the autobiography of a quack- 第13部分

‘‘Oh；''　said　I；　‘‘as　usual。　All　right；　but　this　hand；　which　is　dead　except　to　pain。''

‘‘Ah；''　said　he；　‘‘such　and　thus　will　the　wicked　besuch　will　you　be　if　you　die　in　your　sins：　you　will　go　where　only　pain　can　be　felt。　For　all　eternity；　all　of　you　will　be　just　like　that　handknowing　pain　only。''

I　suppose　I　was　very　weak；　but　somehow　I　felt　a　sudden　and　chilling　horror　of　possible　universal　pain；　and　suddenly　fainted。　When　I　awoke　the　hand　was　worse；　if　that　could　be。　It　was　red；　shining；　aching；　burning；　and；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　perpetually　rasped　with　hot　files。　When　the　doctor　came　I　begged　for　morphia。　He　said　gravely：　‘‘We　have　none。　You　know　you　don't　allow　it　to　pass　the　lines。''　It　was　sadly　true。

I　turned　to　the　wall；　and　wetted　the　hand　again；　my　sole　relief。　In　about　an　hour　Dr。　Wilson　came　back　with　two　aids；　and　explained　to　me　that　the　bone　was　so　crushed　as　to　make　it　hopeless　to　save　it；　and　that；　besides；　amputation　offered　some　chance　of　arresting　the　pain。　I　had　thought　of　this　before；　but　the　anguish　I　feltI　cannot　say　enduredwas　so　awful　that　I　made　no　more　of　losing　the　limb　than　of　parting　with　a　tooth　on　account　of　toothache。　Accordingly；　brief　preparations　were　made；　which　I　watched　with　a　sort　of　eagerness　such　as　must　forever　be　inexplicable　to　any　one　who　has　not　passed　six　weeks　of　torture　like　that　which　I　had　suffered。

I　had　but　one　pang　before　the　operation。　As　I　arranged　myself　on　the　left　side；　so　as　to　make　it　convenient　for　the　operator　to　use　the　knife；　I　asked：　‘‘Who　is　to　give　me　the　ether？''　‘‘We　have　none；''　said　the　person　questioned。　I　set　my　teeth；　and　said　no　more。

I　need　not　describe　the　operation。　The　pain　felt　was　severe；　but　it　was　insignificant　as　compared　with　that　of　any　other　minute　of　the　past　six　weeks。　The　limb　was　removed　very　near　to　the　shoulder…joint。　As　the　second　incision　was　made；　I　felt　a　strange　flash　of　pain　play　through　the　limb；　as　if　it　were　in　every　minutest　fibril　of　nerve。　This　was　followed　by　instant；　unspeakable　relief；　and　before　the　flaps　were　brought　together　I　was　　sound　asleep。　I　dimly　remember　saying；　as　I　pointed　to　the　arm　which　lay　on　the　floor：　‘‘There　is　the　pain；　and　here　am　I。　How　queer！''　Then　I　sleptslept　the　sleep　of　the　just；　or；　better；　of　the　painless。　From　this　time　forward　I　was　free　from　neuralgia。　At　a　subsequent　period　I　saw　a　number　of　cases　similar　to　mine　in　a　hospital　in　Philadelphia。

It　is　no　part　of　my　plan　to　detail　my　weary　months　of　monotonous　prison　life　in　the　South。　In　the　early　part　of　April；　1863；　I　was　exchanged；　and　after　the　usual　thirty　days'　furlough　returned　to　my　regiment　a　captain。

On　the　19th　of　September；　1863；　occurred　the　battle　of　Chickamauga；　in　which　my　regiment　took　a　conspicuous　part。　The　close　of　our　own　share　in　this　contest　is；　as　it　were；　burned　into　my　memory　with　every　least　detail。　It　was　about　6　P。　M。；　when　we　found　ourselves　in　line；　under　cover　of　a　long；　thin　row　of　scrubby　trees；　beyond　which　lay　a　gentle　slope；　from　which；　again；　rose　a　hill　rather　more　abrupt；　and　crowned　with　an　earthwork。　We　received　orders　to　cross　this　space　and　take　the　fort　in　front；　while　a　brigade　on　our　right　was　to　make　a　like　movement　on　its　flank。

