sketches new and old- 第11部分

The　relic　said：

〃An'　is　it　mesilf；　Dennis　Hooligan；　that　ye'd　be　takon'　for　a　dirty
Injin；　ye　drawlin'；　lantern…jawed；　spider…legged　divil！　　By　the　piper
that　played　before　Moses；　I'll　ate　ye！〃

I　went　away　from　there。

By　and　by；　in　the　neighborhood　of　the　Terrapin　Tower；　I　came　upon　a
gentle　daughter　of　the　aborigines　in　fringed　and　beaded　buckskin
moccasins　and　leggins；　seated　on　a　bench　with　her　pretty　wares　about　her。
She　had　just　carved　out　a　wooden　chief　that　had　a　strong　family
resemblance　to　a　clothes…pin；　and　was　now　boring　a　hole　through　his
abdomen　to　put　his　bow　through。　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　and　then　addressed
her：

〃Is　the　heart　of　the　forest　maiden　heavy？　　Is　the　Laughing　Tadpole
lonely？　　Does　she　mourn　over　the　extinguished　council…fires　of　her　race；
and　the　vanished　glory　of　her　ancestors？　　Or　does　her　sad　spirit　wander
afar　toward　the　hunting…grounds　whither　her　brave　Gobbler…of…the…
Lightnings　is　gone？　　Why　is　my　daughter　silent？　　Has　she　ought　against
the　paleface　stranger？〃

The　maiden　said：

〃Faix；　an'　is　it　Biddy　Malone　ye　dare　to　be　callin'　names？　　Lave　this；　or
I'll　shy　your　lean　carcass　over　the　cataract；　ye　sniveling　blaggard！〃

I　adjourned　from　there　also。

〃Confound　these　Indians！〃　I　said。　　〃They　told　me　they　were　tame；　but；　if
appearances　go　for　anything；　I　should　say　they　were　all　on　the　warpath。〃

I　made　one　more　attempt　to　fraternize　with　them；　and　only　one。　　I　came
upon　a　camp　of　them　gathered　in　the　shade　of　a　great　tree；　making　wampum
and　moccasins；　and　addressed　them　in　the　language　of　friendship：

〃Noble　Red　Men；　Braves；　Grand　Sachems；　War　Chiefs；　Squaws；　and　High　Muck…
a…Mucks；　the　paleface　from　the　land　of　the　setting　sun　greets　you！　You；
Beneficent　Polecatyou；　Devourer　of　Mountainsyou；　Roaring　Thundergust
you；　Bully　Boy　with　a　Glass　eyethe　paleface　from　beyond　the　great
waters　greets　you　all！　War　and　pestilence　have　thinned　your　ranks　and
destroyed　your　once　proud　nation。　　Poker　and　seven…up；　and　a　vain　modern
expense　for　soap；　unknown　to　your　glorious　ancestors；　have　depleted　your
purses。　　Appropriating；　in　your　simplicity；　the　property　of　others　has
gotten　you　into　trouble。　　Misrepresenting　facts；　in　your　simple
innocence；　has　damaged　your　reputation　with　the　soulless　usurper。
Trading　for　forty…rod　whisky；　to　enable　you　to　get　drunk　and　happy　and
tomahawk　your　families；　has　played　the　everlasting　mischief　with　the
picturesque　pomp　of　your　dress；　and　here　you　are；　in　the　broad　light　of
the　nineteenth　century；　gotten　up　like　the　ragtag　and　bobtail　of　the
purlieus　of　New　York。　　For　shame！　　Remember　your　ancestors！　　Recall　their
mighty　deeds！　　Remember　Uncas！and　Red　jacket！　and　Hole　in　the　Day！
and　Whoopdedoodledo！　　Emulate　their　achievements！　　Unfurl　yourselves
under　my　banner；　noble　savages；　illustrious　guttersnipes〃

〃Down　wid　him！〃　　〃Scoop　the　blaggard！〃　　〃Burn　him！〃　　〃Bang　him！〃
〃Dhround　him！〃

It　was　the　quickest　operation　that　ever　was。　　I　simply　saw　a　sudden　flash
in　the　air　of　clubs；　brickbats；　fists；　bead…baskets；　and　moccasinsa
single　flash；　and　they　all　appeared　to　hit　me　at　once；　and　no　two　of　them
in　the　same　place。　　In　the　next　instant　the　entire　tribe　was　upon　me。
They　tore　half　the　clothes　off　me；　they　broke　my　arms　and　legs；　they　gave
me　a　thump　that　dented　the　top　of　my　head　till　it　would　hold　coffee　like
a　saucer；　and；　to　crown　their　disgraceful　proceedings　and　add　insult　to
injury；　they　threw　me　over　the　Niagara　Falls；　and　I　got　wet。

