the lily of the valley- 第15部分

the　childish　glee　he　has　shown　when　anything　that　I　advised　was　not　at

once　successful。　All　that　turned　out　well　he　claimed　for　himself。　Yes；

I　need　an　infinite　patience　to　bear　his　complaints　when　I　am　half…

exhausted　in　the　effort　to　amuse　his　weary　hours；　to　sweeten　his　life

and　smooth　the　paths　which　he　himself　has　strewn　with　stones。　The

reward　he　gives　me　is　that　awful　cry：　'Let　me　die；　life　is　a　burden　to

me！'　When　visitors　are　here　and　he　enjoys　them；　he　forgets　his　gloom

and　is　courteous　and　polite。　You　ask　me　why　he　cannot　be　so　to　his

family。　I　cannot　explain　that　want　of　loyalty　in　a　man　who　is　truly

chivalrous。　He　is　quite　capable　of　riding　at　full　speed　to　Paris　to

buy　me　a　set　of　ornaments；　as　he　did　the　other　day　before　the　ball。

Miserly　in　his　household；　he　would　be　lavish　upon　me　if　I　wished　it。　I

would　it　were　reversed；　I　need　nothing　for　myself；　but　the　wants　of

the　household　are　many。　In　my　strong　desire　to　make　him　happy；　and　not

reflecting　that　I　might　be　a　mother；　I　began　my　married　life　by

letting　him　treat　me　as　a　victim；　I；　who　at　that　time　by　using　a　few

caresses　could　have　led　him　like　a　childbut　I　was　unable　to　play　a

part　I　should　have　thought　disgraceful。　Now；　however；　the　welfare　of

my　family　requires　me　to　be　as　calm　and　stern　as　the　figure　of　Justice

and　yet；　I　too　have　a　heart　that　overflows　with　tenderness。〃



〃But　why；〃　I　said；　〃do　you　not　use　this　great　influence　to　master　him

and　govern　him？〃



〃If　it　concerned　myself　only　I　should　not　attempt　either　to　overcome

the　dogged　silence　with　which　for　days　together　he　meets　my　arguments；

nor　to　answer　his　irrational　remarks；　his　childish　reasons。　I　have　no

courage　against　weakness；　any　more　than　I　have　against　childhood；　they

may　strike　me　as　they　will；　I　cannot　resist。　Perhaps　I　might　meet

strength　with　strength；　but　I　am　powerless　against　those　I　pity。　If　I

were　required　to　coerce　Madeleine　in　some　matter　that　would　save　her

life；　I　should　die　with　her。　Pity　relaxes　all　my　fibres　and　unstrings

my　nerves。　So　it　is　that　the　violent　shocks　of　the　last　ten　years　have

broken　me　down；　my　feelings；　so　often　battered；　are　numb　at　times；

nothing　can　revive　them；　even　the　courage　with　which　I　once　faced　my

troubles　begins　to　fail　me。　Yes；　sometimes　I　am　beaten。　For　want　of

restI　mean　reposeand　sea…baths　by　which　to　recover　my　nervous

strength；　I　shall　perish。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　will　have　killed　me；

and　he　will　die　of　my　death。〃



〃Why　not　leave　Clochegourde　for　a　few　months？　Surely　you　could　take

your　children　and　go　to　the　seashore。〃



〃In　the　first　place；　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　would　think　he　were　lost　if

I　left　him。　Though　he　will　not　admit　his　condition　he　is　well　aware　of

it。　He　is　both　sane　and　mad；　two　natures　in　one　man；　a　contradiction

which　explains　many　an　irrational　action。　Besides　this；　he　would　have

good　reason　for　objecting。　Nothing　would　go　right　here　if　I　were

absent。　You　may　have　seen　in　me　the　mother　of　a　family　watchful　to

protect　her　young　from　the　hawk　that　is　hovering　over　them；　a　weighty

task；　indeed；　but　harder　still　are　the　cares　imposed　upon　me　by

Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　whose　constant　cry；　as　he　follows　me　about　is；

