； how supremethe two Great Unknowns； the two Illustrious Conjecturabilities！ They are the best…known unknown persons that have ever drawn breath upon the planet。
For the instruction of the ignorant I will make a list； now； of those details of Shakespeare's history which are FACTSverified facts； established facts； undisputed facts。
FACTS
He was born on the 23d of April； 1564。
Of good farmer…class parents who could not read； could not write； could not sign their names。
At Stratford； a small back settlement which in that day was shabby and unclean； and densely illiterate。 Of the nineteen important men charged with the government of the town； thirteen had to 〃make their mark〃 in attesting important documents； because they could not write their names。
Of the first eighteen years of his life NOTHING is known。 They are a blank。
On the 27th of November （1582） William Shakespeare took out a license to marry Anne Whateley。
Next day William Shakespeare took out a license to marry Anne Hathaway。 She was eight years his senior。
William Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway。 In a hurry。 By grace of a reluctantly…granted dispensation there was but one publication of the banns。
Within six months the first child was born。
About two （blank） years followed； during which period NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENED TO SHAKESPEARE； so far as anybody knows。
Then came twins1585。 February。
Two blank years follow。
Then1587he makes a ten…year visit to London； leaving the family behind。
Five blank years follow。 During this period NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM； as far as anybody actually knows。
Then1592there is mention of him as an actor。
Next year1593his name appears in the official list of players。
Next year1594he played before the queen。 A detail of no consequence： other obscurities did it every year of the forty…five of her reign。 And remained obscure。
Three pretty full years follow。 Full of play…acting。 Then
In 1597 he bought New Place； Stratford。
Thirteen or fourteen busy years follow； years in which he accumulated money； and also reputation as actor and manager。
Meantime his name； liberally and variously spelt； had become associated with a number of great plays and poems； as （ostensibly） author of the same。
Some of these； in these years and later； were pirated； but he made no protest。 Then1610…11he returned to Stratford and settled down for good and all； and busied himself in lending money； trading in tithes； trading in land and houses； shirking a debt of forty…one shillings； borrowed by his wife during his long desertion of his family； suing debtors for shillings and coppers； being sued himself for shillings and coppers； and acting as confederate to a neighbor who tried to rob the town of its rights in a certain common； and did not succeed。
He lived five or six yearstill 1616in the joy of these elevated pursuits。 Then he made a will； and signed each of its three pages with his name。
A thoroughgoing business man's will。 It named in minute detail every item of property he owned in the worldhouses； lands； sword； silver…gilt bowl； and so onall the way down to his 〃second…best bed〃 and its furniture。
It carefully and calculatingly distributed his riches among the members of his family； overlooking no individual of it。 Not even his wife： the wife he had been enabled to marry in a hurry by urgent grace of a special dispensation before he was nineteen； the wife whom he had left husbandless so many years； the wife who had had to borrow forty…one shillings in her need； and which the lender was never able to collect of the prosperous husband； but died at last with the money still lacking。 No； even this wife was remembered in Shakespeare's will。
He left her that 〃second…best bed。〃
And NOT ANOTHER THING； not even a penny to bless her lucky widowhood with。
It was eminently and conspicuously a business man's will； not a poet's。
It mentioned NOT A SINGLE BOOK。
Books were much more precious than swords and silver…gilt bowls and second…best beds in those days； and when a departing person owned one he gave it a high place in his will。
The will mentioned NOT A PLAY； NOT A POEM； NOT AN UNFINISHED LITERARY WORK； NOT A SCRAP OF MANUSCRIPT OF ANY KIND。
Many poets have died poor； but this is the only one in history that has died THIS poor； the others all left literary remains behind。 Also a book。 Maybe two。
If Shakespeare had owned a dogbut we need not go into that： we know he would have mentioned it in his will。 If a good dog； Susanna would have got it； if an inferior one his wife would have got a dower interest in it。 I wish he had had a dog； just so we could see how painstakingly he would have divided that dog among the family； in his careful business way。
He signed the will in three places。
In earlier years he signed two other official documents。
These five signatures still exist。
There are NO OTHER SPECIMENS OF HIS PENMANSHIP IN EXISTENCE。 Not a line。
