room to fetch a glass of orange…flower water。 〃I have many wrongs to
repent of towards you； I wished to fill you with despair when I ought
to have received you mercifully。 Dear； you are kindness itself； and I
alone can appreciate it。 Yes； I know there is a kindness prompted by
passion。 Men have various ways of being kind； some from contempt；
others from impulse； from calculation； through indolence of nature；
but you； my friend； you have been absolutely kind。〃
〃If that be so；〃 I replied； 〃remember that all that is good or great
in me comes through you。 You know well that I am of your making。〃
〃That word is enough for any woman's happiness；〃 she said； as the
count re…entered the room。 〃I feel better；〃 she said； rising； 〃I want
air。〃
We went down to the terrace； fragrant with the acacias which were
still in bloom。 She had taken my right arm； and pressed it against her
heart； thus expressing her sad thoughts； but they were； she said； of a
sadness dear to her。 No doubt she would gladly have been alone with
me； but her imagination； inexpert in women's wiles； did not suggest to
her any way of sending her children and the count back to the house。
We therefore talked on indifferent subjects； while she pondered a
means of pouring a few last thoughts from her heart to mine。
〃It is a long time since I have driven out；〃 she said； looking at the
beauty of the evening。 〃Monsieur； will you please order the carriage
that I may take a turn？〃
She knew that after evening prayer she could not speak with me； for
the count was sure to want his backgammon。 She might have returned to
the warm and fragrant terrace after her husband had gone to bed； but
she feared； perhaps； to trust herself beneath those shadows； or to
walk by the balustrade where our eyes could see the course of the
Indre through the dear valley。 As the silent and sombre vaults of a
cathedral lift the soul to prayer； so leafy ways； lighted by the moon；
perfumed with penetrating odors； alive with the murmuring noises of
the spring…tide； stir the fibres and weaken the resolves of those who
love。 The country calms the old； but excites the young。 We knew it
well。 Two strokes of the bell announced the hour of prayer。 The
countess shivered。
〃Dear Henriette； are you ill？〃
〃There is no Henriette；〃 she said。 〃Do not bring her back。 She was
capricious and exacting； now you have a friend whose courage has been
strengthened by the words which heaven itself dictated to you。 We will
talk of this later。 We must be punctual at prayers； for it is my day
to lead them。〃
As Madame de Mortsauf said the words in which she begged the help of
God through all the adversities of life； a tone came into her voice
which struck all present。 Did she use her gift of second sight to
foresee the terrible emotion she was about to endure through my
forgetfulness of an engagement made with Arabella？
〃We have time to make three kings before the horses are harnessed；〃
said the count； dragging me back to the salon。 〃You can go and drive
with my wife； and I'll go to bed。〃
The game was stormy； like all others。 The countess heard the count's
voice either from her room or from Madeleine's。
〃You show a strange hospitality；〃 she said； re…entering the salon。
I looked at her with amazement； I could not get accustomed to the
change in her； formerly she would have been most careful not to
protect me against the count； then it gladdened her that I should
share her sufferings and bear them with patience for love of her。
〃I would give my life；〃 I whispered in her ear； 〃if I could hear you
say again； as you once said； 'Poor dear； poor dear！'〃
She lowered her eyes； remembering the moment to which I alluded； yet
her glance turned to me beneath her eyelids； expressing the joy of a
woman who finds the mere passing tones from her heart preferred to the
delights of another love。 The count was losing the game； he said he
was tired； as an excuse to give it up； and we went to walk on the lawn
while waiting for the carriage。 When the count left us； such pleasure
shone on my face that Madame de Mortsauf questioned me by a look of
surprise and curiosity。
〃Henriette does exist；〃 I said。 〃You love me still。 You wound me with
an evident intention to break my heart。 I may yet be happy！〃
〃There was but a fragment of that poor woman left； and you have now
destroyed even that；〃 she said。 〃God be praised； he gives me strength
to bear my righteous martyrdom。 Yes； I still love you； and I might
have erred； the English woman shows me the abyss。〃
We got into the carriage and the coachman asked for orders。
〃Take the road to Chinon by the avenue； and come back by the
Charlemagne moor and the road to Sache。〃
〃What day is it？〃 I asked； with too much eagerness。
〃Saturday。〃
〃Then don't go that way； madame； the road will be crowded with
poultry…men and their carts returning from Tours。〃
〃Do as I told you；〃 she said to the coachman。 We knew the tones of our
voices too well to be able to hide from each other our least emotion。
Henriette understood all。
〃You did not think of the poultry…men when you appointed this
