we two- 第29部分

During　the　year　of　Erica's　illness；　Brian　began　to　realize　his　true　position　toward　her　better　than　he　had　hitherto　done。

He　saw　quite　well　that　any　intrusion　of　his　love；　even　any　slight　manifestation　of　it；　might　do　untold　harm。　　She　was　not　ready　for　it　yet　why；　he　could　not　have　told。

The　truth　was；　that　his　Undine；　although　in　many　respects　a　high…souled　woman；　was　still　in　some　respects　a　child。　　She　would　have　been　merely　embarrassed　by　his　love；　she　did　not　want　it。　　She　liked　him　very　much　as　an　acquaintance；　he　was　to　her　Tom's　friend；　or　her　doctor；　or　perhaps　Mr。　Osmond's　son。　　In　this　way　she　liked　him；　was　even　fond　of　him；　but　as　a　lover　he　would　have　been　a　perplexing　embarrassment。

He　knew　well　enough　that　her　frank　liking　boded　ill　for　his　future　success；　but　in　spite　of　that　he　could　not　help　being　glad　to　obtain　any　footing　with　her。　　It　was　something　even　to　be　〃Tom's　friend　Brian。〃　　He　delighted　in　hearing　his　name　from　her　lips；　although　knowing　that　it　was　no　good　augury。　　He　lived　on　from　day　to　day；　thinking　very　little　of　the　doubtful　future　as　long　as　he　could　serve　her　in　the　present。　　A　reserved　and　silent　man；　devoted　to　his　profession；　and　to　practical　science　of　every　kind；　few　people　guessed　that　he　could　have　any　particular　story　of　his　own。　　He　was　not　at　all　the　sort　of　man　who　would　be　expected　to　fall　hopelessly　in　love　at　first　sight；　nor　would　any　one　have　selected　him　as　a　good　modern　specimen　of　the　chivalrous　knight　of　olden　times；　he　was　so　completely　a　nineteenth…century　man；　so　progressive；　so　scientific。　　But；　though　his　devotion　was　of　the　silent　order；　it　was；　perhaps　for　that　reason；　all　the　truer。　　There　was　about　him　a　sort　of　divine　patience。　　As　long　as　he　could　serve　Erica；　he　was　content　to　wait　any　number　of　years　in　the　hope　of　winning　her　love。　　He　accepted　his　position　readily。　　He　knew　that　she　had　not　the　slightest　love　for　him。　　He　was　quite　secondary　to　his　father；　even；　who　was　one　of　Erica's　heroes。　　He　liked　to　make　her　talk　of　him；　her　enthusiastic　liking　was　delightful　perhaps　all　the　more　so　because　she　was　far　from　agreeing　with　her　prophet。　　Brian；　with　the　wonderful　self…forgetfulness　of　true　love；　liked　to　hear　the　praises　of　all　those　whom　she　admired；　he　liked　to　realize　what　were　her　ideals；　even　when　conscious　how　far　he　fell　short　of　them。

For　it　was　unfortunately　true　that　his　was　not　the　type　of　character　she　was　most　likely　to　admire。　　As　a　friend　she　might　like　him　much；　but　he　could　hardly　be　her　hero。　　His　wonderful　patience　was　quite　lost　upon　her；　she　hardly　counted　patience　as　a　virtue　at　all。　　His　grand　humility　merely　perplexed　her；　it　was　at　present　far　beyond　her　comprehension。　　While　his　willingness　to　serve　every　one；　even　in　the　most　trifling　and　petty　concerns　of　daily　life；　she　often　attributed　to　mere　good　nature。　　Grand　acts　of　self…sacrifice　she　admired　enthusiastically；　but　the　more　really　difficult　round　of　small　denials　and　trifling　services　she　did　not　in　the　least　appreciate。　　Absorbed　in　the　contemplation；　as　it　were；　of　the　Hamlets　in　life；　she　had　no　leisure　to　spare　for　the　Horatios。

