the first word； the middle； dotting his i's； crossing his t's； and
punching his period； he knew he was concocting a sentence that was
saturated with infamy and reeking with falsehood。〃Exchange。
I was told by the physician that a Southern climate would improve my
health； and so I went down to Tennessee； and got a berth on the Morning
Glory and Johnson County War…Whoop as associate editor。 When I went on
duty I found the chief editor sitting tilted back in a three…legged chair
with his feet on a pine table。 There was another pine table in the room
and another afflicted chair； and both were half buried under newspapers
and scraps and sheets of manuscript。 There was a wooden box of sand；
sprinkled with cigar stubs and 〃old soldiers；〃 and a stove with a door
hanging by its upper hinge。 The chief editor had a long…tailed black
cloth frock…coat on； and white linen pants。 His boots were small and
neatly blacked。 He wore a ruffled shirt； a large seal…ring； a standing
collar of obsolete pattern； and a checkered neckerchief with the ends
hanging down。 Date of costume about 1848。 He was smoking a cigar； and
trying to think of a word； and in pawing his hair he had rumpled his
locks a good deal。 He was scowling fearfully； and I judged that he was
concocting a particularly knotty editorial。 He told me to take the
exchanges and skim through them and write up the 〃Spirit of the Tennessee
Press；〃 condensing into the article all of their contents that seemed of
interest。
I wrote as follows：
SPIRIT OF THE TENNESSEE PRESS
The editors of the Semi…Weekly Earthquake evidently labor under a
misapprehension with regard to the Dallyhack railroad。 It is not
the object of the company to leave Buzzardville off to one side。
On the contrary； they consider it one of the most important points
along the line； and consequently can have no desire to slight it。
The gentlemen of the Earthquake will； of course； take pleasure in
making the correction。
John W。 Blossom； Esq。； the able editor of the Higginsville
Thunderbolt and Battle Cry of Freedom； arrived in the city
yesterday。 He is stopping at the Van Buren House。
We observe that our contemporary of the Mud Springs Morning Howl has
fallen into the error of supposing that the election of Van Werter
is not an established fact； but he will have discovered his mistake
before this reminder reaches him； no doubt。 He was doubtless misled
by incomplete election returns。
It is pleasant to note that the city of Blathersville is endeavoring
to contract with some New York gentlemen to pave its well…nigh
impassable streets with the Nicholson pavement。 The Daily Hurrah
urges the measure with ability； and seems confident of ultimate
success。
I passed my manuscript over to the chief editor for acceptance；
alteration； or destruction。 He glanced at it and his face clouded。 He
ran his eye down the pages； and his countenance grew portentous。 It was
easy to see that something was wrong。 Presently he sprang up and said：
〃Thunder and lightning！ Do you suppose I am going to speak of those
cattle that way？ Do you suppose my subscribers are going to stand such
gruel as that？ Give me the pen！〃
I never saw a pen scrape and scratch its way sc viciously； or plow
through another man's verbs and adjectives so relentlessly。 While he was
in the midst of his work； somebody shot at him through the open window；
and marred the symmetry of my ear。
〃Ah；〃 said he； 〃that is that scoundrel Smith； of the Moral Volcanohe
was due yesterday。〃 And he snatched a navy revolver from his belt and
firedSmith dropped； shot in the thigh。 The shot spoiled Smith's aim；
who was just taking a second chance and he crippled a stranger。 It was
me。 Merely a finger shot off。
Then the chief editor went on with his erasure； and interlineations。
Just as he finished them a hand grenade came down the stove…pipe； and the
explosion shivered the stove into a thousand fragments。 However； it did
no further damage； except that a vagrant piece knocked a couple of my
teeth out。
〃That stove is utterly ruined；〃 said the chief editor。
I said I believed it was。
〃Well； no matterdon't want it this kind of weather。 I know the man
that did it。 I'll get him。 Now； here is the way this stuff ought to be
written。〃
I took the manuscript。 It was scarred with erasures and interlineations
till its mother wouldn't have known it if it had had one。 It now read as
follows：
SPIRIT OF THE TENNESSEE PRESS
The inveterate liars of the Semi…Weekly Earthquake are evidently
endeavoring to palm off upon a noble and chivalrous people another
of their vile and brutal falsehoods with regard to that most
glorious conception of the nineteenth century； the Ballyhack
railroad。 The idea that Buzzardville was to be left off at one side
originated in their own fulsome brainsor rather in the settlings
which they regard as brains。 They had better； swallow this lie if
