as ever； his face just as fresh； his appetite just as keen。
Or apparently so。 He had； in fact； lost some of his buoyant
confidence； and doubt hindered his outgoing。
For some time after this； he ore conscious when
he drank； more backward from panionship。 The disillusion of
his first carnal contact with woman； strengthened by his innate
desire to find in a woman the embodiment of all his
inarticulate； powerful religious impulses； put a bit in his
mouth。 He had something to lose which he was afraid of losing；
which he was not sure even of possessing。 This first affair did
not matter much： but the business of love was； at the bottom of
his soul； the most serious and terrifying of all to him。
He was tormented now with sex desire； his imagination
reverted always to lustful scenes。 But what really prevented his
returning to a loose woman； over and above the natural
squeamishness； was the recollection of the paucity of the last
experience。 It had been so nothing； so dribbling and functional；
that he was ashamed to expose himself to the risk of a
repetition of it。
He made a strong； instinctive fight to retain his native
cheerfulness unimpaired。 He had naturally a plentiful stream of
life and humour； a sense of sufficiency and exuberance； giving
ease。 But now it tended to cause tension。 A strained light came
into his eyes； he had a slight knitting of the brows。 His
boisterous humour gave place to lowering silences； and days
passed by in a sort of suspense。
He did not know there was any difference in him； exactly； for
the most part he was filled with slow anger and resentment。 But
he knew he was always thinking of women； or a woman； day in； day
out； and that infuriated him。 He could not get free： and he was
ashamed。 He had one or two sweethearts； starting with them in
the hope of speedy development。 But when he had a nice girl； he
found that he was incapable of pushing the desired development。
The very presence of the girl beside him made it impossible。 He
could not think of her like that； he could not think of her
actual nakedness。 She was a girl and he liked her； and dreaded
violently even the thought of uncovering her。 He knew that； in
these last issues of nakedness； he did not exist to her nor she
to him。 Again； if he had a loose girl； and things began to
develop； she offended him so deeply all the time； that he never
knew whether he was going to get away from her as quickly as
possible； or whether he were going to take her out of inflamed
necessity。 Again he learnt his lesson： if he took her it was a
paucity which he was forced to despise。 He did not despise
himself nor the girl。 But he despised the result in him of
the experiencehe despised it deeply and bitterly。
Then； when he was twentythree； his mother died； and he was
left at home with Effie。 His mother's death was another blow out
of the dark。 He could not understand it； he knew it was no good
his trying。 One had to submit to these unforeseen blows that
e unawares and leave a bruise that remains and hurts whenever
it is touched。 He began to be afraid of all that which was up
against him。 He had loved his mother。
After this； Effie and he quarrelled fiercely。 They meant a
very great deal to each other； but they were both under a
strange； unnatural tension。 He stayed out of the house as much
as possible。 He got a special corner for himself at the 〃Red
Lion〃 at Cossethay； and became a usual figure by the fire； a
fresh； fair young fellow with heavy limbs and head held back；
mostly silent； though alert and attentive； very hearty in his
greeting of everybody he knew； shy of strangers。 He teased all
the women； who liked him extremely； and he was very attentive to
the talk of the men； very respectful。
To drink made him quickly flush very red in the face； and
brought out the look of selfconsciousness and unsureness；
almost bewilderment； in his blue eyes。 When he came home in this
state of tipsy confusion his sister hated him and abused him；
and he went off his head； like a mad bull with rage。
He had still another turn with a lighto'love。 One
Whitsuntide he went a jaunt with two other young fellows； on
horseback； to Matlock and thence to Bakewell。 Matlock was at
that time just being a famous beautyspot； visited from
Manchester and from the Staffordshire towns。 In the hotel where
the young men took lunch； were two girls； and the parties struck
up a friendship。
The Miss who made up to Tom Brangwen； then twentyfour years
old； was a handsome； reckless girl neglected for an afternoon by
the man who had brought her out。 She saw Brangwen and liked him；
as all women did； for his warmth and his generous nature； and
for the innate delicacy in him。 But she saw he was one who would
have to be brought to the scratch。 However； she was roused and
unsatisfied and made mischievous； so she dared anything。 It
would be an easy interlude； restoring her pride。
She was a handsome girl with a bosom； and dark hair and blue
eyes； a girl full of easy laughter； flushed from the sun；
inclined to wipe her laughing face in a very natural and taking
