A soiled baby； with a neglected nose； cannot be conscientiously regarded
as a thing of beauty； and inasmuch as babyhood spans but three short
years； no baby is competent to be a joy 〃forever。〃 It pains me thus to
demolish two…thirds of your pretty sentiment in a single sentence； but
the position I hold in this chair requires that I shall not permit you to
deceive and mislead the public with your plausible figures of speech。
I know a female baby； aged eighteen months； in this city； which cannot
hold out as a 〃joy〃 twenty…four hours on a stretch； let alone 〃forever。〃
And it possesses some of the most remarkable eccentricities of character
and appetite that have ever fallen under my notice。 I will set down here
a statement of this infant's operations （conceived； planned； and earned
out by itself； and without suggestion or assistance from its mother or
any one else）； during a single day； and what I shall say can be
substantiated by the sworn testimony of witnesses。
It commenced by eating one dozen large blue…mass pills； box and all； then
it fell down a flight of stairs； and arose with a blue and purple knot on
its forehead； after which it proceeded in quest of further refreshment
and amusement。 It found a glass trinket ornamented with brass…work
smashed up and ate the glass； and then swallowed the brass。
Then it drank about twenty drops of laudanum； and more than a dozen
tablespoonfuls of strong spirits of camphor。 The reason why it took no
more laudanum was because there was no more to take。 After this it lay
down on its back； and shoved five or six； inches of a silver…headed
whalebone cane down its throat； got it fast there； and it was all its
mother could do to pull the cane out again； without pulling out some of
the child with it。 Then； being hungry for glass again； it broke up
several wine glasses； and fell to eating and swallowing the fragments；
not minding a cut or two。 Then it ate a quantity of butter； pepper；
salt； and California matches； actually taking a spoonful of butter； a
spoonful of salt； a spoonful of pepper； and three or four lucifer matches
at each mouthful。 （I will remark here that this thing of beauty likes
painted German lucifers； and eats all she can get of them； but she
prefers California matches； which I regard as a compliment to our home
manufactures of more than ordinary value； coming； as it does； from one
who is too young to flatter。） Then she washed her head with soap and
water； and afterward ate what soap was left； and drank as much of the
suds as she had room for； after which she sallied forth and took the cow
familiarly by the tail； and got kicked heels over head。 At odd times
during the day； when this joy forever happened to have nothing particular
on hand； she put in the time by climbing up on places； and falling down
off them； uniformly damaging her self in the operation。 As young as she
is； she speaks many words tolerably distinctly； and being plain spoken in
other respects； blunt and to the point； she opens conversation with all
strangers； male or female； with the same formula； 〃How do； Jim？〃
Not being familiar with the ways of children； it is possible that I have
been magnifying into matter of surprise things which may not strike any
one who is familiar with infancy as being at all astonishing。 However； I
cannot believe that such is the case； and so I repeat that my report of
this baby's performances is strictly true； and if any one doubts it；
I can produce the child。 I will further engage that she will devour
anything that is given her （reserving to myself only the right to exclude
anvils）； and fall down from any place to which she may be elevated
（merely stipulating that her preference for alighting on her head shall
be respected； and； therefore； that the elevation chosen shall be high
enough to enable her to accomplish this to her satisfaction）。 But I find
I have wandered from my subject； so； without further argument； I will
reiterate my conviction that not all babies are things of beauty and joys
forever。
〃ARITHMETICUS。〃 Virginia； Nevada。〃I am an enthusiastic student of
mathematics； and it is so vexatious to me to find my progress
constantly impeded by these mysterious arithmetical technicalities。
Now do tell me what the difference is between geometry and
conchology？〃
Here you come again with your arithmetical conundrums； when I am
suffering death with a cold in the head。 If you could have seen the
expression of scorn that darkened my countenance a moment ago； and was
instantly split from the center in every direction like a fractured
looking…glass by my last sneeze； you never would have written that
disgraceful question。 Conchology is a science which has nothing to do
with mathematics； it relates only to shells。 At the same time； however；
a man who opens oysters for a hotel； or shells a fortified town； or sucks
eggs； is not； strictly speaking； a conchologist…a fine stroke of sarcasm
that； but it will be lost on such an unintellectual clam as you。 Now
compare conchology and geometry together； and you will see what the
