no magic 。 。 。”
I could see what he saw； and I knew that he was right。 If the world was the sane place it was supposed to
be； Jacob and I would have been together。 And we would have been happy。 He was my soul mate in that
world — would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger；
something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world。
Was it out there for Jacob； too？ Something that would trump a soul mate？ I had to believe that it was。
Two futures； two soul mates 。 。 。 too much for any one person。 And so unfair that I wouldn’t be the only
one to pay for it。 Jacob’s pain seemed too high a price。 Cringing at the thought of that price； I wondered if I
would have wavered； if I hadn’t lost Edward once。 If I didn’t know what it was like to live without him。 I
wasn’t sure。 That knowledge was so deep a part of me； I couldn’t imagine how I would feel without it。
“He’s like a drug for you； Bella。” His voice was still gentle； not at all critical。 “I see that you can’t live
without him now。 It’s too late。 But I would have been healthier for you。 Not a drug； I would have been the air；
the sun。”
The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half…smile。 “I used to think of you that way； you know。 Like
the sun。 My personal sun。 You balanced out the clouds nicely for me。”
He sighed。 “The clouds I can handle。 But I can’t fight with an eclipse。”
I touched his face； laying my hand against his cheek。 He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes。 It was
very quiet。 For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart； slow and even。
“Tell me the worst part for you；” he whispered。
“I think that might be a bad idea。”
“Please。”
“I think it will hurt。”
“Please。”
How could I deny him anything at this point？
“The worst part 。 。 。” I hesitated； and then let words spill out in a flood of truth。 “The worst part is that I
saw the whole thing — our whole life。 And I want it bad； Jake； I want it all。 I want to stay right here and never
move。 I want to love you and make you happy。 And I can’t； and it’s killing me。 It’s like Sam and Emily； Jake
— I never had a choice。 I always knew nothing would change。 Maybe that’s why I was fighting against you so
hard。”
He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly。
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you that。”
He shook his head slowly。 “No。 I’m glad you did。 Thank you。” He kissed the top of my head； and then he
sighed。 “I’ll be good now。”
I looked up； and he was smiling。
“So you’re going to get married； huh？”
“We don’t have to talk about that。”
“I’d like to know some of the details。 I don’t know when I’ll talk to you again。”
I had to wait for a minute before I could speak。 When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn’t break； I
answered his question。
“It’s not really my idea 。 。 。 but； yes。 It means a lot to him。 I figure； why not？”
Jake nodded。 “That’s true。 It’s not such a big thing — in comparison。”
His voice was very calm； very practical。 I stared at him； curious about how he was managing； and that
ruined it。 He met my eyes for a second； and then twisted his head away。 I waited to speak until his breathing
was under control。
“Yes。 In comparison；” I agreed。
“How long do you have left？”
“That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together。” I suppressed a groan； imagining
what Alice would do。
“Before or after？” he asked quietly。
I knew what he meant。 “After。”
He nodded。 This was a relief to him。 I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation
had given him。
“Are you scared？” he whispered。
“Yes；” I whispered back。
“What are you afraid of？” I could barely hear his voice now。 He stared down at my hands。
“Lots of things。” I worked to make my voice lighter； but I stayed honest。 “I’ve never been much of a
masochist； so I’m not looking forward to the pain。 And I wish there was some way to keep him away — I
don’t want him to suffer with me； but I don’t think there’s any way around it。 There’s dealing with Charlie；
too； and Renée。 。 。 。 And then afterward； I hope I’ll be able to control myself soon。 Maybe I’ll be such a
menace that the pack will have to take me out。”
He looked up with a disapproving expression。 “I’d hamstring any one of my brothers who tried。”
“Thanks。”
He smiled halfheartedly。 Then he frowned。 “But isn’t it more dangerous than that？ In all of the stories； they
say it’s too hard 。 。 。 they lose control 。 。 。 people die。 。 。 。” He gulped。
“No； I’m not afraid of that。 Silly Jacob — don’t you know better than to believe vampire stories？”
He obviously didn’t appreciate my attempt at humor。
“Well； anyway； lots to worry about。 But worth it； in the end。”
He nodded unwillingly； and I knew that he in no way agreed with me。
