the dark flower- 第5部分

VII


Then　followed　for　young　Lennan　a　strange　time；　when　he　never　knew
from　minute　to　minute　whether　he　was　happyalways　trying　to　be
with　her；　restless　if　he　could　not　be；　sore　if　she　talked　with　and
smiled　at　others；　yet；　when　he　was　with　her；　restless　too；
unsatisfied；　suffering　from　his　own　timidity。

One　wet　morning；　when　she　was　playing　the　hotel　piano；　and　he
listening；　thinking　to　have　her　to　himself；　there　came　a　young
German　violinistpale；　and　with　a　brown；　thin…waisted　coat；
longish　hair；　and　little　whiskersrather　a　beast；　in　fact。　　Soon；
of　course；　this　young　beast　was　asking　her　to　accompany　himas　if
anyone　wanted　to　hear　him　play　his　disgusting　violin！　　Every　word
and　smile　that　she　gave　him　hurt　so；　seeing　how　much　more
interesting　than　himself　this　foreigner　was！　　And　his　heart　grew
heavier　and　heavier；　and　he　thought：　If　she　likes　him　I　ought　not
to　mindonly；　I　DO　mind！　　How　can　I　help　minding？　　It　was　hateful
to　see　her　smiling；　and　the　young　beast　bending　down　to　her。　　And
they　were　talking　German；　so　that　he　could　not　tell　what　they　were
saying；　which　made　it　more　unbearable。　　He　had　not　known　there
could　be　such　torture。

And　then　he　began　to　want　to　hurt　her；　too。　　But　that　was　mean
besides；　how　could　he　hurt　her？　　She　did　not　care　for　him。　　He　was
nothing　to　heronly　a　boy。　　If　she　really　thought　him　only　a　boy；
who　felt　so　oldit　would　be　horrible。　　It　flashed　across　him　that
she　might　be　playing　that　young　violinist　against　him！　　No；　she
never　would　do　that！　　But　the　young　beast　looked　just　the　sort　that
might　take　advantage　of　her　smiles。　　If　only　he　WOULD　do　something
that　was　not　respectful；　how　splendid　it　would　be　to　ask　him　to
come　for　a　walk　in　the　woods；　and；　having　told　him　why；　give　him　a
thrashing。　　Afterwards；　he　would　not　tell　her；　he　would　not　try　to
gain　credit　by　it。　　He　would　keep　away　till　she　wanted　him　back。
But　suddenly　the　thought　of　what　he　would　feel　if　she　really　meant
to　take　this　young　man　as　her　friend　in　place　of　him　became　so
actual；　so　poignant；　so　horribly　painful；　that　he　got　up　abruptly
and　went　towards　the　door。　　Would　she　not　say　a　word　to　him　before
he　got　out　of　the　room；　would　she　not　try　and　keep　him？　　If　she　did
not；　surely　it　would　be　all　over；　it　would　mean　that　anybody　was
more　to　her　than　he。　　That　little　journey　to　the　door；　indeed；
seemed　like　a　march　to　execution。　　Would　she　not　call　after　him？
He　looked　back。　　She　was　smiling。　　But　HE　could　not　smile；　she　had
hurt　him　too　much！　　Turning　his　head　away；　he　went　out；　and　dashed
into　the　rain　bareheaded。　　The　feeling　of　it　on　his　face　gave　him　a
sort　of　dismal　satisfaction。　　Soon　he　would　be　wet　through。
Perhaps　he　would　get　ill。　　Out　here；　far　away　from　his　people；　she
would　have　to　offer　to　nurse　him；　and　perhapsperhaps　in　his
illness　he　would　seem　to　her　again　more　interesting　than　that　young
beast；　and　then　　Ah！　if　only　he　could　be　ill！