Just　before　we　emerged　into　the　open　ground；　we　noticed　what；　I　think；　was　common　in　many　fightsthat　the　enemy　had　begun　to　bowl　round　shot　at　us；　probably　from　failure　of　shell。　We　passed　across　the　valley　in　good　order；　although　the　men　fell　rapidly　all　along　the　line。　As　we　climbed　the　hill；　our　pace　slackened；　and　the　fire　grew　heavier。　At　this　moment　a　battery　opened　on　our　left；　the　shots　crossing　our　heads　obliquely。　It　is　this　moment　which　is　so　printed　on　my　recollection。　I　can　see　now；　as　if　through　a　window；　the　gray　smoke；　lit　with　red　flashes；　the　long；　wavering　line；　the　sky　blue　above；　the　trodden　furrows；　blotted　with　blue　blouses。　Then　it　was　as　if　the　window　closed；　and　I　knew　and　saw　no　more。　No　other　scene　in　my　life　is　thus　scarred；　if　I　may　say　so；　into　my　memory。　I　have　a　fancy　that　the　horrible　shock　which　suddenly　fell　upon　me　must　have　had　something　to　do　with　thus　intensifying　the　momentary　image　then　before　my　eyes。

When　I　awakened；　I　was　lying　under　a　tree　somewhere　at　the　rear。　The　ground　was　covered　with　wounded；　and　the　doctors　were　busy　at　an　operating…table；　improvised　from　two　barrels　and　a　plank。　At　length　two　of　　them　who　were　examining　the　wounded　about　me　came　up　to　where　I　lay。　A　hospital　steward　raised　my　head　and　poured　down　some　brandy　and　water；　while　another　cut　loose　my　pantaloons。　The　doctors　exchanged　looks　and　walked　away。　I　asked　the　steward　where　I　was　hit。

‘‘Both　thighs；''　said　he；　‘‘the　doctors　won't　do　nothing。''

‘‘No　use？''　said　I。

‘‘Not　much；''　said　he。

‘‘Not　much　means　none　at　all；''　I　answered。

When　he　had　gone　I　set　myself　to　thinking　about　a　good　many　things　I　had　better　have　thought　of　before；　but　which　in　no　way　concern　the　history　of　my　case。　A　half…hour　went　by。　I　had　no　pain；　and　did　not　get　weaker。　At　last；　I　cannot　explain　why；　I　began　to　look　about　me。　At　first　things　appeared　a　little　hazy。　I　remember　one　thing　which　thrilled　me　a　little；　even　then。

A　tall；　blond…bearded　major　walked　up　to　a　doctor　near　me；　saying；　‘‘When　you've　a　little　leisure；　just　take　a　look　at　my　side。''

‘‘Do　it　now；''　said　the　doctor。

The　officer　exposed　his　wound。　‘‘Ball　went　in　here；　and　out　there。''

The　doctor　looked　up　at　himhalf　pity；　　half　amazement。　‘‘If　you've　got　any　message；　you'd　best　send　it　by　me。''

‘‘Why；　you　don't　say　it's　serious？''　was　the　reply。

‘‘Serious！　Why；　you're　shot　through　the　stomach。　You　won't　live　over　the　day。''

Then　the　man　did　what　struck　me　as　a　very　odd　thing。　He　said；　‘‘Anybody　got　a　pipe？''　Some　one　gave　him　a　pipe。　He　filled　it　deliberately；　struck　a　light　with　a　flint；　and　sat　down　against　a　tree　near　to　me。　Presently　the　doctor　came　to　him　again；　and　asked　him　what　he　could　do　for　him。

‘‘Send　me　a　drink　of　Bourbon。''

‘‘Anything　else？''

‘‘No。''

As　the　doctor　left　him；　he　called　him　back。　‘‘It's　a　little　rough；　doc；　isn't　it？''

No　more　passed；　and　I　saw　this　man　no　longer。　Another　set　of　doctors　were　handling　my　legs；　for　the　first　time　causing　pain。　A　moment　after　a　steward　put　a　towel　over　my　mouth；　and　I　smelled　the　familiar　odor　of　chloroform；　which　I　was　glad　enough　to　breathe。　In　a　moment　the　trees　began　to　move　around　from　left　to　right；　faster　and　faster；　then　a　universal　grayness　came　before　me；and　I　recall　nothing　further　until　　I　awoke　to　consciousness　in　a　hospital…tent。　I　got　hold　of　my　own　identity　in　a　moment　or　two；　and　was　suddenly　aware　of　a　sharp　cramp　in　my　left　leg。　I　tried　to　get　at　it　to　rub　it　with　my　single　arm；　but；　finding　myself　too　weak；　hailed　an　attendant。　‘‘Just　rub　my　left　calf；''　said　I；　‘‘if　you　please。''

