legislature。
So you see there never was a bad James in the Sunday…school books that
had such a streak of luck as this sinful Jim with the charmed life。
THE STORY OF THE GOOD LITTLE BOY＇Witten about 1865＇
Once there was a good little boy by the name of Jacob Blivens。 He always
obeyed his parents； no matter how absurd and unreasonable their demands
were； and he always learned his book； and never was late at Sabbath…
school。 He would not play hookey； even when his sober judgment told him
it was the most profitable thing he could do。 None of the other boys
could ever make that boy out； he acted so strangely。 He wouldn't lie； no
matter how convenient it was。 He just said it was wrong to lie； and that
was sufficient for him。 And he was so honest that he was simply
ridiculous。 The curious ways that that Jacob had； surpassed everything。
He wouldn't play marbles on Sunday； he wouldn't rob birds' nests； he
wouldn't give hot pennies to organ…grinders' monkeys； he didn't seem to
take any interest in any kind of rational amusement。 So the other boys
used to try to reason it out and come to an understanding of him； but
they couldn't arrive at any satisfactory conclusion。 As I said before；
they could only figure out a sort of vague idea that he was 〃afflicted；〃
and so they took him under their protection； and never allowed any harm
to come to him。
This good little boy read all the Sunday…school books； they were his
greatest delight。 This was the whole secret of it。 He believed in the
gold little boys they put in the Sunday…school book； he had every
confidence in them。 He longed to come across one of them alive once；
but he never did。 They all died before his time； maybe。 Whenever he
read about a particularly good one he turned over quickly to the end to
see what became of him； because he wanted to travel thousands of miles
and gaze on him； but it wasn't any use； that good little boy always died
in the last chapter； and there was a picture of the funeral； with all his
relations and the Sunday…school children standing around the grave in
pantaloons that were too short； and bonnets that were too large； and
everybody crying into handkerchiefs that had as much as a yard and a half
of stuff in them。 He was always headed off in this way。 He never could
see one of those good little boys on account of his always dying in the
last chapter。
Jacob had a noble ambition to be put in a Sunday school book。 He wanted
to be put in； with pictures representing him gloriously declining to lie
to his mother； and her weeping for joy about it； and pictures
representing him standing on the doorstep giving a penny to a poor
beggar…woman with six children； and telling her to spend it freely； but
not to be extravagant； because extravagance is a sin； and pictures of him
magnanimously refusing to tell on the bad boy who always lay in wait for
him around the corner as he came from school； and welted him so over the
head with a lath； and then chased him home； saying； 〃Hi！ hi！〃 as he
proceeded。 That was the ambition of young Jacob Blivens。 He wished to
be put in a Sunday…school book。 It made him feel a lithe uncomfortable
sometimes when he reflected that the good little boys always died。 He
loved to live； you know； and this was the most unpleasant feature about
being a Sunday…school…boo boy。 He knew it was not healthy to be good。
He knew it was more fatal than consumption to be so supernaturally good
as the boys in the books were he knew that none of them had ever been
able to stand it long； and it pained him to think that if they put him in
a book he wouldn't ever see it； or even if they did get the book out
before he died it wouldn't be popular without any picture of his funeral
in the back part of it。 It couldn't be much of a Sunday…school book that
couldn't tell about the advice he gave to the community when he was
dying。 So at last； of course； he had to make up his mind to do the best
he could under the circumstancesto live right； and hang on as long as
he could and have his dying speech all ready when his time came。
But somehow nothing ever went right with the good little boy； nothing
ever turned out with him the way it turned out with the good little boys
in the books。 They always had a good time； and the bad boys had the
broken legs； but in his case there was a screw loose somewhere； and it
all happened just the other way。 When he found Jim Blake stealing
apples； and went under the tree to read to him about the bad little boy
who fell out of a neighbor's apple tree and broke his arm； Jim fell out
of the tree； too； but he fell on him and broke his arm； and Jim wasn't
hurt at all。 Jacob couldn't understand that。 There wasn't anything in
the books like it。
And once； when some bad boys pushed a blind man over in the mud； and
Jacob ran to help him up and receive his blessing； the blind man did not
give him any blessing at all； but whacked him over the head with his
stick and said he would like to catch him shoving him again； and then
pretending to help him up。 This was not in accordance with any of the
books。 Jacob looked them all over to see。
