the dark flower- 第39部分

〃Very　well。　　But　I　love　you。　　You　can　think　of　THATyou　can't
prevent　me！〃　　And　without　waiting　for　help；　she　mounted　the　magpie
horse　from　the　sand…heap　where　they　had　fallen。

Very　sober　that　ride　home！　　The　horses；　as　if　ashamed　of　their　mad
chase；　were　edging　close　to　each　other；　so　that　now　and　then　his
arm　would　touch　her　shoulder。　　He　asked　her　once　what　she　had　felt
while　she　was　jumping。

〃Only　to　be　sure　my　foot　was　free。　　It　was　rather　horrid　coming
down；　thinking　of　Magpie's　knees；〃　and　touching　the　little　horse's
goat…like　ears；　she　added　softly：　〃Poor　dear！　　He'll　be　stiff　to…
morrow。〃

She　was　again　only　the　confiding；　rather　drowsy；　child。　　Or　was　it
that　the　fierceness　of　those　past　moments　had　killed　his　power　of
feeling？　　An　almost　dreamy　hourwith　the　sun　going　down；　the　lamps
being　lighted　one　by　oneand　a　sort　of　sweet　oblivion　over
everything！

At　the　door；　where　the　groom　was　waiting；　Lennan　would　have　said
good…bye；　but　she　whispered：　〃Oh；　no；　please！　　I　AM　tired　nowyou
might　help　me　up　a　little。〃

And　so；　half　carrying　her；　he　mounted　past　the　Vanity　Fair
cartoons；　and　through　the　corridor　with　the　red　paper　and　the　Van
Beers'　drawings；　into　the　room　where　he　had　first　seen　her。

Once　settled　back　in　Dromore's　great　chair；　with　the　purring　kitten
curled　up　on　her　neck；　she　murmured：

〃Isn't　it　nice？　　You　can　make　tea；　and　we'll　have　hot　buttered
toast。〃

And　so　Lennan　stayed；　while　the　confidential　man　brought　tea　and
toast；　and；　never　once　looking　at　them；　seemed　to　know　all　that　had
passed；　all　that　might　be　to　come。

Then　they　were　alone　again；　and；　gazing　down　at　her　stretched　out
in　that　great　chair；　Lennan　thought：

〃Thank　God　that　I'm　tired　toobody　and　soul！〃

But　suddenly　she　looked　up　at　him；　and　pointing　to　the　picture　that
to…day　had　no　curtain　drawn；　said：

〃Do　you　think　I'm　like　her？　　I　made　Oliver　tell　me　aboutmyself
this　summer。　　That's　why　you　needn't　bother。　　It　doesn't　matter
what　happens　to　me；　you　see。　　And　I　don't　carebecause　you　can
love　me；　without　feeling　bad　about　it。　　And　you　will；　won't　you？〃

Then；　with　her　eyes　still　on　his　face；　she　went　on　quickly：

〃Only　we　won't　talk　about　that　now；　will　we？　　It's　too　cosy。　　I　AM
nice　and　tired。　　Do　smoke！〃

But　Lennan's　fingers　trembled　so　that　he　could　hardly　light　that
cigarette。　　And；　watching　them；　she　said：　〃Please　give　me　one。　　Dad
doesn't　like　my　smoking。〃

The　virtue　of　Johnny　Dromore！　　Yes！　　It　would　always　be　by　proxy！
And　he　muttered：

〃How　do　you　think　he　would　like　to　know　about　this　afternoon；
Nell？〃

〃I　don't　care。〃　　Then　peering　up　through　the　kitten's　fur　she
murmured：　〃Oliver　wants　me　to　go　to　a　dance　on　Saturdayit's　for　a
charity。　　Shall　I？〃

〃Of　course；　why　not？〃

〃Will　YOU　come？〃

〃I？〃

〃Oh；　do！　　You　must！　　It's　my　very　first；　you　know。　　I've　got　an
extra　ticket。〃

And　against　his　will；　his　judgmenteverything；　Lennan　answered：
〃Yes。〃

She　clapped　her　hands；　and　the　kitten　crawled　down　to　her　knees。

When　he　got　up　to　go；　she　did　not　move；　but　just　looked　up　at　him；
and　how　he　got　away　he　did　not　know。

