〃No。〃
〃Extraordinary。 I have to love it。〃
The three of us left together； trying to maneuver our shopping carts between the paperback books scattered across the entrance。 Murray wheeled one of our carts into the parking lot and then helped us heave and push all our double…bagged merchandise into the back of the station wagon。 Cars entered and exited。 The policewoman in her zippered minicab scouted the area for red flags on the parking meters。 We added Murray's single lightweight bag of white items to our load and headed across Elm in the direction of his rooming house。 It seemed to me that Babette and I； in the mass and variety of our purchases； in the sheer plenitude those crowded bags suggested； the weight and size and number； the familiar package designs and vivid lettering； the giant sizes； the family bargain packs with Day…Glo sale stickers； in the sense of replenishment we felt； the sense of well…being； the security and contentment these products brought to some snug home in our souls—it seemed we had achieved a fullness of being that is not known to people who need less； expect less； who plan their lives around lonely walks in the evening。
Murray took Babette's hand on leaving。
〃I'd ask you to visit my room but it's too small for two people unless they're prepared to be intimate。〃
Murray is able to produce a look that is sneaky and frank at the same time。 It is a look that gives equal credence to disaster and lecherous success。 He says that in the old days of his urban entanglements he believed there was only one way to seduce a woman； with clear and open desire。 He took pains to avoid self…depreciation； self…mockery； ambiguity； irony； subtlety； vulnerability； a civilized world…weariness and a tragic sense of history— the very things； he says； that are most natural to him。 Of these he has allowed only one element； vulnerability； to insert itself gradually into his program of straightforward lust。 He is trying to develop a vulnerability that women will find attractive。 He works at it consciously； like a man in a gym with weights and a mirror。 But his efforts so far have produced only this half sneaky look； sheepish and wheedling。
He thanked us for the lift。 We watched him walk toward the lopsided porch； propped with cinder blocks； where a man in a rocker stared into space。
6
Heinrich's hairline is beginning to recede。 I wonder about this。 Did his mother consume some kind of gene…piercing substance when she was pregnant？ Am I at fault somehow？ Have I raised him； unwittingly； in the vicinity of a chemical dump site； in the path of air currents that carry industrial wastes capable of producing scalp degeneration； glorious sunsets？ （People say the sunsets around here were not nearly so stunning thirty or forty years ago。） Man's guilt in history and in the tides of his own blood has been plicated by technology； the daily seeping falsehearted death。
The boy is fourteen； often evasive and moody； at other times disturbingly pliant。 I have a sense that his ready yielding to our wishes and demands is a private weapon of reproach。 Babette is afraid he will end up in a barricaded room； spraying hundreds of rounds of automatic fire across an empty mall before the SWAT teams e for him with their heavy…barreled weapons； their bullhorns and body armor。
〃It's going to rain tonight。〃
〃It's raining now；〃 I said。
〃The radio said tonight。〃
I drove him to school on his first day back after a sore throat and fever。 A woman in a yellow slicker held up traffic to let some children cross。 I pictured her in a soup mercial taking off her oilskin hat as she entered the cheerful kitchen where her husband stood over a pot of smoky lobster bisque； a smallish man with six weeks to live。
〃Look at the windshield；〃 I said。 〃Is that rain or isn't it？〃
〃I'm only telling you what they said。〃
〃Just because it's on the radio doesn't mean we have to suspend belief in the evidence of our senses。〃
〃Our senses？ Our senses are wrong a lot more often than they're right。 This has been proved in the laboratory。 Don't you know about all those theorems that say nothing is what it seems？ There's no past； present or future outside our own mind。 The so…called laws of motion are a big hoax。 Even sound can trick the mind。 Just because you don't hear a sound doesn't mean it's not out there。 Dogs can hear it。 Other animals。 And I'm sure there are sounds even dogs can't hear。 But they exist in the air； in waves。 Maybe they never stop。 High； high； high…pitched。 ing from somewhere。〃
〃Is it raining；〃 I said； 〃or isn't it？〃
〃I wouldn't want to have to say。〃
〃What if someone held a gun to your head？〃
〃Who； you？〃
〃Someone。 A man in a trenchcoat and smoky glasses。 He holds a gun to your head and says； 'Is it raining or isn't it？ All you have to do is tell the truth and I'll put away my gun and take the next flight out of here。'〃
