a confession- 第14部分

seemed　strange。

　　　　　I　was　listening　to　the　conversation　of　an　illiterate　peasant；

a　pilgrim；　about　God；　faith；　life；　and　salvation；　when　a　knowledge

of　faith　revealed　itself　to　me。　　I　drew　near　to　the　people；

listening　to　their　opinions　of　life　and　faith；　and　I　understood　the

truth　more　and　more。　　So　also　was　it　when　I　read　the　Lives　of　Holy

men；　which　became　my　favourite　books。　　Putting　aside　the　miracles

and　regarding　them　as　fables　illustrating　thoughts；　this　reading

revealed　to　me　life's　meaning。　　There　were　the　lives　of　Makarius

the　Great；　the　story　of　Buddha；　there　were　the　words　of　St。　John

Chrysostom；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　the　traveller　in　the

well；　the　monk　who　found　some　gold；　and　of　Peter　the　publican。　

There　were　stories　of　the　martyrs；　all　announcing　that　death　does

not　exclude　life；　and　there　were　the　stories　of　ignorant；　stupid

men；　who　knew　nothing　of　the　teaching　of　the　Church　but　who　yet

were　saves。

　　　　　But　as　soon　as　I　met　learned　believers　or　took　up　their　books；

doubt　of　myself；　dissatisfaction；　and　exasperated　disputation　were

roused　within　me；　and　I　felt　that　the　more　I　entered　into　the

meaning　of　these　men's　speech；　the　more　I　went　astray　from　truth

and　approached　an　abyss。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　XV



　　　　　How　often　I　envied　the　peasants　their　illiteracy　and　lack　of

learning！　　Those　statements　in　the　creeds　which　to　me　were　evident

absurdities；　for　them　contained　nothing　false；　they　could　accept

them　and　could　believe　in　the　truth　　the　truth　I　believed　in。　

Only　to　me；　unhappy　man；　was　it　clear　that　with　truth　falsehood　was

interwoven　by　finest　threads；　and　that　I　could　not　accept　it　in

that　form。

　　　　　So　I　lived　for　about　three　years。　　At　first；　when　I　was　only

slightly　associated　with　truth　as　a　catechumen　and　was　only

scenting　out　what　seemed　to　me　clearest；　these　encounters　struck　me

less。　　When　I　did　not　understand　anything；　I　said；　〃It　is　my　fault；

I　am　sinful〃；　　but　the　more　I　became　imbued　with　the　truths　I　was

learning；　the　more　they　became　the　basis　of　my　life；　the　more

oppressive　and　the　more　painful　became　these　encounters　and　the

sharper　became　the　line　between　what　I　do　not　understand　because　I

am　not　able　to　understand　it；　and　what　cannot　be　understood　except

by　lying　to　oneself。

　　　　　In　spite　of　my　doubts　and　sufferings　I　still　clung　to　the

Orthodox　Church。　　But　questions　of　life　arose　which　had　to　be

decided；　and　the　decision　of　these　questions　by　the　Church　

contrary　to　the　very　bases　of　the　belief　by　which　I　lived　

obliged　me　at　last　to　renounce　communion　with　Orthodoxy　as

impossible。　　These　questions　were：　　first　the　relation　of　the

Orthodox　Eastern　Church　to　other　Churches　　to　the　Catholics　and

to　the　so…called　sectarians。　　At　that　time；　in　consequence　of　my

interest　in　religion；　I　came　into　touch　with　believers　of　various

faiths：　　Catholics；　protestants；　Old…Believers；　Molokans　＇Footnote：　

A　sect　that　rejects　sacraments　and　ritual。＇；　　and　others。　　And　I

met　among　them　many　men　of　lofty　morals　who　were　truly　religious。　

I　wished　to　be　a　brother　to　them。　　And　what　happened？　　That

teaching　which　promised　to　unite　all　in　one　faith　and　love　　that

very　teaching；　in　the　person　of　its　best　representatives；　told　me