Stopping　his　cab　a　little　short　of　home；　he　ran；　for　he　felt　cold
and　stiff；　and　letting　himself　in　with　his　latch…key；　went　straight
to　the　drawing…room。　　The　door　was　ajar；　and　Sylvia　standing　at　the
window。　　He　heard　her　sigh；　and　his　heart　smote　him。　　Very　still；
and　slender；　and　lonely　she　looked　out　there；　with　the　light
shining　on　her　fair　hair　so　that　it　seemed　almost　white。　　Then　she
turned　and　saw　him。　　He　noticed　her　throat　working　with　the　effort
she　made　not　to　show　him　anything；　and　he　said：

〃Surely　you　haven't　been　anxious！　　Nell　had　a　bit　of　a　fall
jumping　into　a　sandpit。　　She's　quite　mad　sometimes。　　I　stayed　to
tea　with　herjust　to　make　sure　she　wasn't　really　hurt。〃　　But　as　he
spoke　he　loathed　himself；　his　voice　sounded　so　false。

She　only　answered：　〃It's　all　right；　dear；〃　but　he　saw　that　she　kept
her　eyesthose　blue；　too　true　eyesaverted；　even　when　she　kissed
him。

And　so　began　another　evening　and　night　and　morning　of　fever；
subterfuge；　wariness；　aching。　　A　round　of　half…ecstatic　torment；
out　of　which　he　seemed　no　more　able　to　break　than　a　man　can　break
through　the　walls　of　a　cell。　。　。　。

Though　it　live　but　a　day　in　the　sun；　though　it　drown　in　tenebrous
night；　the　dark　flower　of　passion　will　have　its　hour。　。　。　。


XII


To　deceive　undoubtedly　requires　a　course　of　training。　　And；
unversed　in　this　art；　Lennan　was　fast　finding　it　intolerable　to
scheme　and　watch　himself；　and　mislead　one　who　had　looked　up　to　him
ever　since　they　were　children。　　Yet；　all　the　time；　he　had　a　feeling
that；　since　he　alone　knew　all　the　circumstances　of　his　case；　he
alone　was　entitled　to　blame　or　to　excuse　himself。　　The　glib
judgments　that　moralists　would　pass　upon　his　conduct　could　be
nothing　but　the　imbecilities　of　smug　and　pharisaic　foolsof　those
not　under　this　drugging　spellof　such　as　had　not　blood　enough；
perhaps；　ever　to　fall　beneath　it！

The　day　after　the　ride　Nell　had　not　come；　and　he　had　no　word　from
her。　　Was　she；　then；　hurt；　after　all？　　She　had　lain　back　very
inertly　in　that　chair！　　And　Sylvia　never　asked　if　he　knew　how　the
girl　was　after　her　fall；　nor　offered　to　send　round　to　inquire。　　Did
she　not　wish　to　speak　of　her；　or　had　she　simplynot　believed？
When　there　was　so　much　he　could　not　talk　of　it　seemed　hard　that
just　what　happened　to　be　true　should　be　distrusted。　　She　had　not
yet；　indeed；　by　a　single　word　suggested　that　she　felt　he　was
deceiving　her；　but　at　heart　he　knew　that　she　was　not　deceived。　。　。　。
Those　feelers　of　a　woman　who　lovescan　anything　check　their
delicate　apprehension？　。　。　。

Towards　evening；　the　longing　to　see　the　girla　sensation　as　if　she
were　calling　him　to　come　to　herbecame　almost　insupportable；　yet；
whatever　excuse　he　gave；　he　felt　that　Sylvia　would　know　where　he
was　going。　　He　sat　on　one　side　of　the　fire；　she　on　the　other；　and
they　both　read　books；　the　only　strange　thing　about　their　reading
was；　that　neither　of　them　ever　turned　a　leaf。　　It　was　'Don　Quixote'
he　read；　the　page　which　had　these　words：　〃Let　Altisidora　weep　or
sing；　still　I　am　Dulcinea's　and　hers　alone；　dead　or　alive；　dutiful
and　unchanged；　in　spite　of　all　the　necromantic　powers　in　the
world。〃　　And　so　the　evening　passed。　　When　she　went　up　to　bed；　he
was　very　near　to　stealing　out；　driving　up　to　the　Dromores'　door；
and　inquiring　of　the　confidential　man；　but　the　thought　of　the
confounded　fellow's　eyes　was　too　much　for　him；　and　he　held　out。　　He
took　up　Sylvia's　book；　De　Maupassant's　'Fort　comme　la　mort'open
at　the　page　where　the　poor　woman　finds　that　her　lover　has　passed
away　from　her　to　her　own　daughter。　　And　as　he　read；　the　tears
rolled　down　his　cheek。　　Sylvia！　　Sylvia！　　Were　not　his　old
favourite　words　from　that　old　favourite　book　still　true？　　〃Dulcinea
del　Toboso　is　the　most　beautiful　woman　in　the　world；　and　I　the　most
unfortunate　knight　upon　the　earth。　　It　were　unjust　that　such
perfection　should　suffer　through　my　weakness。　　No；　pierce　my　body
with　your　lance；　knight；　and　let　my　life　expire　with　my　honour。　。　。　。〃
Why　could　he　not　wrench　this　feeling　from　his　heart；　banish
this　girl　from　his　eyes？　　Why　could　he　not　be　wholly　true　to　her
who　was　and　always　had　been　wholly　true　to　him？　　Horriblethis
will…less；　nerveless　feeling；　this　paralysis；　as　if　he　were　a
puppet　moved　by　a　cruel　hand。　　And；　as　once　before；　it　seemed　to
him　that　the　girl　was　sitting　there　in　Sylvia's　chair　in　her　dark
red　frock；　with　her　eyes　fixed　on　him。　　Uncannily　vividthat
impression！　。　。　。　　A　man　could　not　go　on　long　with　his　head　in
Chancery　like　this；　without　becoming　crazed！