He　mounted　rapidly　through　the　dripping　leaves　towards　the　foot　of
the　low　mountain　that　rose　behind　the　hotel。　　A　trail　went　up　there
to　the　top；　and　he　struck　into　it；　going　at　a　great　pace。　　His
sense　of　injury　began　dying　away；　he　no　longer　wanted　to　be　ill。
The　rain　had　stopped；　the　sun　came　out；　he　went　on；　up　and　up。　　He
would　get　to　the　top　quicker　than　anyone　ever　had！　　It　was
something　he　could　do　better　than　that　young　beast。　　The　pine…trees
gave　way　to　stunted　larches；　and　these　to　pine　scrub　and　bare
scree；　up　which　he　scrambled；　clutching　at　the　tough　bushes；
terribly　out　of　breath；　his　heart　pumping；　the　sweat　streaming　into
his　eyes。　　He　had　no　feeling　now　but　wonder　whether　he　would　get　to
the　top　before　he　dropped；　exhausted。　　He　thought　he　would　die　of
the　beating　of　his　heart；　but　it　was　better　to　die　than　to　stop　and
be　beaten　by　a　few　yards。　　He　stumbled　up　at　last　on　to　the　little
plateau　at　the　top。　　For　full　ten　minutes　he　lay　there　on　his　face
without　moving；　then　rolled　over。　　His　heart　had　given　up　that
terrific　thumping；　he　breathed　luxuriously；　stretched　out　his　arms
along　the　steaming　grassfelt　happy。　　It　was　wonderful　up　here；
with　the　sun　burning　hot　in　a　sky　clear…blue　already。　　How　tiny
everything　looked　belowhotel；　trees；　village；　chaletslittle　toy
things！　　He　had　never　before　felt　the　sheer　joy　of　being　high　up。
The　rain…clouds；　torn　and　driven　in　huge　white　shapes　along　the
mountains　to　the　South；　were　like　an　army　of　giants　with　chariots
and　white　horses　hurrying　away。　　He　thought　suddenly：　〃Suppose　I
had　died　when　my　heart　pumped　so！　　Would　it　have　mattered　the　least
bit？　　Everything　would　be　going　on　just　the　same；　the　sun　shining；
the　blue　up　there　the　same；　and　those　toy　things　down　in　the
valley。〃　　That　jealousy　of　his　an　hour　ago；　whyit　was　nothinghe
himself　nothing！　　What　did　it　matter　if　she　were　nice　to　that
fellow　in　the　brown　coat？　　What　did　anything　matter　when　the　whole
thing　was　so　bigand　he　such　a　tiny　scrap　of　it？

On　the　edge　of　the　plateau；　to　mark　the　highest　point；　someone　had
erected　a　rude　cross；　which　jutted　out　stark　against　the　blue　sky。
It　looked　cruel　somehow；　sagged　all　crooked；　and　out　of　place　up
here；　a　piece　of　bad　manners；　as　if　people　with　only　one　idea　had
dragged　it　in；　without　caring　whether　or　no　it　suited　what　was
around　it。　　One　might　just　as　well　introduce　one　of　these　rocks
into　that　jolly　dark　church　where　he　had　left　her　the　other　day；　as
put　a　cross　up　here。

A　sound　of　bells；　and　of　sniffing　and　scuffling；　roused　him；　a
large　grey　goat　had　come　up　and　was　smelling　at　his　hairthe
leader　of　a　flock；　that　were　soon　all　round　him；　solemnly　curious；
with　their　queer　yellow　oblong…pupilled　eyes；　and　their　quaint
little　beards　and　tails。　　Awfully　decent　beastsand　friendly！
What　jolly　things　to　model！　　He　lay　still　（having　learnt　from　the
fisherman；　his　guardian；　that　necessary　habit　in　the　presence　of
all　beasts）；　while　the　leader　sampled　the　flavour　of　his　neck。　　The
passage　of　that　long　rough　tongue　athwart　his　skin　gave　him　an
agreeable　sensation；　awakened　a　strange　deep　sense　of　comradeship。
He　restrained　his　desire　to　stroke　the　creature's　nose。　　It
appeared　that　they　now　all　wished　to　taste　his　neck；　but　some　were
timid；　and　the　touch　of　their　tongues　simply　a　tickle；　so　that　he
was　compelled　to　laugh；　and　at　that　peculiar　sound　they　withdrew
and　gazed　at　him。　　There　seemed　to　be　no　one　with　them；　then；　at　a
little　distance；　quite　motionless　in　the　shade　of　a　rock；　he　spied
the　goatherd；　a　boy　about　his　own　age。　　How　lonely　he　must　be　up
here　all　day！　　Perhaps　he　talked　to　his　goats。　　He　looked　as　if　he
might。　　One　would　get　to　have　queer　thoughts　up　here；　get　to　know
the　rocks；　and　clouds；　and　beasts；　and　what　they　all　meant。　　The
goatherd　uttered　a　peculiar　whistle；　and　something；　Lennan　could
not　tell　exactly　what；　happened　among　the　goatsa　sort　of　〃Here；
Sir！〃　seemed　to　come　from　them。　　And　then　the　goatherd　moved　out
from　the　shade　and　went　over　to　the　edge　of　the　plateau；　and　two　of
the　goats　that　were　feeding　there　thrust　their　noses　into　his　hand；
and　rubbed　themselves　against　his　legs。　　The　three　looked　beautiful
standing　there　together　on　the　edge　against　the　sky。　。　。　。