they want to save their abandoned reptile carcasses the cowhiding
they so richly deserve。
That ass； Blossom； of the Higginsville Thunderbolt and Battle Cry of
Freedom； is down here again sponging at the Van Buren。
We observe that the besotted blackguard of the Mud Springs Morning
Howl is giving out； with his usual propensity for lying； that Van
Werter is not elected。 The heaven…born mission of journalism is to
disseminate truth； to eradicate error； to educate； refine； and
elevate the tone of public morals and manners； and make all men more
gentle； more virtuous； more charitable； and in all ways better； and
holier； and happier； and yet this blackhearted scoundrel degrades
his great office persistently to the dissemination of falsehood；
calumny； vituperation； and vulgarity。
Blathersville wants a Nicholson pavementit wants a jail and a
poorhouse more。 The idea of a pavement in a one…horse town composed
of two gin…mills； a blacksmith shop； and that mustard…plaster of a
newspaper； the Daily Hurrah！ The crawling insect； Buckner； who
edits the Hurrah； is braying about his business with his customary
imbecility； and imagining that he is talking sense。
〃Now that is the way to writepeppery and to the point。 Mush…and…milk
journalism gives me the fan…tods。〃
About this time a brick came through the window with a splintering crash；
and gave me a considerable of a jolt in the back。 I moved out of range
I began to feel in the way。
The chief said； 〃That was the Colonel； likely。 I've been expecting him
for two days。 He will be up now right away。〃
He was correct。 The Colonel appeared in the door a moment afterward with
a dragoon revolver in his hand。
He said； 〃Sir； have I the honor of addressing the poltroon who edits this
mangy sheet？〃
〃You have。 Be seated； sir。 Be careful of the chair； one of its legs is
gone。 I believe I have the honor of addressing the putrid liar； Colonel
Blatherskite Tecumseh？〃
〃Right； Sir。 I have a little account to settle with you。 If you are at
leisure we will begin。〃
〃I have an article on the 'Encouraging Progress of Moral and Intellectual
Development in America' to finish； but there is no hurry。 Begin。〃
Both pistols rang out their fierce clamor at the same instant。 The chief
lost a lock of his hair； and the Colonel's bullet ended its career in the
fleshy part of my thigh。 The Colonel's left shoulder was clipped a
little。 They fired again。 Both missed their men this time； but I got my
share； a shot in the arm。 At the third fire both gentlemen were wounded
slightly； and I had a knuckle chipped。 I then said； I believed I would
go out and take a walk； as this was a private matter； and I had a
delicacy about participating in it further。 But both gentlemen begged me
to keep my seat； and assured me that I was not in the way。
They then talked about the elections and the crops while they reloaded；
and I fell to tying up my wounds。 But presently they opened fire again
with animation； and every shot took effectbut it is proper to remark
that five out of the six fell to my share。 The sixth one mortally
wounded the Colonel； who remarked； with fine humor； that he would have to
say good morning now； as he had business uptown。 He then inquired the
way to the undertaker's and left。
The chief turned to me and said； 〃I am expecting company to dinner； and
shall have to get ready。 It will be a favor to me if you will read proof
and attend to the customers。〃
I winced a little at the idea of attending to the customers； but I was
too bewildered by the fusillade that was still ringing in my ears to
think of anything to say。
He continued； 〃Jones will be here at threecowhide him。 Gillespie will
call earlier； perhapsthrow him out of the window。 Ferguson will be
along about fourkill him。 That is all for today； I believe。 If you
have any odd time； you may write a blistering article on the policegive
the chief inspector rats。 The cowhides are under the table； weapons in
the drawerammunition there in the cornerlint and bandages up there in
the pigeonholes。 In case of accident； go to Lancet； the surgeon； down…
stairs。 He advertiseswe take it out in trade。〃
He was gone。 I shuddered。 At the end of the next three hours I had been
through perils so awful that all peace of mind and all cheerfulness were
gone from me。 Gillespie had called and thrown me out of the window。
Jones arrived promptly； and when I got ready to do the cowhiding he took
the job off my hands。 In an encounter with a stranger； not in the bill
of fare； I had lost my scalp。 Another stranger； by the name of Thompson；
left me a mere wreck and ruin of chaotic rags。 And at last； at bay in
the corner； and beset by an infuriated mob of editors； blacklegs；
politicians； and desperadoes； who raved and swore and flourished their
weapons about my head till the air shimmered with glancing flashes of
steel； I was in the act of resigning my berth on the paper when the chief
arrived；