'Where　is　Madame？'　I　am　Jacques'　tutor　and　Madeleine's　governess；　but

that　is　not　all；　I　am　bailiff　and　steward　too。　You　will　understand

what　that　means　when　you　come　to　see；　as　you　will；　that　the　working　of

an　estate　in　these　parts　is　the　most　fatiguing　of　all　employments。　We

get　small　returns　in　money；　the　farms　are　cultivated　on　shares；　a

system　which　needs　the　closest　supervision。　We　are　obliged　ourselves

to　sell　our　own　produce；　our　cattle　and　harvests　of　all　kinds。　Our

competitors　in　the　markets　are　our　own　farmers；　who　meet　consumers　in

the　wine…shops　and　determine　prices　by　selling　first。　I　should　weary

you　if　I　explained　the　many　difficulties　of　agriculture　in　this

region。　No　matter　what　care　I　give　to　it；　I　cannot　always　prevent　our

tenants　from　putting　our　manure　upon　their　ground；　I　cannot　be　ever　on

the　watch　lest　they　take　advantage　of　us　in　the　division　of　the　crops；

neither　can　I　always　know　the　exact　moment　when　sales　should　be　made。

So；　if　you　think　of　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　defective　memory；　and　the

difficulty　you　have　seen　me　have　in　persuading　him　to　attend　to

business；　you　can　understand　the　burden　that　is　on　my　shoulders；　and

the　impossibility　of　my　laying　it　down　for　a　single　day。　If　I　were

absent　we　should　be　ruined。　No　one　would　obey　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf。　In

the　first　place　his　orders　are　conflicting；　then　no　one　likes　him；　he

finds　incessant　fault；　and　he　is　very　domineering。　Moreover；　like　all

men　of　feeble　mind；　he　listens　too　readily　to　his　inferiors。　If　I　left

the　house　not　a　servant　would　be　in　it　in　a　week's　time。　So　you　see　I

am　attached　to　Clochegourde　as　those　leaden　finals　are　to　our　roof。　I

have　no　reserves　with　you。　The　whole　country…side　is　still　ignorant　of

the　secrets　of　this　house；　but　you　know　them；　you　have　seen　them。　Say

nothing　but　what　is　kind　and　friendly；　and　you　shall　have　my　esteem

my　gratitude；〃　she　added　in　a　softer　voice。　〃On　those　terms　you　are

welcome　at　Clochegourde；　where　you　will　find　friends。〃



〃Ah！〃　I　exclaimed；　〃I　see　that　I　have　never　really　suffered；　while

you〃



〃No；　no！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　a　smile；　that　smile　of　all　resigned

women　which　might　melt　a　granite　rock。　〃Do　not　be　astonished　at　my

frank　confidence；　it　shows　you　life　as　it　is；　not　as　your　imagination

pictures　it。　We　all　have　our　defects　and　our　good　qualities。　If　I　had

married　a　spendthrift　he　would　have　ruined　me。　If　I　had　given　myself

to　an　ardent　and　pleasure…loving　young　man；　perhaps　I　could　not　have

retained　him；　he　might　have　left　me；　and　I　should　have　died　of

jealousy。　For　I　am　jealous！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　excitement；　which

was　like　the　thunderclap　of　a　passing　storm。　〃But　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf

loves　me　as　much　as　he　is　capable　of　loving；　all　that　his　heart

contains　of　affection　he　pours　at　my　feet；　like　the　Magdalen's　cup　of

ointment。　Believe　me；　a　life　of　love　is　an　exception　to　the　laws　of

this　earth；　all　flowers　fade；　great　joys　and　emotions　have　a　morrow　of

evilif　a　morrow　at　all。　Real　life　is　a　life　of　anguish；　its　image　is

in　that　nettle　growing　there　at　the　foot　of　the　wall；no　sun　can

reach　it　and　it　keeps　green。　Yet；　here；　as　in　parts　of　the　North；

there　are　smiles　in　the　sky；　few　to　be　sure；　but　they　compensate　for

many　a　grief。　Moreover；　women　who　are　naturally　mothers　live　and　love

far　more　through　sacrifices　than　through　pleasures。　Here　I　draw　upon

myself　the　storms　I　fear　may　break　upon　my　children　or　my　people；　and

in　doing　so　I　feel　a　something　I　cannot　explain；　which　gives　me　secret

courage。　The　resignation　of　the　night　carries　me　through　the　day　that

follows。　God　does　not　leave　me　comfortless。　Time　was　when　the

condition　of　my　children　filled　me　with　despair；　to…day　as　they

advance　in　life　they　grow　healthier　and　stronger。　And　then；　after　all；

our　home　is　improved　and　beautified；　our　means　are　improving　also。　Who

knows　but　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　old　age　may　be　a　blessing　to　me？　Ah；

