hed for all time！ It is the very way Professor Osborn and I built the colossal skeleton brontosaur that stands fifty…seven feet long and sixteen feet high in the Natural History Museum； the awe and admiration of all the world； the stateliest skeleton that exists on the planet。 We had nine bones； and we built the rest of him out of plaster of paris。 We ran short of plaster of paris； or we'd have built a brontosaur that could sit down beside the Stratford Shakespeare and none but an expert could tell which was biggest or contained the most plaster。
Shakespeare pronounced Venus and Adonis 〃the first heir of his invention；〃 apparently implying that it was his first effort at literary composition。 He should not have said it。 It has been an embarrassment to his historians these many； many years。 They have to make him write that graceful and polished and flawless and beautiful poem before he escaped from Stratford and his family 1586 or '87age； twenty…two； or along there； because within the next five years he wrote five great plays； and could not have found time to write another line。
It is sorely embarrassing。 If he began to slaughter calves； and poach deer； and rollick around； and learn English； at the earliest likely momentsay at thirteen； when he was supposably wrenched from that school where he was supposably storing up Latin for future literary usehe had his youthful hands full； and much more than full。 He must have had to put aside his Warwickshire dialect； which wouldn't be understood in London； and study English very hard。 Very hard indeed； incredibly hard； almost； if the result of that labor was to be the smooth and rounded and flexible and letter…perfect English of the Venus and Adonis in the space of ten years； and at the same time learn great and fine and unsurpassable literary form。
However； it is 〃conjectured〃 that he accomplished all this and more； much more： learned law and its intricacies； and the complex procedure of the law courts； and all about soldiering； and sailoring； and the manners and customs and ways of royal courts and aristocratic society； and likewise accumulated in his one head every kind of knowledge the learned then possessed； and every kind of humble knowledge possessed by the lowly and the ignorant； and added thereto a wider and more intimate knowledge of the world's great literatures； ancient and modern； than was possessed by any other man of his timefor he was going to make brilliant and easy and admiration…compelling use of these splendid treasures the moment he got to London。 And according to the surmisers； that is what he did。 Yes； although there was no one in Stratford able to teach him these things； and no library in the little village to dig them out of。 His father could not read； and even the surmisers surmise that he did not keep a library。
It is surmised by the biographers that the young Shakespeare got his vast knowledge of the law and his familiar and accurate acquaintance with the manners and customs and shop…talk of lawyers through being for a time the CLERK OF A STRATFORD COURT； just as a bright lad like me； reared in a village on the banks of the Mississippi； might become perfect in knowledge of the Behring Strait whale…fishery and the shop…talk of the veteran exercisers of that adventure…bristling trade through catching catfish with a 〃trot…line〃 Sundays。 But the surmise is damaged by the fact that there is no evidenceand not even traditionthat the young Shakespeare was ever clerk of a law court。
It is further surmised that the young Shakespeare accumulated his law…treasures in the first years of his sojourn in London； through 〃amusing himself〃 by learning book…law in his garret and by picking up lawyer…talk and the rest of it through loitering about the law… courts and listening。 But it is only surmise； there is no EVIDENCE that he ever did either of those things。 They are merely a couple of chunks of plaster of paris。
There is a legend that he got his bread and butter by holding horses in front of the London theatres； mornings and afternoons。 Maybe he did。 If he did； it seriously shortened his law…study hours and his recreation…time in the courts。 In those very days he was writing great plays； and needed all the time he could get。 The horse…holding legend ought to be strangled； it too formidably increases the historian's difficulty in accounting for the young Shakespeare's eruditionan erudition which he was acquiring； hunk by hunk and chunk by chunk every day in those strenuous times； and emptying each day's catch into next day's imperishable drama。
He had to acquire a knowledge of war at the same time； and a knowledge of soldier…people and sailor…people and their ways and talk； also a knowledge of some foreign lands and their languages： for he was daily emptying fluent streams of these various knowledges； too； into his dramas。 How did he acquire these rich assets？