evening；〃 she said with a tinge of irony。 〃Lady Dudley is at Tours；
and she is coming here to meet you； do not deny it。 'What day is
it？the poultry…mentheir carts！' Did you ever take notice of such
things in our old drives？〃
〃It only shows that at Clochegourde I forget everything；〃 I answered；
simply。
〃She is coming to meet you？〃
〃Yes。〃
〃At what hour？〃
〃Half…past eleven。〃
〃Where？〃
〃On the moor。〃
〃Do not deceive me； is it not at the walnut…tree？〃
〃On the moor。〃
〃We will go there；〃 she said； 〃and I shall see her。〃
When I heard these words I regarded my future life as settled。 I at
once resolved to marry Lady Dudley and put an end to the miserable
struggle which threatened to exhaust my sensibilities and destroy by
these repeated shocks the delicate delights which had hitherto
resembled the flower of fruits。 My sullen silence wounded the
countess； the grandeur of whose mind I misjudged。
〃Do not be angry with me；〃 she said； in her golden voice。 〃This； dear；
is my punishment。 You can never be loved as you are here；〃 she
continued； laying my hand upon her heart。 〃I now confess it； but Lady
Dudley has saved me。 To her the stains；I do not envy them；to me
the glorious love of angels！ I have traversed vast tracts of thought
since you returned here。 I have judged life。 Lift up the soul and you
rend it； the higher we go the less sympathy we meet； instead of
suffering in the valley； we suffer in the skies； as the soaring eagle
bears in his heart the arrow of some common herdsman。 I comprehend at
last that earth and heaven are incompatible。 Yes； to those who would
live in the celestial sphere God must be all in all。 We must love our
friends as we love our children；for them； not for ourselves。 Self is
the cause of misery and grief。 My soul is capable of soaring higher
than the eagle； there is a love which cannot fail me。 But to live for
this earthly life is too debasing；here the selfishness of the senses
reigns supreme over the spirituality of the angel that is within us。
The pleasures of passion are stormy； followed by enervating anxieties
which impair the vigor of the soul。 I came to the shores of the sea
where such tempests rage； I have seen them too near； they have wrapped
me in their clouds； the billows did not break at my feet； they caught
me in a rough embrace which chilled my heart。 No！ I must escape to
higher regions； I should perish on the shores of this vast sea。 I see
in you； as in all others who have grieved me； the guardian of my
virtue。 My life has been mingled with anguish； fortunately
proportioned to my strength； it has thus been kept free from evil
passions； from seductive peace； and ever near to God。 Our attachment
was the mistaken attempt； the innocent effort of two children striving
to satisfy their own hearts； God； and menfolly； Felix！ Ah；〃 she said
quickly； 〃what does that woman call you？〃
〃'Amedee；'〃 I answered； 〃'Felix' is a being apart； who belongs to none
but you。〃
〃'Henriette' is slow to die；〃 she said； with a gentle smile； 〃but die
she will at the first effort of the humble Christian； the self…
respecting mother； she whose virtue tottered yesterday and is firm
to…day。 What may I say to you？ This。 My life has been； and is；
consistent with itself in all its circumstances； great and small。 The
heart to which the rootlets of my first affection should have clung；
my mother's heart； was closed to me； in spite of my persistence in
seeking a cleft through which they might have slipped。 I was a girl； I
came after the death of three boys； and I vainly strove to take their
place in the hearts of my parents； the wound I gave to the family
pride was never healed。 When my gloomy childhood was over and I knew
my aunt； death took her from me all too soon。 Monsieur de Mortsauf； to
whom I vowed myself； has repeatedly； nay without respite； smitten me；
not being himself aware of it； poor man！ His love has the simple…
minded egotism our children show to us。 He has no conception of the
harm he does me； and he is heartily forgiven for it。 My children；
those dear children who are bound to my flesh through their
sufferings； to my soul by their characters； to my nature by their
innocent happiness；those children were surely given to show me how
much strength and patience a mother's breast contains。 Yes； my
children are my virtues。 You know how my heart has been harrowed for
them； by them； in spite of them。 To be a mother was； for me； to buy
the right to suffer。 When Hagar cried in the desert an angel came and
opened a spring of living water for that poor slave； but I； when the
limpid stream to which （do you remember？） you tried to guide me flowed
past Clochegourde； its waters changed to bitterness for me。 Yes； the
sufferings you have inflicted on my soul are terrible。 God； no doubt；
will pardon those who know affection only through its pains。 But if
the keenest of these pains has come to me through you； perhaps I
deserved them。 God is not unjust。 Ah； yes； Felix； a kiss furtively
taken may be a crime。 Perhaps it is just that a woman should harshly
expiate t