manner。
Brangwen was in a state of wonder。 He treated her with his
chaffing deference； roused； but very unsure of himself； afraid
to death of being too forward； ashamed lest he might be thought
backward； mad with desire yet restrained by instinctive regard
for women from making any definite approach； feeling all the
while that his attitude was ridiculous； and flushing deep with
confusion。 She； however； became hard and daring as he became
confused； it amused her to see him e on。
〃When must you get back？〃 she asked。
〃I'm not particular；〃 he said。
There the conversation again broke down。
Brangwen's panions were ready to go on。
〃Art min'； Tom；〃 they called； 〃or art for stoppin'？〃
〃Ay； I'm min'；〃 he replied； rising reluctantly； an angry
sense of futility and disappointment spreading over him。
He met the full； almost taunting look of the girl； and he
trembled with unusedness。
〃Shall you e an' have a look at my mare；〃 he said to her；
with his hearty kindliness that was now shaken with
trepidation。
〃Oh； I should like to；〃 she said； rising。
And she followed him； his rather sloping shoulders and his
cloth ridinggaiters； out of the room。 The young men got their
own horses out of the stable。
〃Can you ride？〃 Brangwen asked her。
〃I should like to if I couldI have never tried；〃 she
said。
〃e then； an' have a try；〃 he said。
And he lifted her； he blushing； she laughing； into the
saddle。
〃I s'll slip offit's not a lady's saddle；〃 she
cried。
〃Hold yer tight；〃 he said； and he led her out of the hotel
gate。
The girl sat very insecurely； clinging fast。 He put a hand on
her waist； to support her。 And he held her closely； he clasped
her as in an embrace； he was weak with desire as he strode
beside her。
The horse walked by the river。
〃You want to sit straddleleg；〃 he said to her。
〃I know I do；〃 she said。
It was the time of very full skirts。 She managed to get
astride the horse； quite decently； showing an intent concern for
covering her pretty leg。
〃It's a lot's better this road；〃 she said； looking down at
him。
〃Ay； it is；〃 he said； feeling the marrow melt in his bones
from the look in her eyes。 〃I dunno why they have that
sidesaddle business； twistin' a woman in two。〃
〃Should us leave you thenyou seem to be fixed up
there？〃 called Brangwen's panions from the road。
He went red with anger。
〃Aydon't worry；〃 he called back。
〃How long are yer stoppin'？〃 they asked。
〃Not after Christmas；〃 he said。
And the girl gave a tinkling peal of laughter。
〃All rightbybye！〃 called his friends。
And they cantered off； leaving him very flushed； trying to be
quite normal with the girl。 But presently he had gone back to
the hotel and given his horse into the charge of an ostler and
had gone off with the girl into the woods； not quite knowing
where he was or what he was doing。 His heart thumped and he
thought it the most glorious adventure； and was mad with desire
for the girl。
Afterwards he glowed with pleasure。 By Jove； but that was
something like！ He ＇stayed the afternoon with the girl； and＇
wanted to stay the night。 She； however； told him this was impossible：
her own man would be back by dark； and she must be with him。
He； Brangwen； must not let on that there had been anything
between them。
She gave him an intimate smile； which made him feel confused
and gratified。
He could not tear himself away； though he had promised not to
interfere with the girl。 He stayed on at the hotel over night。
He saw the other fellow at the evening meal： a small；
middleaged man with irongrey hair and a curious face； like a
monkey's； but interesting； in its way almost beautiful。 Brangwen
guessed that he was a foreigner。 He was in pany with another；
an Englishman； dry and hard。 The four sat at table； two men and
two women。 Brangwen watched with all his eyes。
He saw how the foreigner treated the women with courteous
contempt； as if they were pleasing animals。 Brangwen's girl had
put on a ladylike manner； but her voice betrayed her。 She wanted
to win back her man。 When dessert came on； however； the little
foreigner turned round from his table and calmly surveyed the
room； like one unoccupied。 Brangwen marvelled over the cold；
animal intelligence of the face。 The brown eyes were round；
showing all the brown pupil； like a monkey's； and just calmly
looking； perceiving the other person without referring to him at
all。 They rested on Brangwen。 The latter marvelled at the old
face turned round on him； looking at him without considering it
necessary to know him at all。 The eyebrows of the round；
perceiving； but unconcerned eyes were rather high up； with
slight wrinkles above them； just as a monkey's had。 It was an
old； ageless face。
The man was most amazingly a gentleman all the time； an
aristocrat。 Brangwen stared fascinated。 The girl was pushing her
crumbs about on the cloth； uneasily； flushed and angry。
As Brangwen sat motionless in the hall afterwards； too much
moved and lost to know what to do； the little stranger came up
to him with a beautiful smile and manner； offering a cigarette