〃What truth does he want？ Does he want the truth of someone traveling at almost the speed of light in another galaxy？ Does he want the truth of someone in orbit around a neutron star？ Maybe if these people could see us through a telescope we might look like we were two feet two inches tall and it might be raining yesterday instead of today。〃
〃He's holding the gun to your head。 He wants your truth。〃
〃What good is my truth？ My truth means nothing。 What if this guy with the gun es from a planet in a whole different solar system？ What we call rain he calls soap。 What we call apples he calls rain。 So what am I supposed to tell him？〃
〃His name is Frank J。 Smalley and he es from St。 Louis。〃
〃He wants to know if it's raining now； at this very minute？〃
〃Here and now。 That's right。〃
〃Is there such a thing as now？ 'Now' es and goes as soon as you say it。 How can I say it's raining now if your so…called 'now' bees 'then' as soon as I say it？〃
〃You said there was no past； present； or future。〃
〃Only in our verbs。 That's the only place we find it。〃
〃Rain is a noun。 Is there rain here； in this precise locality； at whatever time within the next two minutes that you choose to respond to the question？〃
〃If you want to talk about this precise locality while you're in a vehicle that's obviously moving； then I think that's the trouble with this discussion。〃
〃Just give me an answer； okay； Heinrich？〃
〃The best I could do is make a guess。〃
〃Either it's raining or it isn't；〃 I said。
〃Exactly。 That's my whole point。 You'd be guessing。 Six of one； half dozen of the other。〃
〃But you see it's raining。〃
〃You see the sun moving across the sky。 But is the sun moving across the sky or is the earth turning？〃
〃I don't accept the analogy。〃
〃You're so sure that's rain。 How do you know it's not sulfuric acid from factories across the river？ How do you know it's not fallout from a war in China？ You want an answer here and now。 Can you prove； here and now； that this stuff is rain？ How do I know that what you call rain is really rain？ What is rain anyway？〃
〃It's the stuff that falls from the sky and gets you what is called wet。〃
〃I'm not wet。 Are you wet？〃
〃All right；〃 I said。 〃Very good。〃
〃No； seriously； are you wet？〃
〃First…rate；〃 I told him。 〃A victory for uncertainty； randomness and chaos。 Science's finest hour。〃
〃Be sarcastic。〃
〃The sophists and the hairsplitters enjoy their finest hour。〃
〃Go ahead； be sarcastic； I don't care。〃
Heinrich's mother lives in an ashram now。 She has taken the name Mother Devi and runs the business end of things。 The ashram is located on the outskirts of the former copper…smelting town of Tubb； Montana； now called Dharamsalapur。 The usual rumors abound of sexual freedom； sexual slavery； drugs； nudity； mind control； poor hygiene； tax evasion； monkey…worship； torture； prolonged and hideous death。
I watched him walk through the downpour to the school entrance。 He moved with deliberate slowness； taking off his camouflage cap ten yards from the doorway。 At such moments I find I love him with an animal desperation； a need to take him under my coat and crush him to my chest； keep him there； protect him。 He seems to bring a danger to him。 It collects in the air； follows him from room to room。 Babette bakes his favorite cookies。 We watch him at his desk； an unpainted table covered with books and magazines。 He works well into the night； plotting chess moves in a game he plays by mail with a convicted killer in the penitentiary。
It was warm and bright the next day and students on the Hill sat on lawns and in dorm windows； playing their tapes； sunbathing。 The air was a reverie of wistful summer things； the last languorous day； a chance to go bare…limbed once more； smell the mown clover。 I went into the Arts Duplex； our newest building； a winged affair with a facade of anodized aluminum； sea…green； cloud…catching。 On the lower level was the movie theater； a sloped and dark…carpeted space with two hundred plush seats。 I sat in shallow light at the end of the first row and waited for my seniors to arrive。
They were all Hitler majors； members of the only class I still taught； Advanced Nazism； three hours a week； restricted to qualified seniors； a course of study designed to cultivate historical perspective； theoretical rigor and mature insight into the continuing mass appeal of fascist tyranny； with special emphasis on parades； rallies and uniforms； three credits； written reports。
Every semester I arranged for a screening of background footage。 This consisted of propaganda films； scenes shot at party congresses； outtakes from mystical epics featuring parades of gymnasts and mountaineers—a collection I'd edited into an impressionistic eighty…minute documentary。 Crowd scenes predominated。 Close…up jostled shots of thousands of people outside a stadium after a Goebbels speech； people surging； massing； bursting through the traffic。 Halls hung with swastika banners； with mortuary wreaths and death's…head insignia。 Ranks of thousands of flagbearers arrayed before columns of frozen light； a hundred and thirty antiaircraft searchlights aimed straight up—a scene that resembled a geometric longing； the formal notation of some powerful mas