She　proved　a　capital　patient；　her　whole　mind　was　set　on　getting　well；　and　her　steady　common　sense　and　obedience　to　rules　made　her　a　great　favorite　with　her　elder　doctor。　　Really　healthy；　and　only　invalided　by　the　hard　work　and　trouble　she　had　undergone；　seven　or　eight　months'　rest　did　wonders　for　her。　　In　the　enforced　quiet；　too；　she　found　plenty　of　time　for　study。　　Charles　Osmond　had　never　had　a　better　pupil。　　They　learned　to　know　each　other　very　well　during　those　lessons；　and　many　were　the　perplexing　questions　which　Erica　started。　　But　they　were　not　as　before；　a　mere　repetition　of　the　difficulties　she　had　been　primed　with　at　her　father's　lecture　hall；　nor　did　she　bring　them　forward　with　the　triumphant　conviction　that　they　were　unanswerable。　　They　were　real；　honest　questions；　desiring　and　seeking　everywhere　for　the　true　answer　which　might　be　somewhere。

The　result　of　her　study　of　the　life　of　Christ　was　at　first　to　make　her　a　much　better　secularist。　　She　found　to　her　surprise　that　there　was　much　in　His　teaching　that　entirely　harmonized　with　secularism；　that；　in　fact；　He　spoke　a　great　deal　about　the　improvement　of　this　world；　and　scarcely　at　all　about　that　place　in　the　clouds　of　which　Christians　made　so　much。　　By　the　end　of　a　year　she　had　also　reached　the　conviction　that；　whatever　interpolations　there　might　be　in　the　gospels；　no　untrue　writer；　no　admiring　but　dishonest　narrator　COULD　have　conceived　such　a　character　as　that　of　Christ。　　For　she　had　dug　down　to　the　very　root　of　the　matter。　　She　had　left　for　the　present　the；　to　her；　perplexing　and　almost　irritating　catalogue　of　miracles；　and　had　begun　to　perceive　the　strength　and　indomitable　courage；　the　grand　self…devotion；　the　all…embracing　love　of　the　man。　　Very　superficial　had　been　her　former　view。　　He　had　been　to　her　a　shadowy；　unreal　being；　soft　and　gentle；　even　a　little　effeminate；　speaking　sometimes　what　seemed　to　her　narrow　words　about　only　saving　the　lost　sheep　of　the　house　of　Israel。　　A　character　somehow　wanting　in　that　Power　and　Intellect　which　she　worshipped。

But　on　a　really　deep　study　she　saw　how　greatly　she　had　been　mistaken。　　Extraordinarily　mistaken；　both　as　to　the　character　and　the　teaching。　　Christ　was　without　doubt　a　grand　ideal！　　To　be　as　broad…hearted　as　he　was；　as　universally　loving　it　would　be　no　bad　aim。　　And；　as　in　daily　life　Erica　realized　how　hard　was　the　practice　of　that　love；　she　realized　at　the　same　time　the　loftiness　of　the　ideal；　and　the　weakness　of　her　own　powers。

〃But；　though　I　do　begin　to　see　why　you　take　this　man　as　your　ideal；〃　she　said；　one　day；　to　Charles　Osmond；　〃I　can　not；　of　course；　accept　a　great　deal　that　He　is　said　to　have　taught。　　When　He　speaks　of　love　to　men；　that　is　understandable；　one　can　try　to　obey；　but　when　he　speaks　about　God；　then；　of　course；　I　can　only　think　that　He　was　deluded。　　You　may　admire　Joan　of　Arc；　and　see　the　great　beauty　of　her　character；　yet　at　the　same　time　believe　that　she　was　acting　under　a　delusion；　you　may　admire　the　character　of　Gotama　without　considering　Buddhism　the　true　religion；　and　so　with　Christ；　I　may　reverence　and　admire　His　character；　while　believing　Him　to　have　been　mistaken。〃

Charles　Osmond　smiled。　　He　knew　from　many　trifling　signs；　unnoticed　by　others；　that　Erica　would　have　given　a　great　deal　to　see　her　way　to　an　honest　acceptance　of　that　teaching　of　Christ　which　spoke　of　an　unseen　but　everywhere　present　Father　of　all；　of　the　everlastingness　of　love；　of　a　reunion　with　those　who　are　dead。　　She　hardly　allowed　to　herself　that　she　longed　to　believe　it；　she　dreaded　the　least　concession　to　that　natural　craving；　she　distrusted　her　own　truthfulness；　feared　above　all　things　that　she　might　be　deluded；　might　imagine　that　to　be　true　which　was　in　reality　false。

