sketches new and old- 第1部分

Sketches　New　and　Old

by　Mark　Twain




SKETCHES　NEW　AND　OLD

CONTENTS：

PREFACE
MY　WATCH
POLITICAL　ECONOMY
THE　JUMPING　FROG
JOURNALISM　IN　TENNESSEE
THE　STORY　OF　THE　BAD　LITTLE　BOY
THE　STORY　OF　THE　GOOD　LITTLE　BOY
A　COUPLE　OF　POEMS　BY　TWAIN　AND　MOORE
NIAGARA
ANSWERS　TO　CORRESPONDENTS
TO　RAISE　POULTRY
EXPERIENCE　OF　THE　MCWILLIAMSES　WITH　MEMBRANOUS　CROUP
MY　FIRST　LITERARY　VENTURE
HOW　THE　AUTHOR　WAS　SOLD　IN　NEWARK
THE　OFFICE　BORE
JOHNNY　GREER
THE　FACTS　IN　THE　CASE　OF　THE　GREAT　BEEF　CONTRACT
THE　CASE　OF　GEORGE　FISHER
DISGRACEFUL　PERSECUTION　OF　A　BOY
THE　JUDGES　〃SPIRITED　WOMAN〃
INFORMATION　WANTED
SOME　LEARNED　FABLES；　FOR　GOOD　OLD　BOYS　AND　GIRLS
MY　LATE　SENATORIAL　SECRETARYSHIP
A　FASHION　ITEM
RILEY…NEWSPAPER　CORRESPONDENT
A　FINE　OLD　MAN
SCIENCE　vs。　LUCK
THE　LATE　BENJAMIN　FRANKLIN
MR。　BLOKE'S　ITEM
A　MEDIEVAL　ROMANCE
PETITION　CONCERNING　COPYRIGHT
AFTER…DINNER　SPEECH
LIONIZING　MURDERERS
A　NEW　CRIME
A　CURIOUS　DREAM
A　TRUE　STORY
THE　SIAMESE　TWINS
SPEECH　AT　THE　SCOTTISH　BANQUET　IN　LONDON
A　GHOST　STORY
THE　CAPITOLINE　VENUS
SPEECH　ON　ACCIDENT　INSURANCE
JOHN　CHINAMAN　IN　NEW　YORK
HOW　I　EDITED　AN　AGRICULTURAL　PAPER
THE　PETRIFIED　MAN
MY　BLOODY　MASSACRE
THE　UNDERTAKER'S　CHAT
CONCERNING　CHAMBERMAIDS
AURELIA'S　UNFORTUNATE　YOUNG　MAN
〃AFTER〃　JENKINS
ABOUT　BARBERS
〃PARTY　CRIES〃　IN　IRELAND
THE　FACTS　CONCERNING　THE　RECENT　RESIGNATION
HISTORY　REPEATS　ITSELF
HONORED　AS　A　CURIOSITY
FIRST　INTERVIEW　WITH　ARTEMUS　WARD
CANNIBALISM　IN　THE　CARS
THE　KILLING　OF　JULIUS　CAESAR　〃LOCALIZED〃
THE　WIDOW'S　PROTEST
THE　SCRIPTURAL　PANORAMIST
CURING　A　COLD
A　CURIOUS　PLEASURE　EXCURSION
RUNNING　FOR　GOVERNOR
A　MYSTERIOUS　VISIT




PREFACE

I　have　scattered　through　this　volume　a　mass　of　matter　which　has　never
been　in　print　before　（such　as　〃Learned　Fables　for　Good　Old　Boys　and
Girls；〃　the　〃Jumping　Frog　restored　to　the　English　tongue　after　martyrdom
in　the　French；〃　the　〃Membranous　Croup〃　sketch；　and　many　others　which　I
need　not　specify）：　not　doing　this　in　order　to　make　an　advertisement　of
it；　but　because　these　things　seemed　instructive。