About　ninety　or　a　hundred　feet　from　the　top；　the　remains　of　my　vest
caught　on　a　projecting　rock；　and　I　was　almost　drowned　before　I　could　get
loose。　　I　finally　fell；　and　brought　up　in　a　world　of　white　foam　at　the
foot　of　the　Fall；　whose　celled　and　bubbly　masses　towered　up　several
inches　above　my　head。　　Of　course　I　got　into　the　eddy。　　I　sailed　round　and
round　in　it　forty…four　timeschasing　a　chip　and　gaining　on　iteach
round　trip　a　half…milereaching　for　the　same　bush　on　the　bank　forty…four
times；　and　just　exactly　missing　it　by　a　hair's…breadth　every　time。

At　last　a　man　walked　down　and　sat　down　close　to　that　bush；　and　put　a　pipe
in　his　mouth；　and　lit　a　match；　and　followed　me　with　one　eye　and　kept　the
other　on　the　match；　while　he　sheltered　it　in　his　hands　from　the　wind。
Presently　a　puff　of　wind　blew　it　out。　　The　next　time　I　swept　around　he
said：

〃Got　a　match？〃

〃Yes；　in　my　other　vest。　　Help　me　out；　please。〃

〃Not　for　Joe。〃

When　I　came　round　again；　I　said：

〃Excuse　the　seemingly　impertinent　curiosity　of　a　drowning　man；　but　will
you　explain　this　singular　conduct　of　yours？〃

〃With　pleasure。　　I　am　the　coroner。　　Don't　hurry　on　my　account。　　I　can
wait　for　you。　　But　I　wish　I　had　a　match。〃

I　said：　〃Take　my　place；　and　I'll　go　and　get　you　one。〃

He　declined。　　This　lack　of　confidence　on　his　part　created　a　coldness
between　us；　and　from　that　time　forward　I　avoided　him。　　It　was　my　idea；
in　case　anything　happened　to　me；　to　so　time　the　occurrence　as　to　throw　my
custom　into　the　hands　of　the　opposition　coroner　on　the　American　side。

At　last　a　policeman　came　along；　and　arrested　me　for　disturbing　the　peace
by　yelling　at　people　on　shore　for　help。　　The　judge　fined　me；　but　had　the
advantage　of　him。　　My　money　was　with　my　pantaloons；　and　my　pantaloons
were　with　the　Indians。

Thus　I　escaped。　　I　am　now　lying　in　a　very　critical　condition。　　At　least　I
am　lying　anyway…critical　or　not　critical。　　I　am　hurt　all　over；　but　I
cannot　tell　the　full　extent　yet；　because　the　doctor　is　not　done　taking
inventory。　　He　will　make　out　my　manifest　this　evening。　　However；　thus　far
he　thinks　only　sixteen　of　my　wounds　are　fatal。　　I　don't　mind　the　others。

Upon　regaining　my　right　mind；　I　said：

〃It　is　an　awful　savage　tribe　of　Indians　that　do　the　beadwork　and
moccasins　for　Niagara　Falls；　doctor。　　Where　are　they　from？〃