And　happily；　her　prophet　was　too　wise　to　attempt　in　any　way　to　quicken　the　work　which　was　going　on　within　her；　he　was　one　of　those　rare　men　who　can　be；　even　in　such　a　case；　content　to　wait。　　He　would　as　soon　have　thought　of　digging　up　a　seed　to　see　whether　he　could　not　quicken　its　slow　development　of　root　and　stem　as　of　interfering　in　any　way　with　Erica。　　He　came　and　went；　taught　her　Greek；　and　always；　day　after　day；　week　after　week；　month　after　month；　however　much　pressed　by　his　parish　work；　however　harassed　by　private　troubles；　he　came　to　her　with　the　genial　sympathy；　the　broad…hearted　readiness　to　hear　calmly　all　sides　of　the　question；　which　had　struck　her　so　much　the　very　first　time　she　had　met　him。

The　other　members　of　the　family　liked　him　almost　as　well；　although　they　did　not　know　him　so　intimately　as　Erica。　　Aunt　Jean；　who　had　at　first　been　a　little　prejudiced　against　him；　ended　by　singing　his　praises　more　loudly　than　any　one；　perhaps　conquered　in　spite　of　herself　by　the　man's　extraordinary　power　of　sympathy；　his　ready　perception　of　good　even　in　those　with　whom　he　disagreed　most。

Mrs。　Craigie　was　in　many　respects　very　like　her　brother；　and　was　a　very　useful　worker；　though　much　of　her　work　was　little　seen。　　She　did　not　speak　in　public；　all　the　oratorical　powers　of　the　family　seemed　to　have　concentrated　themselves　in　Luke　Raeburn；　but　she　wrote　and　worked　indefatigably；　proving　a　very　useful　second　to　her　brother。　　A　hard；　wearing　life；　however；　had　told　a　good　deal　upon　her；　and　trouble　had　somewhat　imbittered　her　nature。　　She　had　not　the　vein　of　humor　which　had　stood　Raeburn　in　such　good　stead。　　Severely　mater…of…fact；　and　almost　despising　those　who　had　any　poetry　in　their　nature；　she　did　not　always　agree　very　well　with　Erica。　　The　two　loved　each　other　sincerely；　and　were　far　too　loyal　both　to　clan　and　creed　to　allow　their　differences　really　to　separate　them；　but　there　was；　undoubtedly；　something　in　their　natures　which　jarred。　　Even　Tom　found　it　hard　at　times　to　bear　the　strong　infusion　of　bitter　criticism　which　his　mother　introduced　into　the　home　atmosphere。　　He　was　something　of　a　philosopher；　however；　and　knowing　that　she　had　been　through　great　trouble；　and　had　had　much　to　try　her；　he　made　up　his　mind　that　it　was　natural　therefore　inevitable　therefore　to　be　borne

The　home　life　was　not　without　its　frets　and　petty　trials；　but　on　one　point　there　was　perfect　accord。　　All　were　devoted　to　the　head　of　the　house　would　have　sacrificed　anything　to　bring　him　a　few　minutes'　peace。

As　for　Raeburn；　when　not　occupied　in　actual　conflict；　he　lived　in　a　sort　of　serene　atmosphere　of　thought　and　study；　far　removed　from　all　the　small　differences　and　little　cares　of　his　household。　　They　invariably　smoothed　down　all　such　roughnesses　in　his　presence；　and　probably　in　any　case　he　would　have　been　unable　to　see　such　microscopic　grievances；　unless；　indeed；　they　left　any　shade　of　annoyance　on　Erica's　face；　and　then　his　fatherhood　detected　at　once　what　was　wrong。

It　would　be　tedious；　however；　to　follow　the　course　of　Erica's　life　for　the　next　three　years；　for；　though　the　time　was　that　of　her　chief　mental　growth；　her　days　were　of　the　quietest。　　Not　till　she　was　two…and…twenty　did　she　fully　recover　from　the　effects　of　her　sudden　sorrow　and　the　subsequent　overwork。　　In　the　meantime；　her　father's　influence　steadily　deepened　and　spread　throughout　the　country；　and