that　these　men　were　all　living　a　lie；　that　what　gave　them　their

power　of　life　was　a　temptation　of　the　devil；　and　that　we　alone

possess　the　only　possible　truth。　　And　I　saw　that　all　who　do　not

profess　an　identical　faith　with　themselves　are　considered　by　the

Orthodox　to　be　heretics；　just　as　the　Catholics　and　others　consider

the　Orthodox　to　be　heretics。　　And　i　saw　that　the　Orthodox　（though

they　try　to　hide　this）　regard　with　hostility　all　who　do　not　express

their　faith　by　the　same　external　symbols　and　words　as　themselves；

and　this　is　naturally　so；　first；　because　the　assertion　that　you　are

in　falsehood　and　I　am　in　truth；　is　the　most　cruel　thing　one　man　can

say　to　another；　and　secondly；　because　a　man　loving　his　children　and

brothers　cannot　help　being　hostile　to　those　who　wish　to　pervert　his

children　and　brothers　to　a　false　belief。　　And　that　hostility　is

increased　in　proportion　to　one's　greater　knowledge　of　theology。　

And　to　me　who　considered　that　truth　lay　in　union　by　love；　it　became

self…evident　that　theology　was　itself　destroying　what　it　ought　to

produce。

　　　　　This　offence　is　so　obvious　to　us　educated　people　who　have

lived　in　countries　where　various　religions　are　professed　and　have

seen　the　contempt；　self…assurance；　and　invincible　contradiction

with　which　Catholics　behave　to　the　Orthodox　Greeks　and　to　the

Protestants；　and　the　Orthodox　to　Catholics　and　Protestants；　and　the

Protestants　to　the　two　others；　and　the　similar　attitude　of　Old…

Believers；　Pashkovites　（Russian　Evangelicals）；　Shakers；　and　all

religions　　that　the　very　obviousness　of　the　temptation　at　first

perplexes　us。　　One　says　to　oneself：　it　is　impossible　that　it　is　so

simple　and　that　people　do　not　see　that　if　two　assertions　are

mutually　contradictory；　then　neither　of　them　has　the　sole　truth

which　faith　should　possess。　　There　is　something　else　here；　there

must　be　some　explanation。　　I　thought　there　was；　and　sought　that

explanation　and　read　all　I　could　on　the　subject；　and　consulted　all

whom　I　could。　　And　no　one　gave　me　any　explanation；　except　the　one

which　causes　the　Sumsky　Hussars　to　consider　the　Sumsky　Hussars　the

best　regiment　in　the　world；　and　the　Yellow　Uhlans　to　consider　that

the　best　regiment　in　the　world　is　the　Yellow　Uhlans。　　The

ecclesiastics　of　all　the　different　creeds；　through　their　best

representatives；　told　me　nothing　but　that　they　believed　themselves

to　have　the　truth　and　the　others　to　be　in　error；　and　that　all　they

could　do　was　to　pray　for　them。　　I　went　to　archimandrites；　bishops；

elders；　monks　of　the　strictest　orders；　and　asked　them；　but　none　of

them　made　any　attempt　to　explain　the　matter　to　me　except　one　man；

who　explained　it　all　and　explained　it　so　that　I　never　asked　any　one

any　more　about　it。　　I　said　that　for　every　unbeliever　turning　to　a

belief　（and　all　our　young　generation　are　in　a　position　to　do　so）

the　question　that　presents　itself　first　is；　why　is　truth　not　in

Lutheranism　nor　in　Catholicism；　but　in　Orthodoxy？　　Educated　in　the

high　school　he　cannot　help　knowing　what　the　peasants　do　not　know　

that　the　Protestants　and　Catholics　equally　affirm　that　their　faith

is　the　only　true　one。　　Historical　evidence；　twisted　by　each

religion　in　its　own　favour；　is　insufficient。　　Is　it　not　possible；

said　I；　to　understand　the　teaching　in　a　loftier　way；　so　that　from

its　height　the　differences　should　disappear；　as　they　do　for　one　who