Was he prejudiced against the art？ His granddaughter； whom he loved； was eight years old when he died； yet she had had no teaching； he left no provision for her education although he was rich； and in her mature womanhood she couldn't write and couldn't tell her husband's manuscript from anybody else'sshe thought it was Shakespeare's。
When Shakespeare died in Stratford IT WAS NOT AN EVENT。 It made no more stir in England than the death of any other forgotten theatre… actor would have made。 Nobody came down from London； there were no lamenting poems； no eulogies； no national tearsthere was merely silence； and nothing more。 A striking contrast with what happened when Ben Jonson； and Francis Bacon； and Spenser； and Raleigh and the other distinguished literary folk of Shakespeare's time passed from life！ No praiseful voice was lifted for the lost Bard of Avon； even Ben Jonson waited seven years before he lifted his。
SO FAR AS ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOWS AND CAN PROVE； Shakespeare of Stratford…on…Avon never wrote a play in his life。
SO FAR AS ANYBODY KNOWS AND CAN PROVE； he never wrote a letter to anybody in his life。
SO FAR AS ANY ONE KNOWS； HE RECEIVED ONLY ONE LETTER DURING HIS LIFE。
So far as any one KNOWS AND CAN PROVE； Shakespeare of Stratford wrote only one poem during his life。 This one is authentic。 He did write that onea fact which stands undisputed； he wrote the whole of it； he wrote the whole of it out of his own head。 He commanded that this work of art be engraved upon his tomb； and he was obeyed。 There it abides to this day。 This is it：
Good friend for Iesus sake forbeare To digg the dust encloased heare： Blest be ye man yt spares thes stones And curst be he yt moves my bones。
In the list as above set down； will be found EVERY POSITIVELY KNOWN fact of Shakespeare's life； lean and meagre as the invoice is。 Beyond these details we know NOT A THING about him。 All the rest of his vast history； as furnished by the biographers； is built up； course upon course； of guesses； inferences； theories； conjectures an Eiffel Tower of artificialities rising sky…high from a very flat and very thin foundation of inconsequential facts。
CHAPTER IV
CONJECTURES
The historians 〃suppose〃 that Shakespeare attended the Free School in Stratford from the time he was seven years old till he was thirteen。 There is no EVIDENCE in existence that he ever went to school at all。
The historians 〃infer〃 that he got his Latin in that schoolthe school which they 〃suppose〃 he attended。
They 〃suppose〃 his father's declining fortunes made it necessary for him to leave the school they supposed he attended； and get to work and help support his parents and their ten children。 But there is no evidence that he ever entered or retired from the school they suppose he attended。
They 〃suppose〃 he assisted his father in the butchering business； and that； being only a boy； he didn't have to do full…grown butchering； but only slaughtered calves。 Also； that whenever he killed a calf he made a high…flown speech over it。 This supposition rests upon the testimony of a man who wasn't there at the time； a man who got it from a man who could have been there； but did not say whether he was or not； and neither of them thought to mention it for decades； and decades； and decades； and two more decades after Shakespeare's death （until old age and mental decay had refreshed and vivified their memories）。 They hadn't two facts in stock about the long…dead distinguished citizen； but only just the one： he slaughtered calves and broke into oratory while he was at it。 Curious。 They had only one fact； yet the distinguished citizen had spent twenty…six years in that little townjust half his lifetime。 However； rightly viewed； it was the most important fact； indeed almost the only important fact； of Shakespeare's life in Stratford。 Rightly viewed。 For experience is an author's most valuable asset； experience is the thing that puts the muscle and the breath and the warm blood into the book he writes。 Rightly viewed； calf…butchering accounts for Titus Andronicus； the only playain't it？that the Stratford Shakespeare ever wrote； and yet it is the only one everybody tries to chouse him out of； the Baconians included。
The historians find themselves 〃justified in believing〃 that the young Shakespeare poached upon Sir Thomas Lucy's deer preserves and got haled before that magistrate for it。 But there is no shred of respectworthy evidence that anything of the kind happened。
The historians； having argued the thing that MIGHT have happened into the thing that DID happen； found no trouble in turning Sir Thomas Lucy into Mr。 Justice Shallow。 They have long ago convinced the worldon surmise and without trustworthy evidencethat Shallow IS Sir Thomas。
The next addition to the young Shakespeare's Stratford history comes easy。 The historian builds it out of the surmised deer… stealing； and the surmised trial before the magistrate； and the surmised vengeance…prompted satire upon the magistrate in the play： result； the young Shakespeare was a wild； wild； wild； oh SUCH a wild young scamp； and that gratuitous slander is established for all time！ It is the very way Professor Osborn and I built the colossal skeleton brontosaur