hand。
〃Suppose we play a game of backgammon？〃 I said。 〃Let us go back； the
rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells。〃
We returned to Clochegourde； conversing by fits and starts。 Once in
the salon an indefinable uncertainty and dread took possession of us。
The count flung himself into an armchair； absorbed in reverie； which
his wife； who knew the symptoms of his malady and could foresee an
outbreak； was careful not to interrupt。 I also kept silence。 As she
gave me no hint to leave； perhaps she thought backgammon might divert
the count's mind and quiet those fatal nervous susceptibilities； the
excitements of which were killing him。 Nothing was ever harder than to
make him play that game； which； however； he had a great desire to
play。 Like a pretty woman； he always required to be coaxed； entreated；
forced； so that he might not seem the obliged person。 If by chance；
being interested in the conversation； I forgot to propose it； he grew
sulky； bitter； insulting； and spoiled the talk by contradicting
everything。 If； warned by his ill…humor； I suggested a game； he would
dally and demur。 〃In the first place； it is too late；〃 he would say；
〃besides； I don't care for it。〃 Then followed a series of affectations
like those of women； which often leave you in ignorance of their real
wishes。
On this occasion I pretended a wild gaiety to induce him to play。 He
complained of giddiness which hindered him from calculating； his
brain； he said； was squeezed into a vice； he heard noises； he was
choking； and thereupon he sighed heavily。 At last； however； he
consented to the game。 Madame de Mortsauf left us to put the children
to bed and lead the household in family prayers。 All went well during
her absence； I allowed Monsieur de Mortsauf to win； and his delight
seemed to put him beside himself。 This sudden change from a gloom that
led him to make the darkest predictions to the wild joy of a drunken
man； expressed in a crazy laugh and without any adequate motive；
distressed and alarmed me。 I had never seen him in quite so marked a
paroxysm。 Our intimacy had borne fruits in the fact that he no longer
restrained himself before me。 Day by day he had endeavored to bring me
under his tyranny； and obtain fresh food； as it were； for his evil
temper； for it really seems as though moral diseases were creatures
with appetites and instincts； seeking to enlarge the boundaries of
their empire as a landowner seeks to increase his domain。
Presently the countess came down； and sat close to the backgammon
table； apparently for better light on her embroidery； though the
anxiety which led her to place her frame was ill…concealed。 A piece of
fatal ill…luck which I could not prevent changed the count's face；
from gaiety it fell to gloom； from purple it became yellow； and his
eyes rolled。 Then followed worse ill…luck； which I could neither avert
nor repair。 Monsieur de Mortsauf made a fatal throw which decided the
game。 Instantly he sprang up； flung the table at me and the lamp on
the floor； struck the chimney…piece with his fist and jumped； for I
cannot say he walked； about the room。 The torrent of insults；
imprecations； and incoherent words which rushed from his lips would
have made an observer think of the old tales of satanic possession in
the Middle Ages。 Imagine my position！
〃Go into the garden；〃 said the countess； pressing my hand。
I left the room before the count could notice my disappearance。 On the
terrace； where I slowly walked about； I heard his shouts and then his
moans from the bedroom which adjoined the dining…room。 Also I heard at
intervals through that tempest of sound the voice of an angel； which
rose like the song of a nightingale as the rain ceases。 I walked about
under the acacias in the loveliest night of the month of August；
waiting for the countess to join me。 I knew she would come； her
gesture promised it。 For several days an explanation seemed to float
between us； a word would suffice to send it gushing from the spring；
overfull； in our souls。 What timidity had thus far delayed a perfect
understanding between us？ Perhaps she loved； as I did； these
quiverings of the spirit which resembled emotions of fear and numbed
the sensibilities while we held our life unuttered within us；
hesitating to unveil its secrets with the modesty of the young girl
before the husband she loves。 An hour passed。 I was sitting on the
brick balustrade when the sound of her footsteps blending with the
undulating ripple of her flowing gown stirred the calm air of the
night。 These are sensations to which the heart suffices not。
〃Monsieur de Mortsauf is sleeping；〃 she said。 〃When he is thus I give
him an infusion of poppies； a cup of water in which a few poppies have
been steeped； the attacks are so infrequent that this simple remedy
never loses its effectMonsieur；〃 she continued； changing her tone
and using the most persuasive inflexion of her voice； 〃this most
unfortunate accident has revealed to you a secret which has hitherto
been sedulously kept； promise me to bury the recollection of that
