“When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose。 It’s not usually this difficult to control。 I
can smother the 。 。 。 less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time。 Sometimes I think
she sees through me； but I can’t be sure。”
“I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose； she might not choose you。”
Edward didn’t answer right away。 “That was a part of it；” he finally admitted。 “But only a small part。 We
all have our moments of doubt。 Mostly I was worried that she’d hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you。
After I’d accepted that she was more or less safe with you — as safe as Bella ever is — it seemed best to
stop driving her to extremes。”
Jacob sighed。 “I’d tell her all of this； but she’d never believe me。”
“I know。” It sounded like Edward was smiling。
“You think you know everything；” Jacob muttered。
“I don’t know the future；” Edward said； his voice suddenly unsure。
There was a long pause。
“What would you do if she changed her mind？” Jacob asked。
“I don’t know that either。”
Jacob chuckled quietly。 “Would you try to kill me？” Sarcastic again； as if doubting Edward’s ability to do
it。
“No。”
“Why not？” Jacob’s tone was still jeering。
“Do you really think I would hurt her that way？”
Jacob hesitated for a second； and then sighed。 “Yeah； you’re right。 I know that’s right。 But sometimes 。 。
。”
“Sometimes it’s an intriguing idea。”
Jacob pressed his face into the sleeping bag to muffle his laugher。 “Exactly；” he eventually agreed。
What a strange dream this was。 I wondered if it was the relentless wind that made me imagine all the
whispering。 Only the wind was screaming rather than whispering 。 。 。
“What is it like？ Losing her？” Jacob asked after a quiet moment； and there was no hint of humor in his
suddenly hoarse voice。 “When you thought that you’d lost her forever？ How did you 。 。 。 cope？”
“That’s very difficult for me to talk about。”
Jacob waited。
“There were two different times that I thought that。” Edward spoke each word just a little slower than
normal。 “The first time； when I thought I could leave her 。 。 。 that was 。 。 。 almost bearable。 Because I thought
she would forget me and it would be like I hadn’t touched her life。 For over six months I was able to stay
away； to keep my promise that I wouldn’t interfere again。 It was getting close — I was fighting but I knew I
wasn’t going to win； I would have come back 。 。 。 just to check on her。 That’s what I would have told myself；
anyway。 And if I’d found her reasonably happy 。 。 。 I like to think that I could have gone away again。
“But she wasn’t happy。 And I would have stayed。 That’s how she convinced me to stay with her
tomorrow； of course。 You were wondering about that before； what could possibly motivate me 。 。 。 what she
was feeling so needlessly guilty about。 She reminded me of what it did to her when I left — what it still does to
her when I leave。 She feels horrible about bringing that up； but she’s right。 I’ll never be able to make up for
that； but I’ll never stop trying anyway。”
Jacob didn’t respond for a moment； listening to the storm or digesting what he’d heard； I didn’t know
which。
“And the other time — when you thought she was dead？” Jacob whispered roughly。
“Yes。” Edward answered a different question。 “It will probably feel like that to you； won’t it？ The way you
perceive us； you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore。 But that’s who she’ll be。”
“That’s not what I asked。”
Edward’s voice came back fast and hard。 “I can’t tell you how it felt。 There aren’t words。”
Jacob’s arms flexed around me。
“But you left because you didn’t want to make her a bloodsucker。 You want her to be human。”
Edward spoke slowly。 “Jacob； from the second that I realized that I loved her； I knew there were only
four possibilities。 The first alternative； the best one for Bella； would be if she didn’t feel as strongly for me — if
she got over me and moved on。 I would accept that； though it would never change the way I felt。 You think of
me as a 。 。 。 living stone — hard and cold。 That’s true。 We are set the way we are； and it is very rare for us to
experience a real change。 When that happens； as when Bella entered my life； it is a permanent change。 There’s
no going back。 。 。 。
“The second alternative； the one I’d originally chosen； was to stay with her throughout her human life。 It
wasn’t a good option for her； to waste her life with someone who couldn’t be human with her； but it was the
alternative I could most easily face。 Knowing all along that； when she died； I would find a way to die； too。
Sixty years； seventy years — it would seem like a very； very short time to me。 。 。 。 But then it proved much
too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world。 It seemed like everything that could go