difference is； and your question will be answered。 But don't torture me
with any more arithmetical horrors until you know I am rid of my cold。 I
feel the bitterest animosity toward you at this moment…bothering me in
this way； when I can do nothing but sneeze and rage and snort pocket…
handkerchiefs to atoms。 If I had you in range of my nose now I would
blow your brains out。
TO RAISE POULTRY
＇Being a letter written to a Poultry Society that had conferred a
complimentary membership upon the author。 Written about 1870。＇
Seriously； from early youth I have taken an especial interest in the
subject of poultry…raising； and so this membership touches a ready
sympathy in my breast。 Even as a schoolboy； poultry…raising was a study
with me； and I may say without egotism that as early as the age of
seventeen I was acquainted with all the best and speediest methods of
raising chickens； from raising them off a roost by burning lucifer
matches under their noses； down to lifting them off a fence on a frosty
night by insinuating the end of a warm board under their heels。 By the
time I was twenty years old； I really suppose I had raised more poultry
than any one individual in all the section round about there。 The very
chickens came to know my talent by and by。 The youth of both sexes
ceased to paw the earth for worms； and old roosters that came to crow；
〃remained to pray；〃 when I passed by。
I have had so much experience in the raising of fowls that I cannot but
think that a few hints from me might be useful to the society。 The two
methods I have already touched upon are very simple； and are only used in
the raising of the commonest class of fowls； one is for summer； the other
for winter。 In the one case you start out with a friend along about
eleven o'clock' on… a summer's night （not later； because in some states
especially in California and Oregonchickens always rouse up just at
midnight and crow from ten to thirty minutes； according to the ease or
difficulty they experience in getting the public waked up）； and your
friend carries with him a sack。 Arrived at the henroost （your
neighbor's； not your own）； you light a match and hold it under first one
and then another pullet's nose until they are willing to go into that bag
without making any trouble about it。 You then return home； either taking
the bag with you or leaving it behind； according as circumstances shall
dictate。 N。 B。I have seen the time when it was eligible and
appropriate to leave the sack behind and walk off with considerable
velocity； without ever leaving any word where to send it。
In the case of the other method mentioned for raising poultry； your
friend takes along a covered vessel with a charcoal fire in it； and you
carry a long slender plank。 This is a frosty night； understand。 Arrived
at the tree； or fence； or other henroost （your own if you are an idiot）；
you warm the end of your plank in your friend's fire vessel； and then
raise it aloft and ease it up gently against a slumbering chicken's foot。
If the subject of your attentions is a true bird； he will infallibly
return thanks with a sleepy cluck or two； and step out and take up
quarters on the plank； thus becoming so conspicuously accessory before
the fact to his own murder as to make it a grave question in our minds as
it once was in the mind of Blackstone； whether he is not really and
deliberately； committing suicide in the second degree。 ＇But you enter
into a contemplation of these legal refinements subsequently not then。＇
When you wish to raise a fine； large； donkey voiced Shanghai rooster； you
do it with a lasso； just as you would a bull。 It is because he must
choked； and choked effectually； too。 It is the only good； certain way；
for whenever he mentions a matter which he is cordially interested in；
the chances are ninety…nine in a hundred that he secures somebody else's
immediate attention to it too； whether it day or night。
The Black Spanish is an exceedingly fine bird and a costly one。 Thirty…
five dollars is the usual figure and fifty a not uncommon price for a
specimen。 Even its eggs are worth from a dollar to a dollar and a half
apiece； and yet are so unwholesome that the city physician seldom or
never orders them for the workhouse。 Still I have once or twice procured
as high as a dozen at a time for nothing； in the dark of the moon。 The
best way to raise the Black Spanish fowl is to go late in the evening and
raise coop and all。 The reason I recommend this method is that； the
birds being so valuable； the owners do not permit them to roost around
promiscuously； they put them in a coop as strong as a fireproof safe and
keep it in the kitchen at night。 The method I speak of is not always a
bright and satisfying success； and yet there are so many little articles
of vertu about a kitchen； that if you fail on the coop you can generally
bring away something else。 I brought away a nice steel trap one night；
worth ninety cents。
But what is the use in my pouring out my whole intellect on this subject？
I have shown the Western New York Pou