HARTFORD；　1875。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　MARK　TWAIN。






SKETCHES　NEW　AND　OLD




MY　WATCH＇Written　about　1870。＇

AN　INSTRUCTIVE　LITTLE　TALE

My　beautiful　new　watch　had　run　eighteen　months　without　losing　or　gaining；
and　without　breaking　any　part　of　its　machinery　or　stopping。　　I　had　come
to　believe　it　infallible　in　its　judgments　about　the　time　of　day；　and　to
consider　its　constitution　and　its　anatomy　imperishable。　　But　at　last；　one
night；　I　let　it　run　down。　　I　grieved　about　it　as　if　it　were　a　recognized
messenger　and　forerunner　of　calamity。　　But　by　and　by　I　cheered　up；　set
the　watch　by　guess；　and　commanded　my　bodings　and　superstitions　to　depart。
Next　day　I　stepped　into　the　chief　jeweler's　to　set　it　by　the　exact　time；
and　the　head　of　the　establishment　took　it　out　of　my　hand　and　proceeded　to
set　it　for　me。　　Then　he　said；　〃She　is　four　minutes　slow…regulator　wants
pushing　up。〃　　I　tried　to　stop　himtried　to　make　him　understand　that　the
watch　kept　perfect　time。　　But　no；　all　this　human　cabbage　could　see　was
that　the　watch　was　four　minutes　slow；　and　the　regulator　must　be　pushed　up
a　little；　and　so；　while　I　danced　around　him　in　anguish；　and　implored　him
to　let　the　watch　alone；　he　calmly　and　cruelly　did　the　shameful　deed。　　My
watch　began　to　gain。　　It　gained　faster　and　faster　day　by　day。　　Within　the
week　it　sickened　to　a　raging　fever；　and　its　pulse　went　up　to　a　hundred
and　fifty　in　the　shade。　　At　the　end　of　two　months　it　had　left　all　the
timepieces　of　the　town　far　in　the　rear；　and　was　a　fraction　over　thirteen
days　ahead　of　the　almanac。　　It　was　away　into　November　enjoying　the　snow；
while　the　October　leaves　were　still　turning。　　It　hurried　up　house　rent；
bills　payable；　and　such　things；　in　such　a　ruinous　way　that　I　could　not
abide　it。　　I　took　it　to　the　watchmaker　to　be　regulated。　　He　asked　me　if　I
had　ever　had　it　repaired。　　I　said　no；　it　had　never　needed　any　repairing。
He　looked　a　look　of　vicious　happiness　and　eagerly　pried　the　watch　open；
and　then　put　a　small　dice…box　into　his　eye　and　peered　into　its　machinery。
He　said　it　wanted　cleaning　and　oiling；　besides　regulatingcome　in　a
week。　　After　being　cleaned　and　oiled；　and　regulated；　my　watch　slowed　down
to　that　degree　that　it　ticked　like　a　tolling　bell。　　I　began　to　be　left　by
trains；　I　failed　all　appointments；　I　got　to　missing　my　dinner；　my　watch
strung　out　three　days'　grace　to　four　and　let　me　go　to　protest；
I　gradually　drifted　back　into　yesterday；　then　day　before；　then　into　last
week；　and　by　and　by　the　comprehension　came　upon　me　that　all　solitary　and
alone　I　was　lingering　along　in　week　before　last；　and　the　world　was　out　of
sight。　　I　seemed　to　detect　in　myself　a　sort　of　sneaking　fellow…feeling
for　the　mummy　in　the　museum；　and　a　desire　to　swap　news　with　him。　　I　went
to　a　watchmaker　again。　　He　took　the　watch　all　to　pieces　while　I　waited；
and　then　said　the　barrel　was　〃swelled。〃　　He　said　he　could　reduce　it　in
three　days。　　After　this　the　watch　averaged　well；　but　nothing　more。　　For
half　a　day　it　would　go　like　the　very　mischief；　and　keep　up　such　a　barking
and　wheezing　and　whooping　and　sneezing　and　snorting；　that　I　could　not
hear　myself　think　for　the　disturbance；　and　as　long　as　it　held　out　there
was　not　a　watch　in　the　land　that　stood　any　chance　against　it。　　But　the
rest　of　the　day　it　would　keep　on　slowing　down　and　fooling　along　until　all
the　clocks　it　had　left　behind　caught　up　again。　　So　at　last；　at　the　end　of
twenty…four　hours；　it　would　trot　up　to　the　judges'　stand　all　right　and
just　in　time。　　It　would　show　a　fair　and　square　average；　and　no　man　could
say　it　had　done　more　or　less　than　its　duty。　　But　a　correct　average　is
only　a　mild　virtue　in　a　watch；　and　I　took　this　instrument　to　another
watchmaker。　　He　said　the　king…bolt　was　broken。　　I　said　I　was　glad　it　was
nothing　more　serious。　　To　tell　the　plain　truth；　I　had　no　idea　what　the
king…bolt　was；　but　I　did　not　choose　to　appear　ignorant　to　a　stranger。
He　repaired　the　king…bolt；　but　what　the　watch　gained　in　one　way　it　lost
in　another。　　It　would　run　awhile　and　then　stop　awhile；　and　then　run
awhile　again；　and　so　on；　using　its　own　discretion　about　the　intervals。
And　every　time　it　went　off　it　kicked　back　like　a　musket。　　I　padded　my
breast　for　a　few　days；　but　finally　took　the　watch　to　another　watchmaker。
He　picked　it　all　to　pieces；　and　turned　the　ruin　over　and　over　under　his
glass；　and　then　he　said　there　appeared　to　be　something　the　matter　with
the　hair…trigger。　　He　fixed　it；　and　gave　it　a　fresh　start。　　It　did　well
now；　except　that　always　at　ten　minutes　to　ten　the　hands　would　shut
together　like　a　pair　of　scissors；　and　from　that　time　forth　they　would
travel　together。　　The　oldest　man　in　the　world　could　not　make　head　or　tail
of　the　time　of　day　by　such　a　watch；　and　so　I　went　again　to　have　the　thing
repaired。　　This　person　said　that　the　crystal　had　got　bent；　and　that　the
mainspring　was　not　straight。　　He　also　remarked　that　part　of　the　works
needed　half…soling。　　He　made　these　things　all　right；　and　then　my
timepiece　performed　unexceptionably；　save　that　now　and　then；　after
working　along　quietly　for　nearly　eight　hours；　everything　inside　would　let
go　all　of　a　sudden　and　begin　to　buzz　like　a　bee；　and　the　hands　would
straightway　begin　to　spin　round　and　round　so　fast　that　their
individuality　was　lost　completely；　and　they　simply　seemed　a　delicate
spider's　web　over　the　face　of　the　watch。　　She　would　reel　off　the　next
twenty…four　hours　in　six　or　seven　minutes；　and　then　stop　with　a　bang。
I　went　with　a　heavy　heart　to　one　more　watchmaker；　and　looked　on　while　he
took　her　to　pieces。　　Then　I　prepared　to　cross…question　him　rigidly；　for
this　thing　was　getting　serious。　　The　watch　had　cost　two　hundred　dollars
originally；　and　I　seemed　to　have　paid　out　two　or　three　thousand　for
repairs。　　While　I　waited　and　looked　on　I　presently　recognized　in　this
watchmaker　an　old　acquaintancea　steamboat　engineer　of　other　days；　and
not　a　good　engineer；　either。　　He　examined　all　the　parts　carefully；　just
as　the　other　watchmakers　had　done；　and　then　delivered　his　verdict　with
the　same　confidence　of　manner。