That　night；　after　dinner；　the　dining…room　was　cleared　for　dancing；
so　that　the　guests　might　feel　freedom　and　gaiety　in　the　air。　　And；
indeed；　presently；　a　couple　began　sawing　up　and　down　over　the
polished　boards；　in　the　apologetic　manner　peculiar　to　hotel　guests。
Then　three　pairs　of　Italians　suddenly　launched　themselves　into
spacetwirling　and　twirling；　and　glaring　into　each　other's　eyes；
and　some　Americans；　stimulated　by　their　precept；　began　airily
backing　and　filling。　　Two　of　the　'English　Grundys'　with　carefully
amused　faces　next　moved　out。　　To　Lennan　it　seemed　that　they　all
danced　very　well；　better　than　he　could。　　Did　he　dare　ask　HER？　　Then
he　saw　the　young　violinist　go　up；　saw　her　rise　and　take　his　arm　and
vanish　into　the　dancing…room；　and　leaning　his　forehead　against　a
window…pane；　with　a　sick；　beaten　feeling；　he　stayed；　looking　out
into　the　moonlight；　seeing　nothing。　　He　heard　his　name　spoken；　his
tutor　was　standing　beside　him。

〃You　and　I；　Lennan；　must　console　each　other。　　Dancing's　for　the
young；　eh？〃

Fortunately　it　was　the　boy's　instinct　and　his　training　not　to　show
his　feelings；　to　be　pleasant；　though　suffering。

〃Yes；　sir。　　Jolly　moonlight；　isn't　it；　out　there？〃

〃Ah！　very　jolly；　yes。　　When　I　was　your　age　I　twirled　the　light
fantastic　with　the　best。　　But　gradually；　Lennan；　one　came　to　see　it
could　not　be　done　without　a　partnerthere　was　the　rub！　　Tell　me
do　you　regard　women　as　responsible　beings？　　I　should　like　to　have
your　opinion　on　that。〃

It　was；　of　course；　ironicalyet　there　was　something　in　those
wordssomething！

〃I　think　it's　you；　sir；　who　ought　to　give　me　yours。〃

〃My　dear　Lennanmy　experience　is　a　mere　nothing！〃

That　was　meant　for　unkindness　to　her！　　He　would　not　answer。　　If
only　Stormer　would　go　away！　　The　music　had　stopped。　　They　would　be
sitting　out　somewhere；　talking！　　He　made　an　effort；　and　said：

〃I　was　up　the　hill　at　the　back　this　morning；　where　the　cross　is。
There　were　some　jolly　goats。〃

And　suddenly　he　saw　her　coming。　　She　was　aloneflushed；　smiling；
it　struck　him　that　her　frock　was　the　same　colour　as　the　moonlight。

〃Harold；　will　you　dance？〃

He　would　say　'Yes；'　and　she　would　be　gone　again！　　But　his　tutor
only　made　her　a　little　bow；　and　said　with　that　smile　of　his：

〃Lennan　and　I　have　agreed　that　dancing　is　for　the　young。〃

〃Sometimes　the　old　must　sacrifice　themselves。　　Mark；　will　you
dance？〃

Behind　him　he　heard　his　tutor　murmur：

〃Ah！　　Lennanyou　betray　me！〃

That　little　silent　journey　with　her　to　the　dancing…room　was　the
happiest　moment　perhaps　that　he　had　ever　known。　　And　he　need　not
have　been　so　much　afraid　about　his　dancing。　　Truly；　it　was　not
polished；　but　it　could　not　spoil　hers；　so　light；　firm；　buoyant！　　It
was　wonderful　to　dance　with　her。　　Only　when　the　music　stopped　and
they　sat　down　did　he　know　how　his　head　was　going　round。　　He　felt
strange；　very　strange　indeed。　　He　heard　her　say：

〃What　is　it；　dear　boy？　　You　look　so　white！〃

Without　quite　knowing　what　he　did；　he　bent　his　face　towards　the
hand　that