It was the first walk we had ever taken together； except that
very short one to the usual place of meeting。 We spoke of Richard
and Ada the whole way。 I did not thank him； in words； for what he
had done—my appreciation of it had risen above all words then—
but I hoped he might not be without some understanding of what I
felt so strongly。
Arriving at home and going upstairs； we found that my
Guardian was out； and that Mrs Woodcourt was out too。 We were
in the very same room into which I had brought my blushing girl；
when her youthful lover； now her so altered husband； was the
choice of her young heart； the very same room； from which my
Guardian and I watched them going away through the sunlight； in
the fresh bloom of their hope and promise。
We were standing by the opened window； looking down into the
street； when Mr Woodcourt spoke to me。 I learned in a moment
that he loved me。 I learned in a moment that my scarred face was
all unchanged to him。 I learned in a moment that what I had
thought was pity and compassion； was devoted； generous； faithful
love。 O； too late to know it now； too late； too late。 That was the first
ungrateful thought I had。 Too late。
“When I returned；” he told me； “when I came back； no richer
than I went away； and found you nearly risen from a sick bed； yet
so inspired by sweet consideration for others； and so free from a
selfish thought—”
“O； Mr Woodcourt； forbear； forbear！” I entreated him。 “I do not
deserve your high praise。 I had many selfish thoughts at that time；
many！”
“Heaven knows； beloved of my life；” said he； “that my praise is
not a lover’s praise； but the truth。 You do not know what all
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around you see in Esther Summerson； how many hearts she
touches and awakens； what sacred admiration and what love she
wins。”
“O； Mr Woodcourt；” cried I； “it is a great thing to win love； it is
a great thing to win love！ I am proud of it； and honoured by it； and
the hearing of it causes me to shed these tears of mingled joy and
sorrow—joy that I have won it； sorrow that I have not deserved it
better； but I am not free to think of yours。”
I said it with a stronger heart； for when he praised me thus； and
when I heard his voice thrill with his belief that what he said was
true； I aspired to be more worthy of it。 It was not too late for that。
Although I close this unforeseen page in my life tonight； I could be
worthier of it all through my life。 And it was a comfort to me； and
an impulse to me； and I felt a dignity rise up within me that was
derived from him； when I thought so。
He broke the silence。
“I should poorly show the trust that I have in the dear one who
will evermore be as dear to me as now；” and the deep earnestness
with which he said it； at once strengthened me and made me
weep； “if； after her assurance that she is not free to think of my
love； I urged it。 Dear Esther； let me only tell you that the fond idea
of you which I took abroad； was exalted to the Heavens when I
came home。 I have always hoped； in the first hour when I seemed
to stand in any ray of good fortune； to tell you this。 I have always
feared that I should tell it you in vain。 My hopes and fears are both
fulfilled tonight。 I distress you。 I have said enough。”
Something seemed to pass into my place that was like the Angel
he thought me； and I felt so sorrowful for the loss he had
sustained！ I wished to help him in his trouble； as I had wished to
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do when he showed that first commiseration for me。
“Dear Mr Woodcourt；” said I； “before we part tonight；
something is left for me to say。 I never could say it as I wish—I
never shall—but—”
I had to think again of being more deserving of his love； and his
affliction； before I could go on。
“—I am deeply sensible of your generosity； and I shall treasure
its remembrance to my dying hour。 I know full well how changed I
am； I know you are not acquainted with my history； and I know
what a noble love that is which is so faithful。 What you have said to
me； could have affected me so much from no other lips； for there
are none that could give it such a value to me。 It shall not be lost。 It
shall make me better。”
He covered his eyes with his hand； and turned away his head。
How could I ever be worthy of those tears？
“If； in the unchanged intercourse we shall have together—in
tending Richard and Ada； and I hope in many happier scenes of
life—you ever find anything in me which you can honestly think is
better than it used to be； believe that it will have sprung up from
tonight； and that I shall owe it to you。 And never believe； dear dear
Mr Woodcourt； never believe； that I forget this night； or that while
my heart beats； it can be insensible to the pride and joy of having
been beloved by you。”
He took my hand and kissed it。 He was like himself again； and I
felt still more encouraged。
“I am induced； by what you said just now；” said I； “to hope that
you have succeeded in your endeavour？”
“I have；” he answered。 “With such help from Mr Jarndyce； as
you who know him so well can imagine him to have rendered me； I
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have succeeded。”
“Heaven bless him for it；” said I； giving him my hand； “and
Heaven bless you in all you do！”
“I shall do it better for the wish；” he answered； “it will make me
enter on these new duties； as on another sacred trust from you。”
“Ah！ Richard！” I exclaimed involuntarily； “what will he do
when you are gone！”
“I am not required to go yet； I would not desert him； dear Miss
Summerson； even if I were。”
One other thing I felt it needful to touch upon； before he left
me。 I knew that I should not be worthier of the love I could not
take； if I reserved it。
“Mr Woodcourt；” said I； “you will be glad to know from my lips
before I say Good night； that in the future； which is clear and
bright before me； I am most happy； most fortunate； have nothing
to regret or to desire。”
It was indeed a glad hearing to him； he replied。
“From my childhood I have been；” said I； “the object of the
untiring goodness of the best of human beings； to whom I am so
bound by every tie of attachment； gratitude； and love； that nothing
I could do in the compass of a life could express the feelings of a
single day。”
“I share those feelings；” he returned； “You speak of Mr
Jarndyce。”
“You know his virtues well；” said I； “but few can know the
greatness of his character as I know it。 All its highest and best
qualities have been revealed to me in nothing more brightly； than
in the shaping out of that future in which I am so happy。 And if
your highest homage and respect had not been his already；—
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which I know they are；—they would have been his； I think； on this
assurance； and in the feeling it would have awakened in you
towards him for my sake。”
He fervently replied； that indeed indeed they would have been。
I gave him my hand again。
“Good night；” I said； “Good…bye。”
“The first； until we meet tomorrow： the second； as a farewell to
this theme between us for ever？”
“Yes。”
“Good night； good…bye！”
He left me； and I stood at the dark window watching the street。
His love； in all its constancy and generosity； had come so suddenly
upon me； that he had not left me a minute when my fortitude gave
way again； and the street was blotted out by my rushing tears。
But they were not tears of regret and sorrow。 No。 He had called
me the beloved of his life； and had said I would be evermore as
dear to him as I was then； and I felt as if my heart would not hold
the triumph of having heard those words。 My first wild thought
had died away。 It was not too late to hear them； for it was not too
late to be animated by them to be good； true； grateful； and
contented。 How easy my path； how much easier than his！
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Chapter 62
Another Discovery
had not the courage to see any one that night。 I had not even
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