wrong did。 Or hung over us 。 。 。 waiting to go wrong。 I was terrified that I wouldn’t get those sixty years if I
stayed near her while she was human。
“So I chose option three。 Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life； as you know。 I
chose to take myself out of her world； hoping to force her into the first alternative。 It didn’t work； and it very
nearly killed us both。
“What do I have left but the fourth option？ It’s what she wants — at least； she thinks she does。 I’ve been
trying to delay her； to give her time to find a reason to change her mind； but she’s very 。 。 。 stubborn。 You
know that。 I’ll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months。 She has a horror of getting older； and her
birthday is in September。 。 。 。”
“I like option one；” Jacob muttered。
Edward didn’t respond。
“You know exactly how much I hate to accept this；” Jacob whispered slowly； “but I can see that you do
love her 。 。 。 in your way。 I can’t argue with that anymore。
“Given that； I don’t think you should give up on the first alternative； not yet。 I think there’s a very good
chance that she would be okay。 After time。 You know； if she hadn’t jumped off a cliff in March 。 。 。 and if
you’d waited another six months to check on her。 。 。 。 Well； you might have found her reasonably happy。 I had
a game plan。”
Edward chuckled。 “Maybe it would have worked。 It was a well thought…out plan。”
“Yeah。” Jake sighed。 “But 。 。 。 ；” suddenly he was whispering so fast the words got tangled； “give me a
year； bl — Edward。 I really think I could make her happy。 She’s stubborn； no one knows that better than I
do； but she’s capable of healing。 She would have healed before。 And she could be human； with Charlie and
Renée； and she could grow up； and have kids and 。 。 。 be Bella。
“You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan。 She thinks you’re very unselfish 。 。
。 are you really？ Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are？”
“I have considered it；” Edward answered quietly。 “In some ways； you would be better suited for her than
another human。 Bella takes some looking after； and you’re strong enough that you could protect her from
herself； and from everything that conspires against her。 You have done that already； and I’ll owe you for that
for as long as I live — forever — whichever comes first。 。 。 。
“I even asked Alice if she could see that — see if Bella would be better off with you。 She couldn’t； of
course。 She can’t see you； and then Bella’s sure of her course； for now。
“But I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before； Jacob。 I won’t try to force her into
that first option again。 As long as she wants me； I’m here。”
“And if she were to decide that she wanted me？” Jacob challenged。 “Okay； it’s a long shot； I’ll give you
that。”
“I would let her go。”
“Just like that？”
“In the sense that I’d never show her how hard it was for me； yes。 But I would keep watch。 You see；
Jacob； you might leave her someday。 Like Sam and Emily； you wouldn’t have a choice。 I would always be
waiting in the wings； hoping for that to happen。”
Jacob snorted quietly。 “Well； you’ve been much more honest than I had any right to expect 。 。 。 Edward。
Thanks for letting me in your head。”
“As I said； I’m feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight。 It was the least I could do。 。 。 。
You know； Jacob； if it weren’t for the fact that we’re natural enemies and that you’re also trying to steal away
the reason for my existence； I might actually like you。”
“Maybe 。 。 。 if you weren’t a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love 。 。 。
well； no； not even then。”
Edward chuckled。
“Can I ask you something？” Edward said after a moment。
“Why would you have to ask？”
“I can only hear if you think of it。 It’s just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other
day。 Something about a third wife 。 。 。 ？”
“What about it？”
Edward didn’t answer； listening to the story in Jacob’s head。 I heard his low hiss in the darkness。
“What？” Jacob demanded again。
“Of course；” Edward seethed。 “Of course！ I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves；
Jacob。”
“You don’t like the leeches being painted as the bad guys？” Jacob mocked。 “You know； they are。 Then
and now。”
“I really couldn’t care less about that part。 Can’t you guess which character Bella would identify with？”
It took Jacob a minute。 “Oh。 Ugh。 The third wife。 Okay； I see your point。”
“She wants to be there in the clearing。 To do what little she can； as she puts it。” He sighed。 “That was the
secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow。 She’s quite inventive when she wants something。”
“You know； your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did。”
“Neither side meant any harm；” Edward whispered