One thing that Jacob wanted to do was to find a lame dog that hadn't any
place to stay； and was hungry and persecuted； and bring him home and pet
him and have that dog's imperishable gratitude。 And at last he found one
and was happy； and he brought him home and fed him； but when he was going
to pet him the dog flew at him and tore all the clothes off him except
those that were in front； and made a spectacle of him that was
astonishing。 He examined authorities； but he could not understand the
matter。 It was of the same breed of dogs that was in the books； but it
acted very differently。 Whatever this boy did he got into trouble。 The
very things the boys in the books got rewarded for turned out to be about
the most unprofitable things he could invest in。
Once； when he was on his way to Sunday…school； he saw some bad boys
starting off pleasuring in a sailboat。 He was filled with consternation；
because he knew from his reading that boys who went sailing on Sunday
invariably got drowned。 So he ran out on a raft to warn them； but a log
turned with him and slid him into the river。 A man got him out pretty
soon； and the doctor pumped the water out of him； and gave him a fresh
start with his bellows； but he caught cold and lay sick abed nine weeks。
But the most unaccountable thing about it was that the bad boys in the
boat had a good time all day； and then reached home alive and well in the
most surprising manner。 Jacob Blivens said there was nothing like these
things in the books。 He was perfectly dumfounded。
When he got well he was a little discouraged； but he resolved to keep on
trying anyhow。 He knew that so far his experiences wouldn't do to go in
a book； but he hadn't yet reached the allotted term of life for good
little boys； and he hoped to be able to make a record yet if he could
hold on till his time was fully up。 If everything else failed he had his
dying speech to fall back on。
He examined his authorities； and found that it was now time for him to go
to sea as a cabin…boy。 He called on a ship…captain and made his
application； and when the captain asked for his recommendations he
proudly drew out a tract and pointed to the word； 〃To Jacob Blivens； from
his affectionate teacher。〃 But the captain was a coarse； vulgar man； and
he said； 〃Oh； that be blowed！ that wasn't any proof that he knew how to
wash dishes or handle a slush…bucket； and he guessed he didn't want him。〃
This was altogether the most extraordinary thing that ever happened to
Jacob in all his life。 A compliment from a teacher； on a tract； had
never failed to move the tenderest emotions of ship…captains； and open
the way to all offices of honor and profit in their gift it never had in
any book that ever he had read。 He could hardly believe his senses。
This boy always had a hard time of it。 Nothing ever came out according
to the authorities with him。 At last； one day； when he was around
hunting up bad little boys to admonish； he found a lot of them in the old
iron…foundry fixing up a little joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs； which
they had tied together in long procession； and were going to ornament
with empty nitroglycerin cans made fast to their tails。 Jacob's heart
was touched。 He sat down on one of those cans （for he never minded
grease when duty was before him）； and he took hold of the foremost dog by
the collar； and turned his reproving eye upon wicked Tom Jones。 But just
at that moment Alderman McWelter； full of wrath； stepped in。 All the bad
boys ran away； but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and began
one of those stately little Sunday…school…book speeches which always
commence with 〃Oh； sir！〃 in dead opposition to the fact that no boy； good
or bad； ever starts a remark with 〃Oh； sir。〃 But the alderman never
waited to hear the rest。 He took Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned him
around； and hit him a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand； and in
an instant that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away
toward the sun with the fragments of those fifteen dogs stringing after
him like the tail of a kite。 And there wasn't a sign of that alderman or
that old iron…foundry left on the face of the earth； and； as for young
Jacob Blivens； he never got a chance to make his last dying speech after
all his trouble fixing it up； unless he made it to the birds； because；
although the bulk of him came down all right in a tree…top in an
adjoining county； the rest of him was apportioned around among four
townships； and so they had to hold five inquests on him to find out
whether he was dead or not； and how it occurred。 You never saw a boy
scattered so。＇This glycerin catastrophe is borrowed from a floating
newspaper item； whose author's name I would give if I knew it。M。 T。＇
Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he could； but didn't
come out according to the books。 Every boy who ever did as he did
prospered except him。 His case is truly remarkable。 It will probably
never be accounted for。
A COUPLE OF POEMS