It　was　growing　dusk　on　Saturday　afternoon　when　he　gave　up　that
intolerable　waiting　and　opened　the　studio　door　to　go　to　Nell。　　It
was　now　just　two　days　since　he　had　seen　or　heard　of　her。　　She　had
spoken　of　a　dance　for　that　very　nightof　his　going　to　it。　　She
MUST　be　ill！

But　he　had　not　taken　six　steps　when　he　saw　her　coming。　　She　had　on
a　grey　furry　scarf；　hiding　her　mouth；　making　her　look　much　older。
The　moment　the　door　was　shut　she　threw　it　off；　went　to　the　hearth；
drew　up　a　little　stool；　and；　holding　her　hands　out　to　the　fire；
said：

〃Have　you　thought　about　me？　　Have　you　thought　enough　now？〃

And　he　answered：　〃Yes；　I've　thought；　but　I'm　no　nearer。〃

〃Why？　　Nobody　need　ever　know　you　love　me。　　And　if　they　did；　I
wouldn't　care。〃

Simple！　　How　simple！　　Glorious；　egoistic　youth！

He　could　not　speak　of　Sylvia　to　this　childspeak　of　his　married
life；　hitherto　so　dignified；　so　almost　sacred。　　It　was　impossible。
Then　he　heard　her　say：

〃It　can't　be　wrong　to　love　YOU！　　I　don't　care　if　it　is　wrong；〃　and
saw　her　lips　quivering；　and　her　eyes　suddenly　piteous　and　scared；
as　if　for　the　first　time　she　doubted　of　the　issue。　　Here　was　fresh
torment！　　To　watch　an　unhappy　child。　　And　what　was　the　use　of　even
trying　to　make　clear　to　heron　the　very　threshold　of　lifethe
hopeless　maze　that　he　was　wandering　in！　　What　chance　of　making　her
understand　the　marsh　of　mud　and　tangled　weeds　he　must　drag　through
to　reach　her。　　〃Nobody　need　know。〃　　So　simple！　　What　of　his　heart
and　his　wife's　heart？　　And；　pointing　to　his　new　workthe　first　man
bewitched　by　the　first　nymphhe　said：

〃Look　at　this；　Nell！　　That　nymph　is　you；　and　this　man　is　me。〃　　She
got　up；　and　came　to　look。　　And　while　she　was　gazing　he　greedily
drank　her　in。　　What　a　strange　mixture　of　innocence　and　sorcery！
What　a　wonderful　young　creature　to　bring　to　full　knowledge　of　love
within　his　arms！　　And　he　said：　〃You　had　better　understand　what　you
are　to　meall　that　I　shall　never　know　again；　there　it　is　in　that
nymph's　face。　　Oh；　no！　not　YOUR　face。　　And　there　am　I　struggling
through　slime　to　reach　younot　MY　face；　of　course。〃

She　said：　〃Poor　face！〃　then　covered　her　own。　　Was　she　going　to　cry；
and　torture　him　still　more？　　But；　instead；　she　only　murmured：　〃But
you　HAVE　reached　me！〃　swayed　towards　him；　and　put　her　lips　to　his。

He　gave　way　then。　　From　that　too　stormy　kiss　of　his　she　drew　back
for　a　second；　then；　as　if　afraid　of　her　own　recoil；　snuggled　close
again。　　But　the　instinctive　shrinking　of　innocence　had　been　enough
for　Lennanhe　dropped　his　arms　and　said：

〃