‘‘Calf？''　said　he。　‘‘You　ain't　none。　It's　took　off。''

‘‘I　know　better；''　said　I。　‘‘I　have　pain　in　both　legs。''

‘‘Wall；　I　never！''　said　he。　‘‘You　ain't　got　nary　leg。''

As　I　did　not　believe　him；　he　threw　off　the　covers；　and；　to　my　horror；　showed　me　that　I　had　suffered　amputation　of　both　thighs；　very　high　up。

‘‘That　will　do；''　said　I；　faintly。

A　month　later；　to　the　amazement　of　every　one；　I　was　so　well　as　to　be　moved　from　the　crowded　hospital　at　Chattanooga　to　Nashville；　where　I　filled　one　of　the　ten　thousand　beds　of　that　vast　metropolis　of　hospitals。　Of　the　sufferings　which　then　began　I　shall　presently　speak。　It　will　be　best　just　now　to　detail　the　final　misfortune　which　here　fell　upon　me。　Hospital　No。　2；　in　which　I　lay；　was　inconveniently　crowded　with　severely　wounded　　officers。　After　my　third　week　an　epidemic　of　hospital　gangrene　broke　out　in　my　ward。　In　three　days　it　attacked　twenty　persons。　Then　an　inspector　came；　and　we　were　transferred　at　once　to　the　open　air；　and　placed　in　tents。　Strangely　enough；　the　wound　in　my　remaining　arm；　which　still　suppurated；　was　seized　with　gangrene。　The　usual　remedy；　bromine；　was　used　locally；　but　the　main　artery　opened；　was　tied；　bled　again　and　again；　and　at　last；　as　a　final　resort；　the　remaining　arm　was　amputated　at　the　shoulder…　joint。　Against　all　chances　I　recovered；　to　find　myself　a　useless　torso；　more　like　some　strange　larval　creature　than　anything　of　human　shape。　Of　my　anguish　and　horror　of　myself　I　dare　not　speak。　I　have　dictated　these　pages；　not　to　shock　my　readers；　but　to　possess　them　with　facts　in　regard　to　the　relation　of　the　mind　to　the　body；　and　I　hasten；　therefore；　to　such　portions　of　my　case　as　best　illustrate　these　views。

In　January；　1864；　I　was　forwarded　to　Philadelphia；　in　order　to　enter　what　was　known　as　the　Stump　Hospital；　South　street；　then　in　charge　of　Dr。　Hopkinson。　This　favor　was　obtained　through　the　influence　of　my　father's　friend；　the　late　Governor　Anderson；　who　has　　always　manifested　an　interest　in　my　case；　for　which　I　am　deeply　grateful。　It　was　thought；　at　the　time；　that　Mr。　Palmer；　the　leg…maker；　might　be　able　to　adapt　some　form　of　arm　to　my　left　shoulder；　as　on　that　side　there　remained　five　inches　of　the　arm…bone；　which　I　could　move　to　a　moderate　extent。　The　hope　proved　illusory；　as　the　stump　was　always　too　tender　to　bear　any　pressure。　The　hospital　referred　to　was　in　charge　of　several　surgeons　while　I　was　an　inmate；　and　was　at　all　times　a　clean　and　pleasant　home。　It　was　filled　with　men　who　had　lost　one　arm　or　leg；　or　one　of　each；　as　happened　now　and　then。　I　saw　one　man　who　had　lost　both　legs；　and　one　who　had　parted　with　both　arms；　but　none；　like　myself；　stripped　of　every　limb。　There　were　collected　in　this　place　hundreds　of　these　cases；　which　gave　to　it；　with　reason　enough；　the　not　very　pleasing　title　of　Stump　Hospital。

I　spent　here　three　and　a　half　months；　before　my　transfer　to　the　United　States　Army　Hospital　for　Injuries　and　Diseases　of　the　Nervous　System。　Every　morning　I　was　carried　out　in　an　arm…chair　and　placed　in　the　library；　where　some　one　was　always　ready　to　write　or　read　for　me；　or　to　fill　my　pipe。　The　doctors　lent　me　medical　books；　the　ladies　brought　me　　luxuries　and　fed　me；　and；　save　that　I　was　helpless　to　a　degree　which　was　humiliating；　I　was　as　comfortable　as　kindness　could　make　me。

I　amused　myself　at　this　time　by　noting　in　my　mind　all　that　I　could　learn　from　other　limbless　folk；　and　from