama line； city…editor line； and finally fall back on
agriculture as a temporary reprieve from the poorhouse。 You try to tell
me anything about the newspaper business！ Sir； I have been through it
from Alpha to Omaha； and I tell you that the less a man knows the bigger
the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands。 Heaven knows
if I had but been ignorant instead of cultivated； and impudent instead of
diffident； I could have made a name for myself in this cold； selfish
world。 I take my leave； sir。 Since I have been treated as you have
treated me； I am perfectly willing to go。 But I have done my duty。 I
have fulfilled my contract as far as I was permitted to do it。 I said I
could make your paper of interest to all classesand I have。 I said I
could run your circulation up to twenty thousand copies； and if I had had
two more weeks I'd have done it。 And I'd have given you the best class
of readers that ever an agricultural paper hadnot a farmer in it； nor a
solitary individual who could tell a watermelon…tree from a peach…vine to
save his life。 You are the loser by this rupture； not me； Pie…plant。
Adios。〃
I then left。
THE PETRIFIED MAN
Now； to show how really hard it is to foist a moral or a truth upon an
unsuspecting public through a burlesque without entirely and absurdly
missing one's mark； I will here set down two experiences of my own in
this thing。 In the fall of 1862； in Nevada and California； the people
got to running wild about extraordinary petrifactions and other natural
marvels。 One could scarcely pick up a paper without finding in it one or
two glorified discoveries of this kind。 The mania was becoming a little
ridiculous。 I was a brand…new local editor in Virginia City； and I felt
called upon to destroy this growing evil； we all have our benignant；
fatherly moods at one time or another； I suppose。 I chose to kill the
petrifaction mania with a delicate； a very delicate satire。 But maybe it
was altogether too delicate； for nobody ever perceived the satire part of
it at all。 I put my scheme in the shape of the discovery of a remarkably
petrified man。
I had had a temporary falling out with Mr。； the new coroner and
justice of the peace of Humboldt； and thought I might as well touch him
up a little at the same time and make him ridiculous； and thus combine
pleasure with business。 So I told； in patient； belief…compelling detail；
all about the finding of a petrified…man at Gravelly Ford （exactly a
hundred and twenty miles； over a breakneck mountain trail from where
lived）； how all the savants of the immediate neighborhood had been to
examine it （it was notorious that there was not a living creature within
fifty miles of there； except a few starving Indians； some crippled
grasshoppers； and four or five buzzards out of meat and too feeble to get
away）； how those savants all pronounced the petrified man to have been in
a state of complete petrifaction for over ten generations； and then； with
a seriousness that I ought to have been ashamed to assume； I stated that
as soon as Mr。 heard the news he summoned a jury； mounted his mule；
a