madness； and I tell you I can’t help it now； and can’t be sane。 But
it is no such thing； it is the one object I have to pursue。 It is a pity I
ever was prevailed upon to turn out of my road for any other。 It
would be wisdom to abandon it now； after all the time； anxiety and
pains I have bestowed upon it！ O yes； true wisdom。 It would be
very agreeable； too； to some people； but I never will。”
He was in that mood in which I thought it best not to increase
his determination （if anything could increase it） by opposing him。 I
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took out Ada’s letter and put it in his hand。
“Am I to read it now？” he asked。
As I told him yes； he laid it on the table； and； resting his head
upon his hand； began。 He had not read far； when he rested his
head upon his two hands—to hide his face from me。 In a little
while he rose as if the light were bad； and went to the window。 He
finished reading it there； with his back towards me； and； after he
had finished and had folded it up； stood there for some minutes
with the letter in his hand。 When he came back to his chair； I saw
tears in his eyes。
“Of course； Esther； you know what she says here？” He spoke in
a softened voice； and kissed the letter as he asked me。
“Yes； Richard。”
“Offers me；” he went on； tapping his foot upon the floor； “the
little inheritance she is certain of so soon—just as little and as
much as I have wasted—and begs and prays me to take it； set
myself right with it； and remain in the service。”
“I know your welfare to be the dearest wish of her heart；” said
I。 “And O； my dear Richard； Ada’s is a noble heart！”
“I am sure it is。 I—I wish I was dead！”
He went back to the window； and laying his arm across it；
leaned his head down on his arm。 It greatly affected me to see him
so； but I hoped he might become more yielding； and I remained
silent。 My experience was very limited； I was not at all prepared
for his rousing himself out of this emotion to a new sense of injury。
“And this is the heart that the same John Jarndyce； who is not
otherwise to be mentioned between us； stepped in to estrange
from me；” said he； indignantly。 “And the dear girl makes me this
generous offer from under the same John Jarndyce’s roof； and
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Bleak House 854
with the same John Jarndyce’s gracious consent and connivance； I
dare say； as a new means of buying me off。”
“Richard！” I cried out； rising hastily； “I will not hear you say
such shameful words！” I was very angry with him； indeed； for the
first time in my life； but it only lasted a moment。 When I saw his
worn young face looking at me； as if he were sorry； I put my hand
on his shoulder； and said； “If you please； my dear Richard； do not
speak in such a tone to me。 Consider！”
He blamed himself exceedingly； and told me in the most
generous manner； that he had been very wrong； and that he
begged my pardon a thousand times。 At that I laughed； but
trembled a little too； for I was rather fluttered after being so fiery。
“To accept this offer； my dear Esther；” said he； sitting down
beside me； and resuming our conversation；—“once more； pray；
pray forgive me； I am deeply grieved—to accept my dearest
cousin’s offer is； I need not say； impossible。 Besides； I have letters
and papers that I could show you； which would convince you it is
all over here。 I have done with the red coat； believe me。 But it is
some satisfaction； in the midst of my troubles and perplexities； to
know that I am pressing Ada’s interests in pressing my own。
Vholes has his shoulder to the wheel； and he cannot help urging it
on as much for her as for me； thank God！”
His sanguine hopes were rising within him； and lighting up his
features； but they made his face more sad to me than it had been
before。
“No； no！” cried Richard； exultingly。 “If every farthing of Ada’s
little fortune were mine； no part of it should be spent in retaining
me in what I am not fit for； can take no interest in； and am weary
of。 It should be devoted to what promises a better return； and
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should be used where she has a larger stake。 Don’t be uneasy for
me！ I shall now have only one thing on my mind； and Vholes and I
will work it。 I shall not be without means。 Free of my commission；
I shall be able to compound with some small usurers； who will
hear of nothing but their bond now—Vholes says so。 I should have
a balance in my favour any way； but that will swell it。 Come； come！
You shall carry a letter to Ada from me； Esther； and you must both
of you be more hopeful of me； and not believe that I am quite cast
away just yet； my dear。”
I will not repeat what I said to Richard。 I know it was tiresome；
and nobody is to suppose for a moment that it was at all wise。 It
only came from my heart。 He heard it patiently and feelingly； but I
saw that on the two subjects he had reserved； it was at present
hopeless to make any representation to him。 I saw； too； and had
experienced in this very interview； the sense of my Guardian’s
remark； that it was even more mischievous to use persuasion with
him than to leave him as he was。
Therefore I was driven at last to asking Richard if he would
mind convincing me that it really was all over there； as he had
said； and that it was not his mere impression。 He showed me
without hesitation a correspondence making it quite plain that his
retirement was arranged。 I found； from what he told me； that Mr
Vholes had copies of these papers； and had been in consultation
with him throughout。 Beyond ascertaining this； and having been
the bearer of Ada’s letter； and being （as I was going to be）
Richard’s companion back to London； I had done no good by
coming down。 Admitting this to myself with a reluctant heart； I
said I would return to the hotel and wait until he joined me there；
so he threw a cloak over his shoulders and saw me to the gate； and
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Charley and I went back along the beach。
There was a concourse of people in one spot； surrounding some
naval officers who were landing from a boat； and pressing about
them with unusual interest。 I said to Charley this would be one of
the great Indiaman’s boats now； and we stopped to look。
The gentlemen came slowly up from the waterside； speaking
good…humouredly to each other and to the people around； and
glancing about them as if they were glad to be in England again。
“Charley； Charley！” said I； “come away！” and I hurried on so
swiftly that my little maid was surprised。
It was not until we were shut up in our cabin…room； and I had
had time to take breath； that I began to think why I had made such
haste。 In one of the sunburnt faces I had recognised Mr Allan
Woodcourt； and I had been afraid of his recognizing me。 I had
been unwilling that he should see my altered looks。 I had been
taken by surprise； and my courage had quite failed me。
But I knew this would not do； and I now said to myself； “My
dear； there is no reason—there is and there can be no reason at
all—why it should be worse for you now； than it ever has been。
What you were last month； you are today； you are no worse； you
are no better。 This is not your resolution； call it up； Esther； call it
up！” I was in a great tremble—with running—and at first was
quite unable to calm myself； but I got better； and I was very glad to
know it。
The party came to the hotel。 I heard them speaking on the
staircase。 I was sure it was the same gentlemen because I knew
their voices again—I mean I knew Mr Woodcourt’s。 It would still
have been a great relief to me to have gone away without making
myself known； but I was determined not to do so。 “No； my dear；
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no。 No； no； no！”
I untied my bonnet； and put my veil half up—I think I mean
half down； but it matters very l
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