〃Limerick；　my　son。〃






ANSWERS　TO　CORRESPONDENTS　＇Written　about　1865。＇

〃MORAL　STATISTICIAN。〃I　don't　want　any　of　your　statistics；　I　took　your
whole　batch　and　lit　my　pipe　with　it。　　I　hate　your　kind　of　people。　　You
are　always　ciphering　out　how　much　a　man's　health　is　injured；　and　how　much
his　intellect　is　impaired；　and　how　many　pitiful　dollars　and　cents　he
wastes　in　the　course　of　ninety…two　years'　indulgence　in　the　fatal
practice　of　smoking；　and　in　the　equally　fatal　practice　of　drinking
coffee；　and　in　playing　billiards　occasionally；　and　in　taking　a　glass　of
wine　at　dinner；　etc。；　etc。；　etc。　　And　you　are　always　figuring　out　how
many　women　have　been　burned　to　death　because　of　the　dangerous　fashion　of
wearing　expansive　hoops；　etc。；　etc。；　etc。　　You　never　see　more　than　one
side　of　the　question。　　You　are　blind　to　the　fact　that　most　old　men　in
America　smoke　and　drink　coffee；　although；　according　to　your　theory；　they
ought　to　have　died　young；　and　that　hearty　old　Englishmen　drink　wine　and
survive　it；　and　portly　old　Dutchmen　both　drink　and　smoke　freely；　and　yet
grow　older　and　fatter　all　the　time。　　And　you　never　by　to　find　out　how
much　solid　comfort；　relaxation；　and　enjoyment　a　man　derives　from　smoking
in　the　course　of　a　lifetime　（which　is　worth　ten　times　the　money　he　would
save　by　letting　it　alone）；　nor　the　appalling　aggregate　of　happiness　lost
in　a　lifetime　your　kind　of　people　from　not　smoking。　　Of　course　you　can
save　money　by　denying　yourself　all　the　little　vicious　enjoyments　for
fifty　years；　but　then　what　can　you　do　with　it？　　What　use　can　you　put　it
to？　　Money　can't　save　your　infinitesimal　soul。　　All　the　use　that　money
can　be　put　to　is　to　purchase　comfort　and　enjoyment　in　this　life；
therefore；　as　you　are　an　enemy　to　comfort　and　enjoyment；　where　is　the　use
of　accumulating　cash？　　It　won't　do　for　you　say　that　you　can　use　it　to
better　purpose　in　furnishing　a　good　table；　and　in　charities；　and　in
supporting　tract　societies；　because　you　know　yourself　that　you　people　who
have　no　petty　vices　are　never　known　to　give　away　a　cent；　and　that　you
stint　yourselves　so　in　the　matter　of　food　that　you　are　always　feeble　and
hungry。　　And　you　never　dare　to　laugh　in　the　daytime　for　fear　some　poor
wretch；　seeing　you　in　a　good　humor；　will　try　to　borrow　a　dollar　of　you；
and　in　church　you　are　always　down　on　your　knees；　with　your　eyes　buried　in
the　cushion；　when　the　contribution…box　comes　around；　and　you　never　give
the　revenue　officer：　full　statement　of　your　income。　　Now　you　know　these
things　yourself；　don't　you？　　Very　well；　then　what　is　the　use　of　your
stringing　out　your　miserable　lives　to　a　lean　and　withered　old　age？　　What
is　the　use　of　your　saving　money　that　is　so　utterly　worthless　to　you？　　In
a　word；　why　don't　you　go　off　somewhere　and　die；　and　not　be　always　trying
to　seduce　people　into　becoming　as　〃ornery〃　and　unlovable　as　you　are
yourselves；　by　your　villainous　〃moral　statistics〃？　　Now　I　don't　approve
of　dissipation；　and　I　don't　indulge　in　it；　either；　but　I　haven't　a
particle　of　confidence　in　a　man　who　has　no　redeeming　petty　vices；　and　so
I　don't　want　to　hear　from　you　any　more。　　I　think　you　are　the　very　same
man　who　read　me　a　long　lecture　last　week　about　the　degrading　vice　of
smoking　cigars；　and　then　came　back；　in　my　absence；　with　your
reprehensible　fireproof　gloves　on；　and　carried　off　my　beautiful　parlor
stove。


〃YOUNG　AUTHOR。〃Yes；　Agassiz　does　recommend　authors　to　eat　fish；　because
the　phosphorus　in　it　makes　brain。　　So　far　you　are　correct。　　But　I　cannot
help　you　to　a　decision　about　the　amount　you　need　to　eatat　least；　not
with　certainty。　　If　the　specimen　composition　you　send　is　about　your　fair
usual　average；　I　should　judge　that　perhaps　a　couple　of　whales　would　be
all　you　would　want　for　the　present。　　Not　the　largest　kind；　but　simply
good；　middling…sized　whales。


〃SIMON　WHEELER；〃　Sonora。The　following　simple　and　touching　remarks　and
accompanying　poem　have　just　come　to　hand　from　the　rich　gold…mining　region
of　Sonora：

　　　　　To　Mr。　Mark　Twain：　The　within　parson；　which　I　have　set　to　poetry
　　　　　under　the　name　and　style　of　〃He　Done　His　Level　Best；〃　was　one　among
　　　　　the　whitest　men　I　ever　see；　and　it　ain't　every　man　that　knowed　him
　　　　　that　can　find　it　in　his　heart　to　say　he's　glad　the　poor　cuss　is
　　　　　busted　and　gone　home　to　the　States。　　He　was　here　in　an　early　day；
　　　　　and　he　was　the　handyest　man　about　takin'　holt　of　anything　t