He　said：

〃She　makes　too　much　steam…you　want　to　hang　the　monkey…wrench　on　the
safety…valve！〃

I　brained　him　on　the　spot；　and　had　him　buried　at　my　own　expense。

My　uncle　William　（now　deceased；　alas！）　used　to　say　that　a　good　horse　was；
a　good　horse　until　it　had　run　away　once；　and　that　a　good　watch　was　a　good
watch　until　the　repairers　got　a　chance　at　it。　　And　he　used　to　wonder　what
became　of　all　the　unsuccessful　tinkers；　and　gunsmiths；　and　shoemakers；
and　engineers；　and　blacksmiths；　but　nobody　could　ever　tell　him。






POLITICAL　ECONOMY

　　　　　Political　Economy　is　the　basis　of　all　good　government。　　The　wisest
　　　　　men　of　all　ages　have　brought　to　bear　upon　this　subject　the

＇Here　I　was　interrupted　and　informed　that　a　stranger　wished　to　see　me
down　at　the　door。　　I　went　and　confronted　him；　and　asked　to　know　his
business；　struggling　all　the　time　to　keep　a　tight　rein　on　my　seething
political…economy　ideas；　and　not　let　them　break　away　from　me　or　get
tangled　in　their　harness。　　And　privately　I　wished　the　stranger　was　in　the
bottom　of　the　canal　with　a　cargo　of　wheat　on　top　of　him。　　I　was　all　in　a
fever；　but　he　was　cool。　　He　said　he　was　sorry　to　disturb　me；　but　as　he
was　passing　he　noticed　that　I　needed　some　lightning…rods。　　I　said；　〃Yes；
yesgo　onwhat　about　it？〃　　He　said　there　was　nothing　about　it；　in
particularnothing　except　that　he　would　like　to　put　them　up　for　me。
I　am　new　to　housekeeping；　have　been　used　to　hotels　and　boarding…houses
all　my　life。　　Like　anybody　else　of　similar　experience；　I　try　to　appear
（to　strangers）　to　be　an　old　housekeeper；　consequently　I　said　in　an
offhand　way　that　I　had　been　intending　for　some　time　to　have　six　or　eight
lightning…rods　put　up；　butThe　stranger　started；　and　looked　inquiringly
at　me；　but　I　was　serene。　　I　thought　that　if　I　chanced　to　make　any
mistakes；　he　would　not　catch　me　by　my　countenance。　　He　said　he　would
rather　have　my　custom　than　any　man's　in　town。　　I　said；　〃All　right；〃　and
started　off　to　wrestle　with　my　great　subject　again；　when　he　called　me
back　and　said　it　would