scene。 Do this for my sake； I beg of you。 I don't ask you to swear it；
give me your word of honor and I shall be content。〃
〃Need I give it to you？〃 I said。 〃Do we not understand each other？〃
〃You must not judge unfavorably of Monsieur de Mortsauf； you see the
effects of his many sufferings under the emigration；〃 she went on。
〃To…morrow he will entirely forget all that he has said and done； you
will find him kind and excellent as ever。〃
〃Do not seek to excuse him； madame；〃 I replied。 〃I will do all you
wish。 I would fling myself into the Indre at this moment if I could
restore Monsieur de Mortsauf's health and ensure you a happy life。 The
only thing I cannot change is my opinion。 I can give you my life； but
not my convictions； I can pay no heed to what he says； but can I
hinder him from saying it？ No； in my opinion Monsieur de Mortsauf
is〃
〃I understand you；〃 she said； hastily interrupting me； 〃you are right。
The count is as nervous as a fashionable woman；〃 she added； as if to
conceal the idea of madness by softening the word。 〃But he is only so
at intervals； once a year； when the weather is very hot。 Ah； what
evils have resulted from the emigration！ How many fine lives ruined！
He would have been； I am sure of it； a great soldier； an honor to his
country〃
〃I know；〃 I said； interrupting in my turn to let her see that it was
useless to attempt to deceive me。
She stopped； laid one hand lightly on my brow； and looked at me。 〃Who
has sent you here；〃 she said； 〃into this home？ Has God sent me help； a
true friendship to support me？〃 She paused； then added； as she laid
her hand firmly upon mine； 〃For you are good and generous〃 She
raised her eyes to heaven； as if to invoke some invisible testimony to
confirm her thought； and then let them rest upon me。 Electrified by
the look； which cast a soul into my soul； I was guilty； judging by
social laws； of a want of tact； though in certain natures such
indelicacy really means a brave desire to meet danger； to avert a
blow； to arrest an evil before it happens； oftener still； an abrupt
call upon a heart； a blow given to learn if it resounds in unison with
ours。 Many thoughts rose like gleams within my mind and bade me wash
out the stain that blotted my conscience at this moment when I was
seeking a complete understanding。
〃Before we say more；〃 I said in a voice shaken by the throbbings of my
heart； which could be heard in the deep silence that surrounded us；
〃suffer me to purify one memory of the past。〃
〃Hush！〃 she said quickly； touching my lips with a finger which she
instantly removed。 She looked at me haughtily； with the glance of a
woman who knows herself too exalted for insult to reach her。 〃Be
silent； I know of what you are about to speak；the first； the last；
the only outrage ever offered to me。 Never speak to me of that ball。
If as a Christian I have forgiven you； as a woman I still suffer from
your act。〃
〃You are more pitiless than God himself；〃 I said； forcing back the
tears that came into my eyes。
〃I ought to be so； I am more feeble；〃 she replied。
〃But；〃 I continued with the persistence of a child； 〃listen to me now
if only for the first； the last； the only time in your life。〃
〃Speak； then；〃 she said； 〃speak； or you will think I dare not hear
you。〃
Feeling that this was the turning moment of our lives； I spoke to her
in the tone that commands attention； I told her that all women whom I
had ever seen were nothing to me； but when I met her； I； whose life
was studious； whose nature was not bold； I had been； as it were；
possessed by a frenzy that no one who once felt it could condemn； that
never heart of man had been so filled with the passion which no being
can resist； which conquers all things； even death
〃And contempt？〃 she asked； stopping me。
〃Did you despise me？〃 I exclaimed。
〃Let us say no more on this subject；〃 she replied。
〃No； let me say all！〃 I replied； in the excitement of my intolerable
pain。 〃It concerns my life； my whole being； my inward self； it
contains a secret you must know or I must die in despair。 It also
concerns you； who； unawares； are the lady in whose hand is the crown
promised to the victor in the tournament！〃
Then I related to her my childhood and youth； not as I have told it to
you； judged from a distance； but in the language of a young man whose
wounds are still bleeding。 My voice was like the axe of a woodsman in
the forest。 At every word the dead years fell with echoing sound；
bristling with their anguish like branches robbed of their foliage。 I
described to her in feverish language many cruel details which I have
here spared you。 I spread before her the treasure of my radiant hopes；
the virgin gold of my desires； the whole of a burning heart kept alive
beneath the snow of these Alps； piled higher and higher by perpetual
winter。 When； bowed down by the weight of these remembered sufferings；
related as with the live coal of Isaiah； I awaited the reply of the
woman who listened with a bowed head； she illumined the darkness with
a look； she quickened the worlds terrestrial and divine with a single
sentence。
〃We have had