believe　me！　those　who　stand　before　the　Great　Judge　with　palms　in　their

hands；　leading　comforted　to　Him　the　beings　who　cursed　their　lives；

they；　they　have　turned　their　sorrows　into　joy。　If　my　sufferings　bring

about　the　happiness　of　my　family；　are　they　sufferings　at　all？〃



〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃they　are；　but　they　were　necessary；　as　mine　have　been；

to　make　us　understand　the　true　flavor　of　the　fruit　that　has　ripened　on

our　rocks。　Now；　surely；　we　shall　taste　it　together；　surely　we　may

admire　its　wonders；　the　sweetness　of　affection　it　has　poured　into　our

souls；　that　inward　sap　which　revives　the　searing　leavesGood　God！　do

you　not　understand　me？〃　I　cried；　falling　into　the　mystical　language　to

which　our　religious　training　had　accustomed　us。　〃See　the　paths　by

which　we　have　approached　each　other；　what　magnet　led　us　through　that

ocean　of　bitterness　to　these　springs　of　running　water；　flowing　at　the

foot　of　those　hills　above　the　shining　sands　and　between　their　green

and　flowery　meadows？　Have　we　not　followed　the　same　star？　We　stand

before　the　cradle　of　a　divine　child　whose　joyous　carol　will　renew　the

world　for　us；　teach　us　through　happiness　a　love　of　life；　give　to　our

nights　their　long…lost　sleep；　and　to　the　days　their　gladness。　What

hand　is　this　that　year　by　year　has　tied　new　cords　between　us？　Are　we

not　more　than　brother　and　sister？　That　which　heaven　has　joined　we　must

not　keep　asunder。　The　sufferings　you　reveal　are　the　seeds　scattered　by

the　sower　for　the　harvest　already　ripening　in　the　sunshine。　Shall　we

not　gather　it　sheaf　by　sheaf？　What　strength　is　in　me　that　I　dare

address　you　thus！　Answer；　or　I　will　never　again　recross　that　river！〃



〃You　have　spared　me　the　word　LOVE；〃　she　said；　in　a　stern　voice；　〃but

you　have　spoken　of　a　sentiment　of　which　I　know　nothing　and　which　is

not　permitted　to　me。　You　are　a　child；　and　again　I　pardon　you；　but　for

the　last　time。　Endeavor　to　understand；　Monsieur；　that　my　heart　is；　as

it　were；　intoxicated　with　motherhood。　I　love　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf

neither　from　social　duty　nor　from　a　calculated　desire　to　win　eternal

blessings；　but　from　an　irresistible　feeling　which　fastens　all　the

fibres　of　my　heart　upon　him。　Was　my　marriage　a　mistake？　My　sympathy

for　misfortune　led　to　it。　It　is　the　part　of　women　to　heal　the　woes

caused　by　the　march　of　events；　to　comfort　those　who　rush　into　the

breach　and　return　wounded。　How　shall　I　make　you　understand　me？　I　have

felt　a　selfish　pleasure　in　seeing　that　you　amused　him；　is　not　that

pure　motherhood？　Did　I　not　make　you　see　by　what　I　owned　just　now；　the

THREE　children　to　whom　I　am　bound；　to　whom　I　shall　never　fail；　on　whom

I　strive　to　shed　a　healing　dew　and　the　light　of　my　own　soul　without

withdrawing　or　adulterating　a　single　particle？　Do　not　embitter　the

mother's　milk！　though　as　a　wife　I　am　invulnerable；　you　must