I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear； laying my cheek against his warm skin。 “You know I love
you。”
“I know；” he breathed； his arm tightening automatically around my waist。 “You know how much I wish it
was enough。”
“Yes。”
“I’ll always be waiting in the wings； Bella；” he promised； lightening his tone and loosening his arm。 I pulled
away with a dull； dragging sense of loss； feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind； there on the
bed next to him。 “You’ll always have that spare option if you want it。”
I made an effort to smile。 “Until my heart stops beating。”
He grinned back。 “You know； I think maybe I’d still take you — maybe。 I guess that depends on how
much you stink。”
“Should I come back to see you？ Or would you rather I didn’t？”
“I’ll think it through and get back to you；” he said。 “I might need the company to keep from going crazy。
The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can’t phase until he gives the okay — it might mess up the way the
bones are set。” Jacob made a face。
“Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do。 You’ll get well faster。”
“Sure； sure。”
“I wonder when it will happen；” I said。 “When the right girl is going to catch your eye。”
“Don’t get your hopes up； Bella。” Jacob’s voice was abruptly sour。 “Though I’m sure it would be a relief
for you。”
“Maybe； maybe not。 I probably won’t think she’s good enough for you。 I wonder how jealous I’ll be。”
“That part might be kind of fun；” he admitted。
“Let me know if you want me to come back； and I’ll be here；” I promised。
With a sigh； he turned his cheek toward me。
I leaned in and kissed his face softly。 “Love you； Jacob。”
He laughed lightly。 “Love you more。”
He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes。
27。 NEEDS
I DIDN’T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSsible。
When I couldn’t see anymore； I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop。 I slumped
over on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me。 It was worse that I’d thought
— the force of it took me by surprise。 Yes； I had been right to hide this from Jacob。 No one should ever see
this。
But I wasn’t alone for very long — just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here； and then the few
minutes it took him to arrive。 The door creaked open； and he pulled me into his arms。
At first it was worse。 Because there was that smaller part of me — smaller； but getting louder and angrier
every minute； screaming at the rest of me — that craved a different set of arms。 So then there was fresh guilt
to season the pain。
He didn’t say anything； he just let me sob until I began to blubber out Charlie’s name。
“Are you really ready to go home？” he asked doubtfully。
I managed to convey； after several attempts； that it wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon。 I needed
to get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy。
So he drove me home — for once not even getting close to my truck’s internal speed limit — keeping one
arm wrapped tightly around me。 The whole way； I fought for control。 It seemed to be a doomed effort at first；
but I didn’t give up。 Just a few seconds； I told myself。 Just time for a few excuses； or a few lies； and then I
could break down again。 I had to be able to do that much。 I scrambled around in my head； searching
desperately for a reserve of strength。
There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs — hold them back but not end them。 The tears didn’t
slow。 I couldn’t seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those。
“Wait for me upstairs；” I mumbled when we were in front of the house。
He hugged me closer for one minute； and then he was gone。
Once inside； I headed straight for the stairs。
“Bella？” Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by。
I turned to look at him without speaking。 His eyes bugged wide； and he lurched to his feet。
“What happened？ Is Jacob 。 。 。 ？” he demanded。
I shook my head furiously； trying to find my voice。 “He’s fine； he’s fine；” I promised； my voice low and
husky。 And Jacob was fine； physically； which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment。
“But what happened？” He grabbed my shoulders； his eyes still anxious and wide。 “What happened to
you？”
I must look worse than I’d imagined。
“Nothing； Dad。 I 。 。 。 just had to talk to Jacob about 。 。 。 some things that were hard。 I’m fine。”
The anxiety calmed； and was replaced by disapproval。
“Was this really the best time？” he asked。
“Probably not； Dad； but I didn’t have any alternatives — it just got to the point where I had to choose。 。 。
。 Sometimes； there isn’t any way to compromise。”
He shook his head slowly。 “How did he handle it？”
I didn’t answer。
He looked at my face for a minute； and then nodded。 Tha