In the usual way： by surmise。 It is SURMISED that he travelled in Italy and Germany and around； and qualified himself to put their scenic and social aspects upon paper； that he perfected himself in French； Italian and Spanish on the road； that he went in Leicester's expedition to the Low Countries； as soldier or sutler or something； for several months or yearsor whatever length of time a surmiser needs in his businessand thus became familiar with soldiership and soldier…ways and soldier…talk； and generalship and general…ways and general…talk； and seamanship and sailor…ways and sailor…talk。
Maybe he did all these things； but I would like to know who held the horses in the meantime； and who studied the books in the garret； and who frollicked in the law…courts for recreation。 Also； who did the call…boying and the play…acting。
For he became a call…boy； and as early as '93 he became a 〃vagabond〃the law's ungentle term for an unlisted actor； and in '94 a 〃regular〃 and properly and officially listed member of that （in those days） lightly…valued and not much respected profession。
Right soon thereafter he became a stockholder in two theatres； and manager of them。 Thenceforward he was a busy and flourishing business man； and was raking in money with both hands for twenty years。 Then in a noble frenzy of poetic inspiration he wrote his one poemhis only poem； his darlingand laid him down and died：
Good friend for Iesus sake forbeare To digg the dust encloased heare： Blest be ye man yt spares thes stones And curst be he yt moves my bones。
He was probably dead when he wrote it。 Still； this is only conjecture。 We have only circumstantial evidence。 Internal evidence。
Shall I set down the rest of the Conjectures which constitute the giant Biography of William Shakespeare？ It would strain the Unabridged Dictionary to hold them。 He is a Brontosaur： nine bones and six hundred barrels of plaster of paris。
CHAPTER V
〃We May Assume〃
In the Assuming trade three separate and independent cults are transacting business。 Two of these cults are known as the Shakespearites and the Baconians； and I am the other onethe Brontosaurian。
The Shakespearite knows that Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare's Works； the Baconian knows that Francis Bacon wrote them； the Brontosaurian doesn't really know which of them did it； but is quite composedly and contentedly sure that Shakespeare DIDN'T； and strongly suspects that Bacon DID。 We all have to do a good deal of assuming； but I am fairly certain that in every case I can call to mind the Baconian assumers have come out ahead of the Shakespearites。 Both parties handle the same materials； but the Baconians seem to me to get much more reasonable and rational and persuasive results out of them than is the case with the Shakespearites。 The Shakespearite conducts his assuming upon a definite principle； an unchanging and immutable lawwhich is： 2 and 8 and 7 and 14； added together； make 165。 I believe this to be an error。 No matter； you cannot get a habit…sodden Shakespearite to cipher…up his materials upon any other basis。 With the Baconian it is different。 If you place before him the above figures and set him to adding them up； he will never in any case get more than 45 out of them； and in nine cases out of ten he will get just the proper 31。
Let me try to illustrate the two systems in a simple and homely way calculated to bring the idea within the grasp of the ignorant and unintelligent。 We will suppose a case： take a lap…bred； house… fed； uneducated； inexperienced kitten； take a rugged old Tom that's scarred from stem to rudder…post with the memorials of strenuous experience； and is so cultured； so educated； so limitlessly erudite that one may say of him 〃all cat…knowledge is his province〃； also； take a mouse。 Lock the three up in a holeless； crackless； exitless prison…cell。 Wait half an hour； then open the cell； introduce a Shakespearite and a Baconian； and let them cipher and assume。 The mouse is missing： the question to be decided is； where is it？ You can guess both verdicts beforehand。 One verdict will say the kitten contains the mouse； the other will as certainly say the mouse is in the tomcat。
The Shakespearite will Reason like this（that is not my word； it is his）。 He will say the kitten MAY HAVE BEEN attending school when nobody was noticing； therefore WE ARE WARRANTED IN ASSUMING that it did so； also； it COULD HAVE BEEN training in a court… clerk's office when no one was noticing； since that could have happened； WE ARE JUSTIFIED IN ASSUMING that it did happen； it COULD HAVE STUDIED CATOLOGY IN A GARRET when no one was noticing therefore it DID； it COULD HAVE attended cat…assizes on the shed… roof nights； for recreation； when no one was noticing； and harvested a knowledge of cat court…forms and cat lawyer…talk in that way： it COULD have done it； therefore without a doubt it did； it could have gone soldiering with a war…tribe when no one was noticing； and learned soldier…wiles and soldier…ways； and what to do with a mouse when opportunity offers； the plain inference； therefore is； that that is what it DID。 Since all these manifold things COULD have occurred； we have EVERY RIGHT TO BELIEVE they did occur。 These patiently and painstakingly accumulated vast acquirements and competences needed but one thing more