believes　truly？　　Can　we　not　go　further　along　a　path　like　the　one　we

are　following　with　the　Old…Believers？　　They　emphasize　the　fact　that

they　have　a　differently　shaped　cross　and　different　alleluias　and　a

different　procession　round　the　altar。　　We　reply：　　You　believe　in

the　Nicene　Creed；　in　the　seven　sacraments；　and　so　do　we。　　Let　us

hold　to　that；　and　in　other　matters　do　as　you　pease。　　We　have　united

with　them　by　placing　the　essentials　of　faith　above　the

unessentials。　　Now　with　the　Catholics　can　we　not　say：　　You　believe

in　so　and　so　and　in　so　and　so；　which　are　the　chief　things；　and　as

for　the　Filioque　clause　and　the　Pope　　do　as　you　please。　　Can　we

not　say　the　same　to　the　Protestants；　uniting　with　them　in　what　is

most　important？

　　　　　My　interlocutor　agreed　with　my　thoughts；　but　told　me　that　such

conceptions　would　bring　reproach　o　the　spiritual　authorities　for

deserting　the　faith　of　our　forefathers；　and　this　would　produce　a

schism；　and　the　vocation　of　the　spiritual　authorities　is　to

safeguard　in　all　its　purity　the　Greco…Russian　Orthodox　faith

inherited　from　our　forefathers。

　　　　　And　I　understood　it　all。　　I　am　seeking　a　faith；　the　power　of

life；　and　they　are　seeking　the　best　way　to　fulfil　in　the　eyes　of

men　certain　human　obligations。　　and　fulfilling　these　human　affairs

they　fulfil　them　in　a　human　way。　　However　much　they　may　talk　of

their　pity　for　their　erring　brethren；　and　of　addressing　prayers　for

them　to　the　throne　of　the　Almighty　　to　carry　out　human　purposes

violence　is　necessary；　and　it　has　always　been　applied　and　is　and

will　be　applied。　　If　of　two　religions　each　considers　itself　true

and　the　other　false；　then　men　desiring　to　attract　others　to　the

truth　will　preach　their　own　doctrine。　　And　if　a　false　teaching　is

preached　to　the　inexperienced　sons　of　their　Church　　which　as　the

truth　　then　that　Church　cannot　but　burn　the　books　and　remove　the

man　who　is　misleading　its　sons。　　What　is　to　be　done　with　a

sectarian　　burning；　in　the　opinion　of　the　Orthodox；　with　the　fire

of　false　doctrine　　who　in　the　most　important　affair　of　life；　in

faith；　misleads　the　sons　of　the　Church？　　What　can　be　done　with　him

except　to　cut　off　his　head　or　to　incarcerate　him？　　Under　the　Tsar

Alexis　Mikhaylovich　people　were　burned　at　the　stake；　that　is　to

say；　the　severest　method　of　punishment　of　the　time　was　applied；　and

in　our　day　also　the　severest　method　of　punishment　is　applied　

detention　in　solitary　confinement。　　＇Footnote：　　At　the　time　this

was　written　capital　punishment　was　considered　to　be　abolished　in

Russia。　　A。M。＇　

　　　　　The　second　relation　of　the　Church　to　a　question　of　life　was

with　regard　to　war　and　executions。

　　　　　At　that　time　Russia　was　at　war。　　And　Russians；　in　the　name　of

Christian　love；　began　to　kill　their　fellow　men。　　It　was　impossible

not　to　think　about　this；　and　not　to　see　that　killing　is　an　evil

repugnant　to　the　first　principles　of　any　faith。　　Yet　prayers　were

said　in　the　churches　for　the　success　of　our　arms；　and　the　teachers

of　the　Faith　acknowledged　killing　to　be　an　act　resulting　from　the

Faith。　　And　besides　the　murders　during　the　war；　I　saw；　during　the

disturbances　which　followed　the　war；　Church　dignitaries　and

teachers　and　monks　of　the　lesser　and　stricter　orders　who　approved

the　killing　of　helpless；　erring　youths。　　And　I　took　note　o